It’s sad but true, women will put up with a lot of crap. But it seems like one thing is very universally unacceptable — when an adult man lives with his mother.
Remember in Sex and The City when Carrie discovered that her latest guy shared a beautiful apartment with his parents?
Samantha: He lives with his parents?
Carrie: It’s their apartment.
Samantha: So not sexy honey. Dump him immediately. Here — use my cell phone.
Season Three, Episode 15.
Carrie didn’t dump him immediately, because she liked him, his parents were friendly and brought them food and he was a struggling business owner.
Once she realized, however, that Power Lad was still a child in the household, governed by his parents’ rules, and that he was not saving money but actually spending it on really good pot, well it eventually ended.
I haven’t had one of these, but this guy is just out of school, has his first real job or is looking for one. He’s recently discovered, “Dude, they want first and last month’s rent and security before I move in? That’s a lot of money.” Yeah dude, better get a bank account.
Acceptable: If he is saving for his own place.
Unacceptable : If his Mom still does all his laundry, cooks all his meals, he drives her car and he routinely buys rounds for everybody at the local bar.
2. Break Up Guy
So the marriage/relationship didn’t work and he moved out of the home, leaving the kids (if any) with their mother. Suddenly he’s homeless. You can’t sleep on somebody’s couch forever and his married buddies are not taking him in long-term . . . so . . . he moves in with his mom.
Acceptable: If he is providing financial support to his kids, someone has filed for divorce, and he is actively looking for his own place.
Unacceptable: If he visits the kids at the marital home “overnight.”
3. Norman? Older guy taking care of his elderly or sick mother.
This guy still lives in his home town, and may even have a good job and his own place. But his mother is getting older, or has taken ill. Maybe she’s widowed or divorced, either way she’s alone and probably should not live that way. So he, like a champ, gives up, sublets, or keeps his place — but he moves in with this mother. He is probably a good guy, but depending on his mother’s condition, this could go on indefinitely.
Acceptable: If the mom is really sick.
Unacceptable: If the mom goes out more often than he does.
4. Ethnic/Large family/family business guy or filthy rich blue blood guy
This guy works in his family business. So does everybody else. They all live in the large family home. If you were to marry him, you might live there too for a bit.
Ironically, this also happens in blue blood very rich families or royalty, “Chad” (or William, or Harry) will move back to the main house while interning for “Daddy’s” company. Except in that case Chad’s bedroom could probably accommodate most of the ethnic guy’s family and their business.
Acceptable: If he wants to have his own family one day.
Unacceptable: If he buys a dog. (There’s no way he’s thinking about leaving if he’s recently acquired a dog.)
5. Grad school student guy.
This is a guy getting an advanced degree, perhaps a professional degree. He studies all the time. He lives with his parents because he can’t justify paying rent only to be conscious there only a couple of hours a day. He reasons, “Why pay for a city apartment just to study and occasionally sleep there?” — especially true for medical students or interns. This arrangement is almost always temporary, and, frankly, worth the investment. One day he’ll graduate — and probably get a damn good job.
Acceptable: If he is actually in school.
Unacceptable: If he is merely planning to get back to school. Look for that acceptance letter.
You see, a guy living with his momma should be given an opportunity to explain. It should not be a deal breaker– at least not until you know the underlying reasons and can access the likely duration of the living “arrangement.”
But here are the red flags I don’t believe anyone should ignore:
1. He has a basement “room” completely set up where he pursues his personal interests — music, computers, lifting weights. Yeah, this dude has set up house. He ain’t going nowhere.
2. He works from home, yet there is no home office, desk, or computer and he has no cell phone.
3. He’s mentioned that he hopes to inherit the house. He’s there for life, or at least his mother’s life.
4. He has never actually said he plans to move or has any interest in doing so. Pay attention to the silences. The silences are very important.
Just Me With . . . no momma dwellers at the moment: one is estranged, “If I’d Married My Stalker,” the other is a very special friend who defies any type of categorization, “We Thought You Were Dead, Mommy — Almost F*cked to Death”
See other types of dating fails:
The Perfect Man — or so I thought.
