Tag Archives: divorce

A blank expression, a blank screen, “The Computer Won’t Wauk”

Carrie's Computer Crash on Sex and The City

Carrie’s Computer Crash on Sex and The City

“The computer won’t wauk.”

The teen-aged girl, whom her mother affectionately refers to as “The Quirky One” among her online friends, led with this.  Years of school provided speech therapy had almost eradicated her “speech impairment” —  so much so that sometimes she possessed an aristocratic lilt, sounding almost British.  Other times, that pesky and slightly out of reach interior “r” sound, reportedly often the last of the identified “impairments”  to be corrected, makes a surprise appearance.  When it does, suddenly this teen girl, a young woman in training who wears women’s size thirteen shoes, sounds  just like a little girl.

The computer won’t wauk.

She simply stared at her mom, who had just returned from getting coffee and who was planning to sit and just read.  The other  kids were on a visit with their dad, The Quirky One had missed this visit in order to attend to her cat sitting job, for which she was paid well .    The Quirky One had been misdiagnosed for years — was it depression?  Was it some kind of learning disability we can’t identify?  It’s not dyslexia? No?  Her reading is behind yet  her comprehension is very high.  She’s frustrated with the books she can read easily so she started writing her own, or at least she starts to, along with short stories and poems.  But something is, has been,  wrong  — or just —  off.

Now, finally there was a diagnosis that made sense,  The Quirky One is on the Autism Spectrum –sounds so pretty in the abstract — like the diagnosis should come with a colorful painting or butterflies —  but it’s so, so complicated.   This diagnosis explained why the girl would often announce distressing news in the same manner that another child would simply state his or her age.   “She does not read social cues,”  is how it is described.  But to an outsider it looks like  laziness or limited mental capacity or lack of empathy.  It’s none of those.  It’s just the way she is, Roxanne thought, but with the right therapy, thank goodness,  she’s gotten so much better — and happier.

Roxanne had learned to expect these dead-pan announcements over the years.  Now that she understood the cause of these and other odd behaviors, she was learning how to deal with it.

The computer won’t wauk.

Ahh, Roxanne thought.  This explains why The Quirky One had  perched in front of the desktop watching Anime when she returned from feeding the cats.   The laptop was out of commission. The Quirky One just stared at her mother, expressionless, waiting for a response.  Defeated, Roxanne forgot about her coffee and postponed her reading plans.   She walked over to the laptop and turned it off.  Then, after waiting the required 30 seconds, she turned it back on, practicing the well-worn ritual of the computer-repair-challenged.  She was met only with a blank, black screen.  She clicked random keys:   Enter,  Esc, Space Bar, and Enter again. Then she sighed, turned the useless device off again, closed it and walked away, without saying a word, except in her head, “I can’t deal with this now.”

The laptop was only three months old.  School would resume in just over a month and a half.

Don’t get upset now.  Just read your book, she told herself.

So Roxanne did what she had planned to do before The Quirky One announced that the recent $700 purchase had failed them.  She would read, a novel.

Roxanne hadn’t been reading much in recent months, at least not novels, but she’d  found a book that did what books are supposed to do — make her forget everything else.  Previously she’d been nursing a popular comic novel that everyone else seemed to love,  but she couldn’t quite finish.  Then the realization, actually a reminder, “I’m not a student.  I don’t have to finish it if I don’t want to.”   So when buying books for the kids, Roxanne decided, not without the requisite guilt for spending $14.99 on herself,  to buy a book.

It did help her forget.  Wasn’t it just four days ago when one of the other kids, The Anxious One, having just been told to carry her phone in a purse or wallet at the pool, dropped said eighteen day old phone, shattering the screen?

It was four days after the return date, insurance doesn’t cover physical damage to the phone.  And now . . .

The computer won’t wauk.

It still echoed in her mind.  What now? A visit to the computer store? A diagnostic test that will cost $80 in order to decide what it will actually cost to fix the computer?  And the phone?  

Roxanne couldn’t help it, but thoughts of  her ex-husband and his new family crept into her mind.  His new kids are little and presumably cute and do not require computers or phones . . . yet.  Oh, his time will come, if this marriage lasts.  But then again if this marriage lasts he won’t be doing it alone the second time around.    Then Roxanne had thoughts of  her  children as babies, remembering the smiles, the hysterical cries and the smiles again a few minutes later.   Back then, if their toys broke, it didn’t matter.  She could hide them, replace them, or distract the child with another shiny object or a song.   The good old days were  filled with bodily fluid control and clean up, tantrums and no sleep whatsoever.  The good old days, when providing for and educating a child did not require a $700 purchase, though she knew she’d spent much more than that in diapers alone.   But the diapers did what they were supposed to do, and she didn’t have to spend $700 at one time– only to have them fail.   The good old days — when she could teach the alphabet by singing it, could provide a hug, a song, a breast or two, and simply hold  her babies, shifting weight from one foot to the other.

Back then, Roxanne thought, I could do what they needed, and they would smile back.   Though the Quirky One never smiled as much as her twin, Roxanne remembered.  She often seemed like  she was deep in thought.  Still, she could make them all smile.  She taught them things. They were so cute and everybody said so. “Oh they’re still cute now,” Roxanne thought,  “but that’s frankly a little scary in a teen girl.”

Back then, they needed me.  Now, they still need me, just as much,  but they also need a  $700 computer they treat like a recyclable  magazine and they need phones with two-year contracts that they carry like a balls when running through a parking lot.  And they complain that their friends all have smart phones?   I don’t think so.  Not happening.

With these thoughts running through her mind, the worries, the fears, frustration and jealousy . . .  the tears almost came, right behind the bitterness.

