So this is the anniversary of when my divorce became final. Well, well, well. The divorce process, from filing to finality was almost three years to the day. It was litigious and expensive. I still have outstanding legal bills and there is retirement money yet to be transferred. Regardless of the loose ends, the divorce itself has been final for a year. Happy freaking anniversary to me. See, Don’t Congratulate Me On My Divorce . . . Not Today.
It was my husband who was the litigious one, though I’m the lawyer. But suddenly, after his multiple filings, hearings, and mediation and him threatening to prolong the process, as in, “I don’t care how long it takes. This can go on forever. I’d rather pay my lawyer than you,” when he got this last girlfriend, he couldn’t get divorced fast enough. Huh. Even after the settlement was agreed upon and we were waiting for signatures, he filed yet another costly petition because it was taking too damn long.
Let me be clear: we aren’t wealthy people, so unlike Kobe Bryant and his wife, we weren’t dividing mansions and millions. Not even close. No, my Ex-husband had another “M” word in mind.
In the year since our bonds of matrimony were broken, My Ex-husband has remarried.
Now they are expecting. Huh. Guess he had plans. Plans which necessitated a divorce. Because the ability to remarry — that is the true power and magic of divorce. That, and being able to sign up for eHarmony.com . . . but I digress.
Well, that particular magic hasn’t happened to me. (And that’s okay, really.)
What I Have Done Since My Divorce . . .
1. I got Netflix;
2. Having never watched it before — ever, I started from episode one and got caught up on Grey’s Anatomy right up to the current episode;
3. I bought an iPhone;
4. I got on Twitter, and
5. I started this blog.
That’s right. Apparently I had plans, too, damn it. So maybe I haven’t traveled the world since I became legally single. Maybe I haven’t found someone to whom to publicly declare my love “until death do us part” (yeah, no comment) and started a brand new family . . .
I’m texting and tweeting like a champ, #hashtags and all.
Just Me With . . . Meredith and McDreamy, my Tweeps, my Apps, and my Readers.
Thank you! See also: The Twilight Zone — Again, Seriously?
Don’t sell yourself short. You have done plenty. Anyone can marry and impregnate a woman. Well, any guy can. You have single-handedly raised FIVE children alone in the four years since he bailed. That is right? Three years in court and one year since it was final? How many more arguments have you settled amongst cranky children? How many more meals have you cooked? My ex told my children I could not keep a man. Okay, I said “I want a divorce” in January. The divorce was final in February. He was engaged two weeks later in March, and married in June. So, by Fall I was labeled a loser. I did not buy it but unfortunately my three children did.
Being married is not the whole goal in life, although it is a worthy one, maybe. My friend decided not to date for the next 15 years after her divorce because she thought any man who would date a mother of five children under the age of eight years was either a lunatic or a child molester.
Your family has been split apart and your children are suffering. Do you think your being married would smooth things out at all? At some point you will marry, probably, but cool it until it happens. You are not a loser who learned to twitter.
I am not suggesting you stay single for the sake of the children, but I think they are important to you. I know they are. Do you think they could handle the divorce better if you were remarried. My ex and his brother were in their 30s and still hoping their parents, divorced for twenty years and remarried would get back together, despite his long-term second marriage and her 7th husband. Yes, she was classy, marrying and divorcing 8 men.
Hey, what about all the house repair you did? That counts.
Thanks for reading and the comment. Yes, I have dealt with a boatload of stuff since the separation and accomplished things I never knew I could or would ever have to — I’ve become quite handy. And I have and will write about some of those things from time to time– moving five kids into a house with no indoor plumbing, etc. Good times, good times. Most of these things happened over the span of time from when I was informed of the end of my marriage to now — but they are not tied to the final divorce decree. And this wasn’t the post to talk about the children and meeting their needs and dealing with their issues. This one was about me. Just a bit of tongue-in-cheek reflection. It was meant to address just the last year since the divorce became final. Honestly, I actually do think that my list of things that I’ve done is pretty cool — and fun. And I did them all without having to consult with a mate, and that’s priceless. Plus, I’ve connected with lots of people and discovered the world of blogging. Not too shabby, I think.
But I may have missed the mark if it appears like I’m bemoaning the fact that I’m not remarried. I have no desire to marry and I do not believe that marriage should be a goal in and of itself. (This is why I don’t do eHarmony.com — ha!) I can’t really even imagine it, truly. And the kids . . . no, that would be too much. The divorce becoming final didn’t mean as much to me because I had no plans to marry. It put an end to the litigation but it also cost me more in terms of health insurance so I’m still smarting from that, financially. When I spoke of the magic of divorce, I meant from the legal perspective. Once the marriage is truly over, the divorce decree doesn’t mean much, except for things like insurance and signing documents. Getting remarried is the one thing you really need the divorce decree for. I didn’t need it for that. We had been separated for years prior to the divorce becoming final so getting that piece of paper didn’t set me free, I was already free. The marriage was over. It gave him his freedom to pursue his plans remarry, but that’s him. Good luck with that, I’ll enjoy my iPhone.
I agree with Practical Parsimony. You are more likely to be happy in the long run through taking your time and getting it (whatever it is!) right. My only criticism is for the lack of celebration: it takes courage to get to where you are. You should recognise and reward yourself for that.
Thank you! I’m glad not to be married to my Ex-husband anymore. I’m glad that part of the legal process is over. I’m going to work on celebrating my accomplishments, large and especially the small ones. Thanks again!
You go girl. You’re doing good. As someone who used to run a single moms group this I know: most men are dating, living, or married to someone months within divorcing. Women, however, often need the time after a marriage dissolves to re-discover themselves. Use this time to date, travel, read, meet new friends and start new hobbies.
You’ve accomplished so much more than just netflix and Twitter…I applaud your clean up and repair of the house!
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I started to bed at 11pm but your blog caught my eye on something else I was reading–it is now almost 2:30 a.m. Because I GOT HOOKED. Your “stories” have been so interesting, and I understand so much of what you say.
Your photo of Mary Tyler Moore at the end of this entry reminded me of the months after my divorce in the early seventies–my ex picked up our daughter on Saturdays, and I, self esteem gone, spent Saturday nights alone, with a container of KFC chicken livers and coleslaw, doors locked, curtains pulled, lights out, watching Mary throw her hat into the air…the music and song of “you’re going to make it on your own” swirling through the air of my living room. I doubted it. Husband married immediately after our divorce was final (“No,” he said, “there’s no one else, I just want to be free.” Uh huh). I concentrated on raising my daughter as well as I possibly could on my little-to-no money. I remarried, happily, eleven years later. I think my life was better without him. I wish you well!
This comment means more to me than you could possibly know. Thank you, so much.
“There’s no one else, I just to be free.” Ahh, I have heard those words. Yet, he signed a lease with another woman within days of moving out, or probably before. Uh huh.
It has been a struggle, but it’s better to be without him. I just wish the timing and circumstances were different. I often say, I’m over him, but not over “it” because I’m still dealing with the results. But I will figuratively throw my hat into the air like Mary Richards for both of us! I’m happy to hear things turned out well for you. I find that inspiring. I really do. So, thank you again.