The Landscaper Guy: Not Digging Him — Part I
I Turned Down A Dinner Date With An Ex-Con
Facebook Mutual Friend with the Ex’s Girlfriend? – Part One
I have had some experience with these guys!
Guy#1–my best friend for 20 years until he died, platonic relationship. He lived with his mother because he retired as major from AF and she needed him. Well, this was the story originally. As I came to know him better, his story went to dust. She had a car and drove 11 miles to town from country and bought his groceries and cigarettes. He drove 30 miles in opposite direction to buy liquor and no groceries. When she died, he said so sadly to me, “I sure am going to miss mother’s little social security check.” ($80)
Okay, his parents lived in a one-room shack until he put down-payment on the house so they could live decently. He was an alcoholic and was abusive to his mother. When she could not drive, she begged him to get groceries or take her. He bought $60 worth of liquor and three limes. “There, you wanted groceries. Here are groceries.”
Guy#2–relationship. He lived on the road with a band for 20 years and shacked up with women whereever the gig was. (I did not know this until end of us) Married for four years and lived with wife. Divorced for 4 years and lived in ex-mil’s old trailer on her property. Moved back home with elderly mother. She took care of him—completely…food, laundry, bills, housecleaning. He did pay for cable because he wanted it and internet access. She struggled to get trash out of house and to road. I told him he should do that. He was she liked taking it out. SHE said that she mentioned it and he yelled at her, so she would rather fall down the steps as to evr ask her again. He wanted me to marry him and would have pressured me to sell house.
He married a woman who was 34, never married, still living at home. They live in the basement of her parent’s home. Since he is still in school, path I helped him with, they are willing to put up with this. He will never be independent, ever.
I think there is nothing wrong with a guy living with his mother if he is there to truly help her, not abuse her as both these guys have done. Neither of these guys ever would take a hammer to a simple task or pay to have it done. #2 said when she signed the house over to him, he would fix it up. He then said at the end of our relationship that he was tired of doing things around my house when he did not own the house. This was not news after the way he talked about his mother’s house, sister’s house, and mil’s trailer.
It is sort of like the Plum in Sula. Eva, his mother, burned him alive to keep him from crawling back into her womb/uterus. (That is what she says!)
Oh my gosh. Those are horrific stories. It is definitely important to find out whether the guy is truly “helping” his mother. One of mine told me he hated his mother. I don’t think he should have been living there. I’m not sure what was going on in that house.
I think I actually agree with your post in its entirety! There are some acceptable momma dwelling situations, and some unacceptable. Like you said, folks need to pay attention to “context clues.” Why is he living at home? How long does he plan to be there? These are all answers that may come in the form of his actions. Gotta pay attention!
Yup, absolutely gotta pay attention. Thanks for reading and leaving a comment.
This is awesome! You nailed it, hon!
Thanks, as I said, I’ve had some experience in this area. Yup, yup.
I too have known countless guys still living with mom and pop. Years ago when I was still in my 20s, I briefly dated a guy living in his family’s Park Avenue apartment. He was a 40-year-old, unemployed musician. When he FI NALLY moved out and got his own place, his family, of course, paid the rent.
Oh yes, I should have mentioned the “Starving Artist” guy– especially the ones whose parents have money. They don’t leave.
I dated one guy who lived with his grandmother. That was very shortlived. Good list!
With his grandmother? huh. I guess that could be a serious turn off. Thanks for reading and commenting.
I completely forgot about the Landscaping Guy I almost went out with. He lived with his grandmother and didn’t have a phone. hmmm “The Landscaper Guy and the Female Chandler Bing” http://wp.me/p1sXPw-43
Fabulous fabulous post.