But instead of crying, instead of attempting to fix the computer or finding someone who could, instead of interrogating The Quirky One on who and how the computer had last been used,  Roxanne grabbed her book and sat down, outside.  The Quirky One hates the outdoors, or more precisely, she hates bugs and sun and heat and fresh air, to name a few.  Consequently, the outdoors is where Roxanne knew she could be alone.   The Quirky One still had use of the desktop computer, after all.

Roxanne  opened her book —  an actual book that required no battery life,  no “on” button, and no screen.  The book would work.

So Roxanne read . . . and actually forgot everything  for a little while.  The book had worked.   The tears retreated, the bitterness dried up.

After a bit Roxanne went inside and wrote . . .

in longhand . . .

because . . .

“The computer won’t wauk.”

Just Me With . . . a story.   Not sure why I wrote this in the third person, except that I’m reading in the third person.

I’m currently reading , “Admission” by  Jean Hanff Korelitz

Coincidentally, after I wrote the above, I got to a point in the book where a secondary character said the following:

When you’re a single mom, and everybody talks about how hard it must be, what they mean is the little-kid stuff.  Getting up in the middle of the night all the time because there’s no one else to do it, or having to take on all the doctors’ appointments and parent-teacher conferences yourself.  But I’m telling you, that was nothing. This teenager stuff is hard.  This is, like, crazy hard.

Admission, Copyright 2009 by Jean Hanff Korelitz

"Admission" by Jean

It was also made into a movie, which I haven’t seen.

Admission

Admission

Mood Altering Paint Colors — Well, At Least That’s The Plan

Painting101_Lady-and-Paint_s4x3_al

I haven’t blogged in a while.  I’ve been painting.  Obsessively painting.  I wouldn’t quite call it manic on a clinical level, but yes, it had to be done.

Had to.

Be done.

Looking back, this has happened to me before.  I paint when something isn’t quite right.  The day after I had a miscarriage, I painted all of the hallway paneling in the old house.  I should have been resting.  I should have been crying.  Instead, I painted.

Then there was when my then husband went away on vacation with his club when we had many young children at home.  This, to me, was the perfect time to paint — everything– bold colors.  He came home to a purple kitchen, a hunter green eat in area and a bright sky blue play area.  I think I was jealous of his freedom, so, stuck at home, I changed my surroundings.  All while caring for multiple toddlers with open cans of paint around.  Perhaps not well-advised, but it had to be done.

Had to.

My Color Cry For Help!

My Color Cry For Help!

Later, after my husband left for good (or so I thought . . . but I digress . . . See Surveillance with My Mother and the When My Husband Moved Back Home — The Tale of Three Carries ) I  slapped beige paint over all of those colors in order to make my kaleidoscope house neutral for potential buyers.  My children didn’t help me at all.  They resented the change, hated  the beige.

We’re colorful people,” they said.

They were right.  We are colorful people,  but the HGTV gods told me I had to hide my crazy (Oops, I mean color).

Miranda Lambert, "Run and hide your crazy"  from the song Mama's Broken Hear

Miranda Lambert, “Run and hide your crazy” from the song Mama’s Broken Heart

Accordingly, all  the evidence of my color rebellion against my husband’s hobbies and freedom was –  neutralized.

Ready for Sale

Ready for Sale

I promised the children, however,  that when we moved to our new  house, we would bring color back.  As that little hoarders house smelled so badly, I painted right away, see That Hoarder’s Smell,  and I went bold: I had red living room, and the TV (family room) was a dark slate blue.

Not my house, but was my red.

Not my house, but was my red.

At one point I had an orange accent wall in my bedroom.

From the HP 033

The orange didn’t stay long, but it was there.

But lately, my little house had been pissing me off.  Well, everything has been pissing me off. The red was making me angry, I think. I’m already bitter, I don’t need to see red, literally. The dark blue was making me feel sad and closed in, like I was living in an elevator.

My home’s  overall darkness screamed despair and denial and hinted at failure, or maybe that was me . . .

Cell Block Tango, from Chicago

Cell Block Tango, from Chicago

I moved to this little hoarders’ house so that my kids could stay in the same schools.  I had to move, and it was all I could afford.  I was lucky to find it.   I’m fine with living small, but  I hate the neighborhood — which is on the lower end of the socio-economic scale — and it shows. Also, we are six tall people, and do our fair share of stepping over each other and our stuff.  But  I can’t move until they graduate, not even to a nearby neighborhood, unless there’s a big chunk of change in my near future. I’m still dealing with divorce debt.  Freedom ain’t free.

If I wanted to pull them out of school and move across country — well, I can’t do that either.  I’m divorced;  I’m not allowed to move without my ex-husband’s permission.  I’m stuck.

Parole Rejected, The Shawshank Redemption

Parole Rejected, The Shawshank Redemption

Until my youngest kids turn 18, my options are severely limited. Yes, I’m blessed to have a roof over my head, but sometimes it feels more incarceration than protection from the elements.

However, HGTV, the teachings of Feng Shui, and countless blogs suggest that if I change my surroundings I’ll change my life.

Meditation

I took a shot.

Had to.

So I’ve been painting, lightening up the color, lightening up my life.  It goes along with my constant search for non-medicinal treatments for anxiety and depression.

I have to say, the rooms do appear bigger, brighter, calmer.

Painting small rooms

Not my house, but similar room.

Still, I need color, so the plan is to get the color back through art and accessories.  That’s the plan anyway.

It’s a good plan.

Well, it was a good plan.

Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. An open floor plan with bright white and neutral decor couldn’t hide her crazy.

Now I’m on the other side of not quite clinically manic, back to the depressed side of things.  Suddenly I’m too tired.  I don’t feel like hanging my old pictures or scouring yard sales for something colorful, because, at the end of the day, I’ll still be here.  And whatever I do, someone  in my house will hate it and loudly voice his or her displeasure.    So why bother, right?

