Tag Archives: mom

He Lives With His Mother?

It’s sad but true, women will put up with a lot of crap.  But it seems like one thing is very universally unacceptable — when an adult man lives with his mother.

Carrie and “Power Lad” who lived with his parents in a New York classic six apartment on the Upper East Side with a terrace overlooking the park.

Remember in Sex and The City when Carrie discovered that her latest guy shared a beautiful apartment with his parents?

Samantha He lives with his parents?
CarrieIt’s their apartment.
SamanthaSo not sexy honey.  Dump him immediately.  Here — use my cell phone.

Season Three, Episode 15.

Carrie didn’t dump him immediately, because she liked him, his parents were friendly and brought them food and he was a struggling business owner.

Once she realized, however, that Power Lad was still a child in the household, governed by his parents’ rules,  and that he was not saving money but actually spending it on really good pot, well it eventually ended.

I have some experience with this, the momma dwellers.  I hesitate to call these men out, even if I don’t use their real names, but I feel it’s a topic worth dancing around.  My momma dwellers are educated, well-spoken men.  I didn’t write them off immediately because  I’d known them since they lived in dorms.  Plus, there are certain category of momma dwellers that deserve a chance.
No Dumping Allowed
In my humble opinion, the following momma dwellers should not be immediately discarded:
1. Twenty Something Guy

I haven’t had one of these, but this  guy  is just out of school, has his  first real  job or is looking for one.  He’s recently discovered,  “Dude, they want first and last month’s rent and security before I move in?  That’s a lot of money.”  Yeah dude, better get a bank account.

Acceptable:  If he is saving for his own place.

Unacceptable : If his Mom still does all his laundry, cooks all his meals, he drives her car and he routinely buys rounds for everybody at the local bar.

2.  Break Up Guy

So the marriage/relationship didn’t work and he moved out of the  home, leaving the kids (if any) with their mother.  Suddenly he’s  homeless.  You can’t sleep on somebody’s couch forever and his married buddies are not taking him in long-term  . . . so . . .  he moves in with his mom.

Acceptable:  If he is providing financial support to his kids, someone has filed for divorce, and he is actively looking for his own place.

Unacceptable:  If he visits the kids at the marital home  “overnight.”

3.  Norman?    Older guy taking care of his elderly or sick mother.

A boy's best friend is his mother.

“A boy’s best friend is his mother.” Psycho

This guy still lives in his home town, and may even  have a good job and  his own place.   But his mother is getting older, or has taken ill. Maybe she’s widowed or divorced, either way she’s alone and probably should not live that way.  So he, like a champ, gives up, sublets, or keeps his place — but  he moves in with this mother.  He is probably a good guy, but depending on his mother’s condition, this could go on  indefinitely.

Acceptable:  If the mom is really sick.

Unacceptable:  If the mom goes out more often than he does.

4. Ethnic/Large family/family business guy or filthy rich blue blood guy

The heir to the family fortune and estate might still live with his mum.

The heir to the family fortune and estate might still live with his mum.

This guy works in his family business.  So does everybody else.  They all live in the large family home.  If you were to marry him, you might live there too for a bit. Ironically, this also happens in blue blood very rich families or royalty, “Chad” will move back to the main house while interning for “Daddy’s” company.  Except in that case Chad’s bedroom could probably accommodate most of the ethnic guy’s family and their business.

Acceptable:  If he wants to have his own family one day.

Unacceptable: If he buys a dog.  (There’s no way he’s thinking about leaving if he’s recently acquired a dog.)

If he’s a Prince, yeah, he can live with this mom.

5.  Grad school student guy.   This is a guy getting an advanced degree, perhaps a professional degree.   He studies all the time.  He lives with his parents because he can’t justify paying rent only to be conscious there a couple of hours a day.   He reasons, “Why pay for a city apartment just to study and occasionally sleep there?”   — especially true for medical students or interns.   This arrangement is almost always  temporary, and, frankly,  worth the investment.  One day he’ll graduate — and probably get a damn good job.

Acceptable:  If he is actually in school.

Unacceptable:  If he is merely planning to get back to school.  Look for that acceptance letter.

George lived with his parents before moving in with Meredith and the gang on Grey’s Anatomy

You see, a guy living with his momma should be given an opportunity to explain.   It should not be a deal breaker– at least not  until you know the underlying reasons and can access the likely duration of the living “arrangement.”

Enough Red Flags for a Communist Parade

But here are the red flags I don’t believe anyone should ignore:

1. He has a basement “room” completely set up where he pursues his personal interests — music, computers, lifting weights.  Yeah, this dude has set up house.  He ain’t going nowhere.

2.  He works from home, yet there is no home office,  desk, or computer and he has no cell phone.

3.  He’s mentioned that he hopes to inherit the house.

4.  He has never actually said he plans to move.   Pay attention to the silences.  The silences are very important.

Just Me With . . .  no momma dwellers at the moment:   one is estranged,  “If I’d Married My Stalker,”  the other is a very  special friend, “We Thought You Were Dead, Mommy — Almost F*cked to Death”  

Advertisements

Those Beautiful, Lousy, Good for Nothing Kids Clapped for Me!!!!

Last night I went to a jam session.  I took  my kids and one of their friends.   I have hopes that someday my kids will participate.  They take lessons,  they have some chops, but they don’t have the confidence or drive to get up there.  So last night they were there to listen.   Still, something beautiful happened.   They clapped . . .  for me.

I played multiple times,  I took solos, and after each, they clapped  . . . for me.   (In case you’re wondering, they weren’t the only ones.)   But  as I look back on it today, the fact that I got applause from “those people I made” is something I really needed.   They were there, in my element,  watching/listening and clapping at the appropriate times.   They showed genuine appreciation for the music, for me, and for the other musicians.  They may never get up there.    But they know their mom can, does and loves it.  They know I have credibility with other musicians — something which  has nothing to do with them or being their mom.

I’ve had a hard time with my particular situation,  the demands on me, my current place in life and the journey that brought me here.  I’d been feeling  a bit beat-down lately.  Periodically, or sometimes consistently, leaving  the  “me” behind to meet the needs of my children and be there for them  had been taking a toll.   I’m a sensitive person, but you gotta have a thick skin to raise people, and sometimes, it’s well . . . hard.     But last night, things were different, so different things were almost upside down.  I wasn’t one of the many supportive parents taking pictures and cheering my kids on at a school performance or sporting event.  They were there watching, clapping for and taking pictures of — me.  And it was good —  to play music, it was good to have a respectful audience, it was good to  back burner the  “mom” nameplate yet still have the children with me.   In short, it was good to be Just Me.

After a while it was getting late,  and they were ready to go, as was I.   As we got up to leave I was asked to play one more set.  The kids didn’t seem to mind that much. I played.  They clapped.  No complaints.  At the end of he night  I thanked them for coming.  (Mind you they did get some food out of the deal.)  But the lack of eye-rolling, whining, fighting and squirming — and their applause . . . they don’t even know how much I needed that.

Sometimes a girl just needs a little applause.   I may call my mom and just clap for her.

Just Me With  . . . my music and my  kids . . . . just being me.