My on/off exclusive partner who totally wants to commit himself to me at all times and I have bits of issues. And I cannot stand how he still lives with his father. Only him and his father reside in his house. He’s 26. I’m 30. We share a history of 9 years. And even though he has a job and helps me financially whenever I want. His father still buys him groceries every month. So I relate to this post and refuse to be exclusive with him until…I guess, things will be taken much more seriously. Thanks for writing this and hitting it on the head. 😀
haha, this is so interesting! I dated one guy once who still, I suppose, technically lived with his parents. But they lived overseas and merely spent a few weeks out of the year in that home. But they occupied the master room etc. I guess I haven’t given this a lot of thought because culturally, South Asian Men may sometimes live at home. But it would give me great pause if he wasn’t holding his own responsibilities.
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When I lived abroad “Sex In The City” was the closest thing I had to an actual relationship. So you can imagine that this show holds a special place in my heart. I ENJOYED reading this post, as a wave of memories whirled through my head. That being said… I nominated you for the Reader Appreciation Award, and I have provided a link below: http://pregoandtheloon.wordpress.com/2012/11/30/reader-appreciation-award/
I am glad to see someone giving credit to those of us who are with our mothers to help out. I have a good paying job, new car, health insurance, and a 401k plan. I pay for half of everything, including repairs. If i met that special someone i would move to make things easier for us. But as it stands my mom is divorced with my 14 year old brother and a minimum wage job, I’m not going to let either of them go without because the male figure who is supposed to care in his life doesn’t . (I’m 23 by the way) And too many times i’m written off because of the title “momma dweller” its irritating, i feel like i’m breaking some unknown law because i love my family enough to help them in times of need.
You sound like a good guy. And, pardon my familiarity, but I have to say you’re only 23 — it’s all good. Many people are still full-time students at 23, so the fact that you still live with family at your age shouldn’t even be a consideration. Help your family, enjoy this time in your life and feel good about it. Sure, maybe it’s inconvenient as far as privacy concerns when dating, but nothing that can’t be overcome. Being written off for being a “momma dweller” at 23? Well, I think that you’re probably dodging a bullet with those particular women, who might be after more than a relationship, sad to say. Kudos to you. Have fun, I hope you meet many nice women while living with family and after you eventually strike out on your own, whenever that may be. And Kudos to your mom, because it sounds like she raised a good man.
Thank you for your kind words 🙂
Your forgot number 5. He loves his mummys food and thinks no woman could cook aswell as mummy
Right! Absolutely! It is a huge red flag if a momma dweller goes on and on about his Momma’s cooking. Nobody can compete with that and he’s not going anywhere.
My Mil has 3 sons, my husband and his 2 brothers. The youngest brother is in his early 30’s and has lived with her the whole time I’ve known him. He briefly moved out with roommates several years ago but always came back. He delivers pizza for a living and blows all his money on gaming. He only pays her rent if guilted by my husband. Her living room is cluttered with his junk, including dorm room style furniture and a laptop he never even uses. She does his laundry and buys food, beer and soda for him. She has to wake him up for work and he still late every day. He rewards her by being grumpy and rude to her.
The older brother has a roommate and lives across town but still lets her buy his groceries and sometimes do his laundry. He went jobless for so long that he borrowed money from her until she had financial trouble. Then he started asking us. I allowed it one time, and only after he had gotten a job. It took him a month more than he said it would to pay us back and he never called to apologize. I won’t make the same mistake twice. She gets most of his mail. Because she handled his finances when he was in the military, she is involved to some extent in his bills.
At least I married the responsible one…
Whoa, sounds like you did get the best of the bunch. If he was in his early 30’s living with parents while saving or starting a business or actually helping his parents that would be completely different. This guy is acting like a teenager, but to be fair I guess his mom is enabling it. Shows how siblings can be completely different. Glad you won’t get sucked in. Thanks for the comment.
I love reason #2!
Found the comments so true.I dated a 50 something man making close to 90k a year no children never been married and still lives with him mother.I would of stayed in the relationship but he had all kind of excuses why he couldn’t buy a house with me.I find this sick and sad.What is up with a person like this?
That sounds like a Momma and commitment issue. Big Red Flags.
Yep… I am that loser/mama’s boy!!!
I don’t have a legitimate reason why anymore… I am just a 47 year old loser.