Shawshank Poster

It’s like hanging posters in a jail cell.  Sure, it helps, but the most important thing on the wall is the calendar, marking off the days until release.

Just Me With . . . a bright new look, but not complete.  Methinks the angry red and the crying blues are bleeding through a bit.   But, hell, I’m giving it a shot.

 Release date?  Sometime in 2017.

The Shawshank Redemption. Paroled.

The Shawshank Redemption. Paroled.

Another Kind Heart

Desperate Housewives, Bree and Gabby

Desperate Housewives,
Bree and Gabby

Last week I had another surprise interaction that touched me, deeply.

I was leaving my daughter’s basketball game and was stopped by another mother who I’ve been acquainted with for at least ten years, meaning before the separation and divorce.  Our oldest boys went to pre-school together and are in the same activities now.  Our daughters play the same sport.  We’ve never  socialized outside of school events, though.  She’s married, well-to-do (understatement), attractive and always stylish, and I suppose I always thought we didn’t have much in common on a personal level.  But unlike some of the downright snobby parents I’ve met, though,  she’s always been friendly, genuine, and approachable.

Desperate Housewives,Bree

Desperate Housewives,
Bree

That day, she approached me, and we chatted about some upcoming events.  Then she got personal.  She asked about my ex-husband’s new family.   Apparently he’d brought them all to a game recently.  I wasn’t there.  She must have been.  Seeing them must have made an impact.  She asked if I spent time with him, and I answered honestly, “No, we do things separately.”

She paused a moment, took a deep breath, then shared that her father had suddenly left her mother when she was a child, and that it had deeply affected her mother and the whole family and does to this day.  She spoke of eventual healing but said that according to her mother, who had no choice but to accept the situation, it just “wasn’t what she signed up for.”   She offered her support, saying that women should help each other more, but often we’re left feeling alone, just holding the bag.

She looked me square in the eyes and said,

“This must be hard for you.  And I want you to know that I know that.” 

And, standing there in the high school gym,  I felt like it was okay to admit that, yes, it is hard for me.   It felt good not to pretend otherwise, for just a moment.

Desperate Housewives,Bree and Gabby

Desperate Housewives,
Bree and Gabby

Just Me With . . . support, from an unlikely source, who knew just what to say.  I was deeply touched.

Other kind words:

Riding With My Boss

When I Needed A Helping Hand

 

 

 

Good Fortune and The Dreaded Question, Part II

I’ve written previously about an encounter with  Marla, the deli clerk, who had asked me point-blank why I got divorced.   “Why Did You Get Divorced? The Dreaded Question. 

I saw Marla again over the weekend.  I was alone, the store wasn’t busy, so we had time to talk.

Marla, an older woman, is petite  in stature, slim in girth.  She manages to look quite stylish in her grocery store uniform, which is a brightly colored tee-shirt, smock and visor.  Her hair is curly, worn pulled back  as required, but she always has wavy tendrils hanging down and framing her face, and she sports side bangs.   I’ve never seen her without  full make-up on her olive skin, including heavy eyeliner and blue eye shadow,  and she wears big dangly or hoop earrings.

I felt differently about chatting with Marla this time, because this time she didn’t ask about the divorce.  She asked about me.

She wondered what I do for myself, asking whether I’ve been getting out, having any fun, doing something other than taking care of all the children.

Again she launched into a series of compliments, saying that I’m so beautiful and have a great smile and I’m so nice, that I work so hard for all my kids.  She commented on how difficult parenting is, queried whether my ex-husband gives me a break, noted that men don’t want independent women like us, etc.   She said, not to worry, all things come around.

Then Marla said, pointedly — really, she actually pointed at me with a crooked finger,

“You’re gonna have it all.  Mark my words.  This Gypsy Lady says you’re gonna have it all!”

Whoa, she’s a Gypsy?

Now that’s a whole different take on things.

Just Me with some good fortune coming my way, because the Gypsy Lady told me so.

“Why Did You Get Divorced?” The Dreaded Question

Recently a fellow tweeter had lamented about  having been asked the question, “Why did you get divorced?”  It truly annoyed  her, being asked such a personal question.  I came up with some snappy comebacks but admitted that I am rarely asked.   I’m not sure why this is so, but I live in a small suburb and it was big gossip for a while, and I think most people my ex-husband and I know already have heard some version of why so there is no need to ask.

Just the other day, though, while I was getting some cold cuts at the grocery store that I stop by two or four  or five times a week,  the counter person, a woman maybe in her 60’s started chatting away.   By the way, I hate guessing ages, so much depends on factors other than the number– hard living, for example, can make a person appear older, she very well could have been younger.   I see this woman regularly, she knows my kids and she’s commented on the twin thing and always has a kind comment or pleasantry.

On this store visit, I only had one kid with me.   In our house we call that — pretending to be an only child — but I digress . . .    The Deli Lady, whom I’ll call Marla, saw us and immediately gave a loud and sweet hello, like we were old friends.  Nice lady.   Then she remarked that she saw my “hubby” with the kids a few days ago, that he must have been giving me a break.  I may have shuddered a bit, feeling the ick.

This remark was icky and  irksome to me for many reasons.  First, he’s not my husband,  no, he most definitely is not my husband.  I have papers and forcibly  spent $35,000 and counting in the process of making him  not my husband.  Second, the cutesy term of endearment “hubby” is antithetical to this man to whom I am decidedly not endeared and I no longer see as “cute.”  Third,  my “hubby’  wasn’t giving me a break, he was seeing his children pursuant to a court custody order and  he was shopping at “my” store — most likely  picking up food to take home to his new wife  for her to prepare and serve to my kids.  So, no, my hubby didn’t have the kids to give me a break.  See Weekends Off.

Understanding that these are my issues and not hers, I was going to just let it slide, as I often do with people I don’t see often, but she continued to talk, asking where I was when he had the children.  Considering that I see this woman a few times of week, that she knew me by name and was trying to learn the kids names, I might as well stop the happy marriage train.

“Well, he’s actually my Ex-Husband,”  I offered.

“What?  He’s your Ex? You’re Divorced? ”  She said, shocked, truly shocked.   Leaving me to wonder, had he allowed her to think we were still together?

At this moment, I wished I’d said nothing.  The one kid I had with me was the one who had the most lingering hostile reaction to the divorce, and didn’t like to hear about it or talk about it.  I sometimes refer to this kid as The Angry Child, i.e. She Wants To Break Me, but she’s been so much better these days.  She really has.  As luck would have it, as I turned to see if she was listening, she’d flitted off,  probably to find her favorite snack to throw into the cart.

Good, I thought, I can get this conversation over with.

Marla, was shocked, still,  by my revelation.

“Divorced? . . . . Why?”

And there is was.  The question I am rarely asked.   I thought of my Twitter friend, and wished I could channel her support in my head.  But, I was In Real Life (IRL if you only have 140 Twitter characters) and I didn’t even have my phone out. Plus, Marla was waiting for an answer.  She wasn’t even slicing my meat.  She was waiting.

The Million Dollar Question

I think I kind of stammered and shrugged my shoulders, rolled my eyes,  and said, “Well, you know.”   I understand that this is not a definitive answer.  But I thought my body language and facial expression would have been enough to change the subject.

But Marla apparently needed a real answer, in real life, right then and there.

She asked again.

“Why did you get divorced?”

Now all the snappy comebacks I’d joked about had left the building like Elvis.  I had nothing.  Actually, my snappy comebacks were mostly to put the other person on the defensive.  I figured it they can ask me something personal I should come back with something just as personal, like,

“Well it’s a long painful story.  How much did you make last year? And are you having regular sex?”

But I didn’t want to be rude to Marla.  And I couldn’t even come up with, “I don’t want to talk about it.”    It was a deer in headlights situation, for sure.

Marla is good people.   I like the banter I have with her and many of the people I see in stores while carrying out mundane tasks.   Marla is funny, friendly and compliments my kids.  This makes her royalty in my book.  I didn’t want to insult her or put her on the defensive.   And, unlike my snobby ex- neighbor, see  Holiday Party post, she wasn’t judging me because I am divorced.  Marla was  genuinely surprised, really surprised.

So, I finally answered, leaning close to the counter, “Well, he was a bit of a player.”

This isn’t exactly true.  There weren’t a lot of other women, to my knowledge, but you know, there were more than there are supposed to be, you know  . . . when you’re MARRIED!    Still,  I figured this shorthand answer would do the trick  and end the topic of conversation before my kid got back.

But it didn’t.

It actually opened an opportunity for her to share  her own personal life which included two husbands and four children and the proclamation that she will never marry again, which, had we been in a coffee shop or at a bar would have been good girl talk.  But we were on opposite sides of a deli counter in a grocery store in my hometown, and where, apparently, my Ex-Husband still shops — while on his visits with the children.

I added with another shrug while I perused the meats that, “Yeah, well, he’s remarried now, so . . .”   I don’t know why, but I thought that information would help end the conversation.

But it didn’t.

Marla shared more about her life.  I found out about her ex-husband’s new ex-wives, and how one of them told her what he’d said about her,  and how his other children are no good, etc.   Then, the conversation turned back to me, as I hoped it wouldn’t, but feared it would.

“Divorced? Really?  And you’re so pretty . . .  and smart . . .”   Now, I’m not trying to blow my own horn here or provide self-gratuitous comments, but Marla went on to compliment me very highly, noting that I am slim (not the healthiest comment for me to hear, see  Confessions of a Skinny Mom  and Angela Jolie  posts) and she thinks I’m  brilliant, which, considering our only interaction is at the meat counter — I find to be very astute — heh heh heh.   I took her compliments in kind, though a little embarrassed, being at the deli counter and all.  But, hell, it’s nice to be appreciated.

While finally cutting my meat,  Marla added, “Leaving a girl like you. . . . I don’t understand it.”    And she just shook her head.  “I just don’t get that.  You are something.  I think you’re great.”  And she smiled, looked me up and down,  and shook her head again.

Now this tugs at my insecurities.

In my tortured mind Marla is thinking,  “There must be something wrong with her that I can’t see.”

My damaged self asks: Is Marla  trying to figure out what dark secret or hidden insufficiency I must have which  caused my husband and father of my beautiful children  to leave me?  Is that what everybody thinks —  that  there must be something wrong with  me that they can’t see?

I wanted to scream, “I’M GOOD IN BED — HONEST!!!”   But that didn’t seem appropriate.

So there it is, my problem.  And it truly is my problem.  Not Marla’s and not my Ex-Husband’s —- and I’m working on it.  I need to slow down and control those ill-informed, overly chatty  people  — not the ones in the grocery store —  the ones in my head.

It’s simple, really.  I don’t like being asked why I divorced  because it’s personal and I don’t like to talk about it unless I bring it up.  But more than that, I don’t like being asked because of all the time I spent crying on the kitchen floor Amy Winehouse style wondering why I wasn’t enough for him.  

Truth is.,  he was done.  It really doesn’t matter why now, and it shouldn’t matter to my lunch meat friend.  After a excruciatingly painful period in my life, I’m done analyzing why and I’m done, too.  Unless I have brought it up and I am in a place mentally and physically where it is appropriate to talk about it, my final answer actually is, “Well, you know, whatever.”

(In my head I’ll say it’s because he’s an asshole.   I’m not a saint.)