I had the same job for 25 years. And a side business too. When I turned 40, the economy took a s h i t, and killed the business. I lost my job, My hair fell out, my 27 year old girlfriend left me, I had to move out of my beach pad, and last but not least… I completely lost my confidence and self worth. Since age 17, I always had my own place, a nice truck, plenty of money, and tons of girlfriends…
But now at 47, I live in my mom’s guesthouse over looking the ocean, and I haven’t had a date in years.
No need to post this blog! Believe me, no women will date me, or any other ”mama boy loser”.
I have accepted that I am going to be single for the rest of my life.
I never imagined I would end up like this, but I did.
Loser? No. You have just provided some very real life reasons why you live at your mom’s guesthouse. You’ve also stated that you’ve lost your confidence and self worth and that those feelings are being confirmed by the women you try to date and/or your single status. That makes you feel like a loser, but it doesn’t mean you are a loser. Stuff happens, I know. There are good reasons for living with parents and there are red flags — usually when the guy doesn’t want to, has never, and sees no reason to live independently. That doesn’t sound like you. I wish you the best.
Omg, I was engaged to a 50 something mamma dweller! What a mess!
I take it that it didn’t work out? Like I said, there are some legitimate reasons for it, but it can also signal a problem.
My 55 year husband lives with his mother. He went to drug rehab and I didn’t allow him to come home. So he asked his mother if he could stay with her rather than going to a rehab house. She took him in very reluctantly but was upset when she found out that he could have gone to a rehab house. He does come over to visit or eat dinner with me and our daughter. There is no sex between us, a slight kiss or hug is all. I care for him because I remember how he was but I think that man is gone. He is mentally unstable and emotionally void. He says he doesn’t know how or when he will get better. He does go to work; a condition his mother gave him if he stays with her. He gets drug tested at work, goes to AA meetings and is seeing a pychiatrist. When we met him he was living with his parents and had gone thru alcohol rehab. We have been married for 18 years, the past 8 have been draining. He likes living with his mother, he doesn’t ever ask to come home. I will be filing for divorce soon. Warning to women about men that live with their mothers…..stay away from them.
Wow. I’m sorry, sounds like you’ve been through hell. I hope things look up for you. I do think it’s important to ask why a grown man still lives with his mother. There might be a reason that is perfectly fine, but there might be reasons, like with your husband, that raise serious red flags. Good luck to you.
I read this article after it was shown to me by a friend at work and reading the articles, it doesn’t reflect too kindly on us women. The fact that women are so quick to dismiss men who live with their mothers is very, very sad. My husband, Robert, lives with his mother in her house as do I. When I first met him and he told me he lived with his mother, I thought like many of you do, that he would end up being another loser who lived in the basement smoking weed all day and playing video games. I was only a 1/3 correct lol.
First of all, yes, he did live with his mother. But, he took care of her not her take care of him. Instead of judging him right away I asked about his life. When he told me everything he and his mother had been through with her husband, all of his illnesses, his abuse, and all of the madness they endured, it broke my heart. They had no family other than each other, so it was no wonder they were so tight. Their other relatives turned their backs on them and left them to suffer. But through it all, he stuck by and helped and protected is mother. All of the years of stress and misery took their toll on his mother and her health declined. She suffers from Rheumatoid Arthritis and she is debilitated by it, hence why he has to take care of her. Robert explained he had the opportunities to leave and move in with other people, but he couldn’t just leave his mother there alone to deal with her husband. So he stayed.
Once I got to know him, and I mean HIM, not what possessions he had or whatever, I saw how strong, caring, loving and basically amazing he is. When I met him, I was living on my own in an apartment in the city. My parents were the “out by 18” kind and told me once I left for college, I was not allowed back. Now, I know a lot of people would support their mentality, but to be honest, I felt so betrayed and alone when they said that to me. I spent the first night in my dorm crying my eyes out realizing I could never go home again and that if I failed, I was out on the street. So, I worked hard, graduated and scrambled as fast as I could to get a job and an apartment. I ended up in this cramped, two bedroom apartment with a roommate who was a total bitch. I did the whole clubbing thing and bar scene, but it ended up only disgusting me. It was like that for me for years.