My daughter eventually flitted back with her cheese sticks and Marla had the good sense to change the topic, asking my daughter if she helps me out at home, which,  I pointed out,  she does not do nearly enough, prompting a devilish smile from my girl.  A smile, not a denial, mind you.  That kid is lucky she’s cute . . .  but I digress.

Just Me With . . .  American Cheese,  ham off the bone, Southern fried chicken breast and some discomfort and insecurity . . .  sliced thin.

Special thanks to  @CRobbieLV for inspiring this and sharing her experiences with  — The Dreaded “Why?”

Postscript:  See Good Fortune and the Dreaded Question,  Part II

For the best responses to finding out about my break up see, “When I Needed A Helping Hand”   and “Riding With My Boss” and “Six Days of Separation

Misplaced Praise of a Father

I think I’m done.  I’m done agreeing with the generalized small talk and factually inaccurate praise of  the mere suggestion of  the presence of my Ex-husband in our children’s lives — like he’s some kind of magic man.

People who know, know better.

An ex-neighbor dropped by yesterday.  I hadn’t seen her in over a year.  We don’t have much in common and she does not read people well.   She’s had four husbands, yet when my husband up left me and the children and I was visibly devastated, dehydrated and malnourished,  she went on and on about how we should stay together and that maybe there’s hope.

I wish I’d tried harder.  Don’t give up. Maybe he’ll come back.  I hope you can work it out.

That’s  what she said to me.  She said this to me, though she knew that my husband had, suddenly, cruelly, left me.  Now that I’m thinking back, it is quite possible that this woman is a nut job.

She was one of the people I avoided back then.  Some people say the wrong things.  They can’t help it, they won’t change.

Yesterday, she dropped by unannounced to invite me to her mother’s memorial service.  She arrived just as the kids were preparing to go on a dinner visit with their dad.  Like before, she went on and on about how that’s so good that he sees them, that –the alternative in her mind — total abandonment —  is so bad, and told me a story about how her daughter-in-law’s absentee father showed up on her wedding day and practically ruined it.   So she reasoned that my situation is so much betterblah blah blah

I don’t recall asking her opinion at all.

I did not enjoy our one-sided conversation.   There are always stories of the most horrendous parents, male and female, but if you set the bar at those folks, hey, everybody   looks good. I have one  good father and know many more.  The fatherhood  bar is high in my world, or actually, it’s where it needs to be, but I digress . . .    Not only did this woman irk me, but she  went on and on while  there was a child within earshot.   I wonder how it  makes kids feel to hear an adult praise their father for  merely seeing them?    Completely clueless,  the ex-neighbor didn’t notice when I tried to change the subject by talking about the children themselves, their accomplishments.   I was being polite.   Perhaps too polite.

Bitch, you don’t know my life.”  Is what I wanted to say.

I’m sorry folks, I don’t usually talk like that, but sometimes people piss me off.

In fact, I’m a polite sort –to a fault, really, I can make small talk and seem to agree to the most ridiculous statements for the sake of decent society.  But sometimes, it seems, this gives a pass and an exaggerated sense of importance to people who don’t deserve it, as well as an acceptance of past, current and likely future bad behavior.  And sometimes, it just makes me mad.

As we sat in my tiny living room, on a house on a busy street, in the neighborhood of “The Help”  that I had to work my butt off to get the Hoarders smell out of ,  it seems that no matter what transpired and how well the children have adapted to and excelled in  a difficult situation, the most important thing for her to discuss was the seemingly magical appearance of their father.

I call bullsh*t.

Maybe if he looked like this his appearance would be, indeed, magical.

So now, instead of nodding politely, I’m going to try to opt out  of the small talk that makes me blinding mad.  I think it’s better that way, don’t you?

And before I get the “What about the kids?” speech, I’m talking about conversations between grown folks.   Children are not invited.

From now on every time some  random acquaintance inquires about the time my kids spend with their dad and says,

Oh that’s good, he still sees them.

My new response will be,

Yeah,  I hear there’s gonna be a parade.

And then I will launch on full-out campaign, an attack,  if you will, describing the awesomeness of my children in excruciating detail.  And I will note that my elderly parents, even at their advanced age, rarely miss a concert and get to many sporting events each season —  because they enjoy it and they are so proud . . . and the kids are . . . wait for it . . . AWESOME!

And then I will turn and leave, because, you know, I’ve got things to do.   I will not talk about or allow discussion of  the perceived  importance of  the (magical) father’s (mythical) encouragement of said real accomplishments by these awesome kids.  His is not my banner to wave, or shoot at.  As I said, I’ve got other things to do.

My point is this: It is presumptuous to make sweeping  statements about the perceived importance of an absent party, without any knowledge of or inquiries into the actual situation, and expect me, the one clearly in the trenches,  to agree.

And frankly, it’s rude.

Just Me With . . . good manners.

The general public’s  persistent blanket praise of fathers who may neither  be good men  nor good  fathers  is a disservice to men who  are both.  It’s a disservice to the mothers who are doing the best they can with or without (or in spite of)  the existence of “the father.”   It’s a disservice to the brothers, cousins, friends, sisters, uncles, aunts, neighbors, teachers, grandparents and whole loads of people who provide support and encouragement and  love even though they have no parental ties nor court ordered obligation to do so.  It’s a disservice to the kids, the children who should expect parents to do for them, without kudos.

So I’m opting out.

I have other things to do.

For other misinformed comments, see: Weekends Off .

For other misplaced praise, see: The Unspoken Pain of  Sharing Celebrations

Six Days of Separation

Six Degrees of Separation

My husband had moved out.  It had been six days. Six days of separation.  (I had to make the picture relevant somehow. )

I was a wreck.  Truly.  I can’t  even describe it here. I’m not ready.

It was the weekend after he’d moved out and my husband stopped by the house to see the children and to tell me he’d be away for a few days. You see, the “other woman” who I’d just found out about a couple of weeks prior, see My Worst Superbowl, Remembered, lived in another city.  She planned to move to our town but that hadn’t happened yet.  So he was going to see her.   Ironically, she lived in a city where I had wanted to move, but my husband  had vetoed that, said absolutely not, he would never live there.  Now he was going there for a  long weekend– to see his girlfriend.  Huh. 

On our anniversary weekend . . .  Huh.

Regardless, the matter at hand was that:

My husband stopped by our  house on his way to catch a flight  to spend a few days with his girlfriend.

Let that sit for a minute.

My husband and I had been together since high school.

Let that sit for a minute.

We had been married for many, many years and  had five young children.

Let that sit for a minute.

But on this day,  six days after moving out, after breaking my heart, hell, after breaking me, and causing unspeakable pain to the children as well, he showed up at what used to be at our house . . . and knocked.   That was appropriate, given the situation, but it was like a kick in the kidneys.

It hit me:   He really doesn’t live here anymore . . .

Still, what sent me over the edge was . . . him . . . the sight of . . . him.

The brother looked good.

Terrence Howard

Now my husband has always been a very good-looking man, but he could be a bit of a slob sometimes.   He went too long between hair cuts and shaves.   He  had a good job, but not the kind of job that required that he be clean-shaven.  His facial hair came in spotty, he could never grow a full beard, so it wasn’t the sexy five-o’clock shadow.  It was more of a “I just don’t give a crap look.”  Still, he would  clean up semi-regularly and  when he needed to for an event.  And when he did?   He looked damn good.

On this day, six days after having moved out,  he had shaved and had a fresh hair cut.     And he was wearing, not the tee-shirt he usually sported on weekends, but a nice button down shirt and slacks.  He looked damn good — for her — for his girlfriend.

Let that sit for a minute.

I didn’t know what to do so I went to the store while he played with the kids.  Shortly after  I returned he looked  at his watch and  said he had to go.   I asked if he was going to her city (I didn’t use her name)  and he said yes, and then snapped,

Dangerous Liaisons

What am I gonna do here?” 

Ouch.  Yeah, perhaps I’m not ready to share so much, but I digress . . .

Then he left.   He left what would later be referred to as  “the marital home”  to catch his flight to get to his girlfriend’s house.

Huh

He had literally left me to go to her, and looked damn good while he did it.   I, on the other hand,  didn’t look so good — or feel so good.

He was gone and I lost it.

Dangerous Liaisons, The Breakup Was Beyond His Control

I guess it was a good-old fashioned panic attack, with an underlying dose of depression.  I hadn’t been eating or sleeping and had been crying off and on for a month.  I was already fragile.  So fragile.  And this, seeing my husband, my high school sweetheart, my first love,  looking like he was going on a date, six days after having moved out, well that was too much.  The thought of him, so coiffed and together and jetting off to stay with a woman and kiss her hello, maybe see her friends and family — like a couple — literally drove me mad.   I went  to my room.  The kids must have been watching TV or something.   I remember grabbing my address book (I didn’t have a smart phone at the time) and paging through it, trying to find someone to call, looking for someone to help me because I felt out of control.  I was shaking.   I was breathing too heavily.   But my parents didn’t even know he’d moved out, I have no siblings in the area  and my best friend who had helped me on moving day is not always available, being a physician.  My heart was racing, my breathing panicked, the tears were coming and I  had the kids to think about and take care of.

I found the name of a woman, an acquaintance, really.  I’ll call her Christina.  We’d met through our children and attended kids parties together, did the couples dinner thing at her house a couple of times (my husband and I rarely had people over, that’s another issue).  I always liked this woman —  but we hadn’t become good friends.  There were a lot of reasons, my husband and her’s had nothing in common, I had so many kids, not a lot of money, was insecure socially and my husband was a loner and I followed his lead, as I’d been conditioned to do.  Christina, a lawyer turned stay-at-home mom ,was also a professor’s wife with a manageable sized family.  They entertained, they traveled, and she spoke three languages.  This was not her home town.  I think I felt inadequate around her, though we were both lawyers, or maybe it was that I saw in her a life I’d missed out on. Huh.   But  I digress . . .

Even though we weren’t that close, I dialed Christina’s  number after my husband backed out of our driveway on his way to his girlfriend.  Christina had unwittingly won my dysfunctional lottery, got my call — and  answered.

I could barely speak yet I stammered something along the lines of:

He left.

He was here and he left.

He left to be with her.

I don’t know what to do.

I can’t handle this!

I know I’m supposed to be strong but I really can’t handle this.

I can’t.  I really can’t.

The tears were coming much harder now.   I was pacing, panting and alternately shaking and clenching  my free hand.

I was not handling this with grace and ease.  Not by a long shot.

I don’t remember what Christina said to me.  I can’t remember not because it was so long ago, but because I was really — ill.  I couldn’t have told anyone what she’d said even the very next day.

Long story short, as they say, she talked me down from my frenzy and kept me from spinning further  out of control.   I think she told me to breathe.  I needed to be told that.  I think she offered to take the kids or at least some or one of them.

I don’t know.  I don’t remember.

I do know that her answering the phone that day helped me more than she’ll ever know.  (Not to sound overly dramatic but the situation was pretty bad.  I was pretty bad.)

Christina and I  never became the kind of friends who hang out regularly.  She did take my son to play with hers a few times, but our kids were not in the same grade, and we lost touch.

Recently,  however, I ran into her at a school concert. I admit that since that whole ordeal I’ve felt a bit embarrassed by my actions, my condition and my persistent inability to bounce back.   I know she never judged me but I often feel like other women deal with this stuff so much better than I do — so I judge myself.   Still, I was glad to see her to exchange pleasantries.  Truthfully, I’ve always admired her.    But when I saw Christina  she had a bit of news.  She casually told me she’d moved out of her house and now lives alone in a nearby apartment.  I knew her oldest was away at  college,  but she told me that the other boy, a ninth grader, lives with his father in their marital home.   Huh.