I met Robert on a dating site. He was 30 at the time, seemed nice and I thought he was handsome so when he messaged me I replied and we started talking. At first he was a little dark and odd, but he could also be funny and he was very intelligent. I asked if he had gone to college but he told me no, he worked since he graduated high school but ended up in disability after injuring his back at work. He had no car, but got around just fine and was completely self sufficient. On our first date I asked him about his life and he didn’t hold back. He said if things were going to go anywhere I would have to know the truth. And he told me everything. We spent hours talking about his past and what he had been through and why he still lived with his mother. He said to me “I couldn’t just abandon my mother. When I thought about all the times she was there for me and had stood up for me, what kind of worthless dog would I be if I left her to face that bastard alone?” He told me how he helped keep the house afloat, the bills paid, helped keep his mother together when her husband was driving her insane and defended her when that monster tried to hurt her.
That right there told me the kind of man he was. An amazing man, rare and unique, especially in this day and age.
So, today, I still work at the same job I had since graduating college, legal secretary, and he works as a home health aid taking care of his mom. We all live in her house, but it’s more like our house now. His mother is a good woman, loving and kind. Actually, she treats me better than my own mom did. Robert and I don’t have tons of cash, but we are happy. Our vacations are a few days down the shore or just lounging around the house in sweats for a weekend gaming. Yes, he is an avid gamer, but it’s actually a lot of fun. My social circle has increased exponentially since becoming a gamer. I talk to people from around the world and have friends from Australia, Germany, England and Japan. It really is incredible. But, back to the topic at hand. I love Robert and his mother. They are my family now. I have been with him for 2 years now and I feel more at home with them than I ever did anywhere else. When I come home, dinner is either ready or being ordered, (he knows awesome takeout places) laundry done, bills paid, house clean and I can just relax. We all have dinner, talk, watch TV, it’s very comfortable. As for intimacy, well…. It’s not much of a problem. We sound proofed our room as well as his mother’s so no one hears anything. Even as I type this I am pregnant with Robert and I’s first child, a girl due in December. We’re all very excited. He’s been working on turning the spare bedroom into a nursery for when the baby comes. There is something about raising our child in the house he grew up in that makes it feel more…. connected.
So, to all the ladies out there who say guys who live with their moms are lazy, or losers, or trouble, it’s not true. Yeah, there are some slackerjacks to avoid, but that’s why you get to know them first. Don’t judge the man by his situation, judge the man for him. You’ll be surprised about what you learn.
I’m glad you found love. Truly. I had two relationships with men who share space with their moms. One for health reasons (hers) and his (depression); another for reasons unknown to me initially but then later the situation changed, he needed to stay because of her declining health and/or to take care of the home when she was away staying with other relatives. I assume that he couldn’t and wouldn’t and shouldn’t leave now. A lot of people take care of parents, I’m one of them, especially lately. It is a blessing to have the ability to explore and do different things while your parents are healthy and can be on their own happily. Because when they need you, you gotta be there, come home, move them in with you, whatever it takes.
It sounds like you found a loving, mature man and it works for you. That’s a good thing. I have a hood friend who married a man who was living with his mom for readons similar to yours. The three of them lived together until she passed away. It was hard seeing her suffer and struggle in the end, but they have no regrets.
If a man is otherwise interesting, dumping him immediately because of his living situation doesn’t make sense. And it is true that you can tell a lot about a man by how he treats his mom. A lot. Sometimes you can tell a lot about a man by how his mom treats him — and I’m only referring to younger, healthy moms and sons in that case.
There was an old saying — sacrificial daughter — in large families where there was one kid who never really leaves, never marries and that is the child who has primary responsibility for the parents in their twilight years. I don’t think it was a conscious decision, just something that happened. And clearly it doesn’t have to be a daughter. Sons can stay also.