I didn’t know what to say, so I said, “Um . . . what?”  ( I have such a way with words.)

She smiled, repeated herself and said,  “You never know what life brings”  and added, matter of factly,  that her husband was going to buy her out of the house and that she’d been on her own for about three months.

She seemed fine.  In fact, she seemed good, really.

Maybe we’re all Desperate Housewives . . .

We exchanged  cell phone numbers.    I don’t know if she needs help or someone to talk to . . . or whatever.   If I can help, I will.

Just Me With . . .  maybe a new (old)  friend?   

I’ll try really hard not to hyperventilate when I call her from now on.   

See Also:  “My Daddy Moved Out” — My daughters announcing the break up.

Riding With My Boss — wise words from a surprising source

When I Needed a Helping Hand  — A good friend’s assistance

My Wedding Album — Time to Reduce It, Perhaps by Fire

A while back I wrote a post entitled, “Wedding Leftovers” where I discussed what to do with the remnants of a failed marriage.  I concluded that I’d keep the wedding pictures.

But . . .

Today I am consumed with the idea of destroying somejust some — of my wedding photos.   Is it a coincidence that this feeling comes on the eve of what would have been my wedding anniversary —  the first one since my Ex-husband has remarried?  I think not, but  there’s a slight possibility I’m fooling myself.  It just suddenly feels a bit icky to keep all this stuff in its original form.

I have children as a result of that  now defunct union.  I think that in later years they will enjoy seeing the pictures from their parents’ wedding.  Consequently,  I do not feel comfortable destroying — all of them.   Anyway, I looked good that day.    My  best friend looked good that day, too.  And, from a distance, my Ex-husband looked good, too.  So yes, I’ll keep some.

But  I do feel comfortable taking the pictures out of the leather-bound book and velvet cover.   I don’t need to preserve the formal display anymore.

I also feel comfortable destroying the picture of my father with my then husband’s sister, a picture that was  included in the album only because this sister was nowhere to be found when the rest of the family was posing for pictures so we kept this one shot so she would be in at least one photograph.  Anyway, there are other, better pictures of my father.    Plus, this is the sister who was not very respectful to me, my home, or my parents during “the invasion”  or the “War of the Roses” situation as I call it — Humph —  so her photo can go.

I am also content with reducing the number of pictures of the groomsmen, since the best man is the most un-photogenic person I’ve ever seen.  He was good-looking guy, but didn’t know how to smile naturally.   Embarrassingly bad pictures.   Anyway, I have not seen him or his wife or family since my Ex left me years ago.  I don’t need multiple pictures of him  in my house. See, “I am Here!

And, I do feel comfortable destroying the poorly touched up close-ups of my then husband, whose face broke out right before the wedding.  (Even his skin was trying to tell me something.)  He hated the pictures because he looked so bad and he wouldn’t “let” me show the album to anyone anyway.  Humph.

I’m even cool with limiting the bridal party pictures of the women.  My second best friend was suffering from a stomach disorder that was so bad that she had  to be  released from the hospital just to attend the wedding.  She’d been throwing up — a lot.   She didn’t look so good.   I would guess that she’d probably be quite happy if I made some of the pictures that include her . . .  disappear, especially since she’s a television personality now.

Also, I am completely cool with losing photographs of some of  my Ex-Husband’s friends and those wedding guests that now I’m not even sure why we invited– except for, of course,  that photo containing the likeness of one guest who is now somewhat famous (Nope, I’m not telling — heh, heh).  I’ll keep that one.

Yeah, I’m ready to reduce and downsize my wedding mementos and preserve them in a manner of my choosing and befitting their relative importance.   It’ll be like the olden days when there was only a portrait of the bride, maybe some pictures of the wedding party and the happy couple — but just not so many damn pictures.  I really don’t need all of them.  If my whole downsizing thing has taught me anything, it has taught me that  I don’t need to preserve everything.   Hell, my Ex-husband and his new wife don’t have this stuff taking up space in their home.  I don’t even want it taking up treasured space on my hard drive.

So yes, I am completely cool with reducing the number of photos, and placing them in a less shrine-like album.  And bonus, my taking control of  the manner of display may make it more bearable when the kids do want to look at them.

Sadly, it has started to rain.  So there will be no fires today.  Sigh.   But another day . . . burn, baby, burn . . .

Waiting To Exhale — Burn!!

Just Me With . . .  a need to reduce and control the physical manifestation of my wedding memories.   Yeah, I’m good with that now.  (And I promise not to take a Sharpie to his teeth.)

See also:  Always a Bridesmaid

My Worst Super Bowl, Remembered

Super Bowl Weekend

It was Super Bowl weekend and I was in the beginning of some of the most painful days, weeks, months, years of my life. It was about a week and a half after my husband of many years had informed me he was leaving. He had said, simply, “I have to go.” He denied that there was anyone else, stating merely that he was not happy and was never going to be happy.

And, like Forrest Gump, that’s all I have to say about that.

He had decided to leave, but I had begged him to stay, regardless of his decision. I guess I was buying time. I was still in Stage One of trying to get him to change his mind, not accepting that the marriage was in Stage Four: non-operable, treatment resistant and terminal.

A few days before Super Bowl Sunday my husband went on a pre-planned, pre-paid SCUBA trip which had been booked about six weeks before he broke up with me — really that’s what it felt like — but I digress . . . The trip itself was not completely out of character because he belongs to a club and went on trips a couple of times a year. What was odd was that he had scheduled the trip during Super Bowl weekend. What was completely crazy was that he was still going on vacation after telling me he was leaving me and while I was a sobbing heap on the floor.

The Flu

What’s worse, my kids, who are unusually healthy, freakishly healthy — I mean I have five kids and I only remember dealing with two ear infections — ever — had come down with the flu, high fevers and all.

All five children had the flu. All five. Flu. They were too sick to even take to the store. I had to get my Dad to come over while I went grocery shopping.

I was housebound with five sick children. My husband had gone to the Bahamas.

Huh. Signs of things to come.

Although I was crying all the time (I told the kids I was sick, too) having him out of the house for a few days gave me random moments of clarity which tapped into my common sense.

Long story short: It was during Super Bowl weekend that I uncovered uncontroverted evidentiary support leading me to the conclusion that my husband was not in fact on a trip with his SCUBA Club. To the contrary, he was on a romantic island vacation with another woman.

Isn’t it romantic?

Ouch.

Like how I lawyered that up? It’s a defense mechanism of mine to deal with painful topics. But in straight talk, I found out that my husband, who had simply announced after double digits of marriage, “I have to go” was on a beach getaway with another woman, a jaunt he had booked a month before he informed me he was leaving me. He was frolicking in the sand and surf with someone new, while I was heartbroken and housebound with five children suffering from the flu. (Rhyme unintended but I kinda like it so I’m keeping it.)

Stupid Super Bowl weekend. That was a long weekend. A long game. And the daggone Super Bowl happens every year and I get a little reminder of some of my worst days.

Just Me With . . . ghosts from Super Bowl’s past.

This happened some time ago. It’s all back story, the abridged version. I have a memory too good for my own good, see The Twilight Zone — Again? Seriously?, when I reflected on the date my divorce became final and damn near wrecked the car. When I’ve gone through something difficult, especially something which coincides with a holiday or special event, it is hard to ignore, try as I might. See A Sad and Disturbing True Halloween Story.

I’m better now. I’m not crying about it, at least not about him leaving me. It took years and thousands of dollars, but my divorce is final and he has remarried. He did not marry the Bahamas woman, in case you were wondering, that relationship didn’t work out — and that’s all I have to say about that.

The pain has decreased over time, but that does not negate the fact that it was a super-duper crappy Super Bowl weekend back then, by anyone’s standards, and I still remember it — like women remember (but don’t feel) labor, like people acknowledge (but don’t celebrate) the anniversary of a death. It’s just there. And it’s okay to acknowledge it — so that I’m not so hard on myself for being where I am now, and also so that I can celebrate how far I have come. Plus, one day I might even write a book.

I know I’m better off without him. But it’s like having a huge life sucking tumor removed — in the end it’s all for the best, but would it have killed somebody to give me a little anesthesia? That mess hurt.

I’m just sayin’ . . .

A couple of weeks after that Super Bowl, one of the kids announced, My Daddy Moved Out.

See also:

A Snowy Night for a Breakup

Our Breakup — The Musical Revival

 

 

The Twilight Zone — Again? Seriously?

A funny thing  happened last night.   I was on my way home, driving late at night.  Admittedly, I was tired and was forcing myself to stay awake.  I  was thinking of my gig but was also wondering whether it would be too late to get one more tweet in about my latest blog post.    “What Have I Done Since My Divorce.”   It’s just some tongue-in-cheek musings about how my life has changed since my divorce became final.

All in all, the divorce date doesn’t really matter.  Still, I’ve had to pull out the final decree throughout the year for taxes, banking, other financial matters — you know, when I’ve  filled out forms that request documentation of change in marital status.  Having just gathered my tax materials I’ve had to gaze upon the piece of paper which legally ended my already dead marriage.  And I remember dates, always have — important dates, unimportant dates, dates of good memories — and bad.   I remember.  It’s a gift . . . and a curse.

It used to really bother my Ex-Husband that I remembered so many anniversaries of events.  (I guess that would be the gift part — ha ha).    The curse part is that I also recall the cluster of wintertime  “Ex Dates” like — our first kiss, when we became a couple, when he told me he was leaving me, when he moved out, and our wedding anniversary, to name a few.    So true to my tendency to hoard useless facts  today I remembered that this was the anniversary of the day the judge signed off on the divorce. . . and it was on my mind.

For whatever reason, my being tired, the broken side view mirror, a blind spot — I drifted to the right lane too slowly and didn’t see the quickly approaching car behind me.   Suddenly, a little black car sped up next to  me, too close,  forcing me to quickly swerve back over into my lane.

“Okay, now I’m awake.”  I said to myself,  startled, heart pounding.  The little black car was next to me for a few moments.   I was expecting  him or her hit the horn,  cuss me out through a closed window — at least throw an  angry look my way.  Drivers in my part of the world are not known to be gracious.  But the car simply weaved up ahead and I never got a look at the  driver.  It was dark, the windows were tinted. He or she never even flipped me the bird. I did see the back of the car, though.

Its license plate read:  DIVORCE

What???

This time I sped up to catch the little black car to see if I read that correctly.   Yes, it said “DIVORCE.”

Seriously?

I exited the highway before the “Divorce-Mobile”  did. Though I’ve been known to follow random cars (ask my kids), I was not going to follow that particular vehicle.  I’m done with all that divorce stuff, as of one year ago.

Bottom line as to the divorce or the divorce mobile:  I didn’t see it coming.  It could have killed me.  It didn’t.  Perhaps it saved me.  Regardless, it went on to freak out other people while I took the next exit.

Just Me With . . .  life on the highway on the anniversary of my divorce.

Seriously, does anyone else find this an odd coincidence especially given my post before last, “I Went For Coffee and Took A Turn Into . . . The Twilight Zone.” ????

That particular vanity license plate should be illegal.   I must call my congressperson.

A related post on my gift/curse of remembering dates:  Happy Birthday to My Ex-Husband’s Ex-Girlfriend