Anyway, I’m rambling and a little melancholy. You caught me on a day where I’m worried about my own parents. So no, no one should be faulted for taking care of a loved one. I was only joking about the men who claim that’s what they are doing but really are enjoying the benefits of having a mom to do things for them.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
I am a 47 year old man who’s mom stays with. Her house went into foreclosure and she had nowhere’s else to go. At times I am a bit selfish because I’m used to my freedom. It is really putting a damper on my personal life and I don’t know what to do. I can’t put my mom out and I am not financially stable enough to pay bills in 2 different places. It’s also hard to convince women that I am not a mommas boy but I am doing what I have to do for my family. Any advice would be appreciated!!!
Sounds like you are doing the right thing and are a good person. I think and hope that for people over a certain age women can be less dismissive of a man who lives with mother in order to care for her. It may be how you phrase it — I invited my mom to live with me because she had no place else to go and I can’t afford to pay for a separate residence for her — just like you said. Any woman who has a problem with that — other than logistics to have alone time — isn’t worth the effort in my opinion. I think you should tell them as early in the conversation as possible — that your mom moved in with you. What you said above is actually perfect I think — it tells her that you have been on your own, that family is important, and acknowledges the realities of the economy and housing costs. I think it comes off as very adult and responsible. Then take her out for something fun. If she lives alone you’ll eventually have someplace to be alone. And then maybe talk about a long-term goal — like to find an affordable place your mom wants to live, or duplex where you’d each have your own space but still pool resources. Now that I’m thinking about it, younger women might not have an understanding of it since they probably don’t have friends with aging parents, so if you date young you will really have to spell it out. Good luck to you.
My ex is 48 I’m still in love with him he has lived with his mom all but probably five years of his life he has two kids one 27, one 2 he lived with the ex of the 12 year old for about 3 years and lived with 27 year old boy for a while when he was growing up but he toured with a band and his mom took care of his son so he moved back to mom’s house he lives in the basement he has his weights and drums down there and his 12 years old sleeps down there when he comes for his visits he told me he wanted to get married to me. Lived me more than he thought possible. he stayed at my house 95% of the time we were together for two-and-a-half years he took care of me for 2 years when I was in a car accident and had 4 back surgeries. I saw he was burning out. he wasn’t going to leave me so I broke it off. when I let him go, a day and a half later he told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore and he won’t speak to me anymore it’s been just over a year now. why is it that he won’t move out of his mother’s house? he was in love with a number of different women. he stays about three years and he always said that if, by three years that he doesn’t feel like he wants to marry, he’s going to move on he did have one girlfriend for 7 years when he was younger. He works in construction, works 95% of the Year makes good money but didn’t have a single penny saved and has nothing to show for himself. he still lives with his mother and he’s going to finish the upstairs attic into an apartment for him and his son when his younger brother buys his house. What is wrong with this guy he was the sweetest, most loyal most loving man I’ve ever met. hilarious, kind, smart, but not educated. Who dropped out of high school in his junior year and has been working construction since. He’s just a wonderful caring man, always told me you never wanted to get married until he met me and when he does get married it definitely will be to me and then we started talking about it and showing him rings that I would like and he said when it’s time he will do it in his own time and of course that never happened so I stopped talking about getting married like we were going to do and he started talking about it like watching a movie on TV with a wedding he said that’s what our wedding will look like telling and me what he wants at our wedding. I broke up with him when I was burning out. It was a day and a half later he told me he wasn’t in love with me and only stayed because he was waiting till I was able to take care of myself. Yet all the while, even when I was breaking up with, he told me he loves me, want to spend the rest of his life with me wants to buy a house together in a day and a half later is when he told me he wasn’t in love with me. Can you please give me some insight on this because it’s been a year and we have not talked. he stopped over once cuz his daughter lives with me, to fix her bedroom door. Unless we got a few parts and it’s not come back since. Pick up some stuff in the garage that was his daughters because I didn’t want it to get ruined in the garage. he wouldn’t drop off the clicker for my garage door because you said it’s too hard to be at the house and talk to me. We haven’t talked in a year. Can you please please give me some insight is it just commitment-phobia or is he just screwed up