Tag Archives: handyman

My Panty Drawer/Your Panty Drawer — My Adventure in Home Staging and Carpet Installation

I’ve talked about the crap I’ve had to deal with in my new house, well not crap, piss, actually, see Piss, Puke and Porn, but my old house had been a fixer upper, too.   There were a lot of jobs that didn’t get finished, what with kids that started coming two at a time and then the husband walking out and all.   But I had decided to sell and I had to do cosmetic changes quickly to make the house more appealing.

I needed to get carpet on the stairway and upstairs hallway.   Not a job I could do myself.   Even the most avid DIY-ers will call in the pros for carpet installation, especially stairs.   So I got a quote from one of those next day installation companies since the house was already on the market and I needed a quick turnaround.   Didn’t like the sales guy that came by hours late — said he couldn’t find my house and when he did, there were no cars in the driveway so he thought I was out.   Wrong.  But again, I needed a quick turnaround so I went ahead and booked a time  for neutral colored carpet to be installed next day.

For staging purposes,  I had already moved one of my dressers from my bedroom to another room to make my bedroom appear larger.   (This was a big house , but it was an old house so we didn’t have the huge walk in closets, etc., just a lot of  rooms).  So my dresser, containing my bras and panties and pajamas, was in the room (formerly and traditionally, a nursery) adjacent to the master bedroom at the top of the stairs.  I sometimes keep important documents in my panty drawer (anyone else do that?) so I had been looking in there for a credit card I don’t usually use to pay for the carpet.   I admit that  I may have left the drawer slightly ajar — cracked, but not completely open.

Sitting with the supervisor downstairs I completed the paperwork and made the down payment.   While we were doing this the workers came in to prepare for installation.     This much must be understood:   this was a hallway carpet installation, the previous carpet had already been removed.   In other words, there was no furniture to move out of the way and no bedrooms were getting new carpet.    After the paperwork was finalized, I checked on the workers.

I walked upstairs to find a man in the extra room with his hand in the now open underwear drawer,  gazing at and  fingering my panties. My good, lace,  hoping I’ll get lucky  — underpants.   Ew.   (Ladies, you just crossed you legs, didn’t you?)  As soon as he saw me he dropped them, removed his hand,  looking like a kid caught with his hand in the candy jar — or more accurately — looking like a man caught with his  hand  in my panty drawer!

Nothing was missing from my drawer.  But in my mind my panties would never be the same.  I complained to the supervisor who spoke to the workers — in Spanish.   I don’t speak Spanish.   I complained to the corporate offices in writing.  I got a call saying that they had investigated and  the worker said the drawer probably fell open while they were moving furniture, and of course I countered,

THE WORKERS DIDN’T HAVE TO MOVE ANY FURNITURE TO INSTALL HALLWAY CARPET!   THEY HAD NO TO REASON TO BE IN THAT ROOM AT ALL, LET ALONE IN MY UNDERWEAR DRAWER!  

Now,  I understand that any company can get a bad worker, but not only did they offer me nothing for my experience, but I even got the subsequent follow-up marketing calls, you know, the “How did you like our service?” calls.   It was  funny, because I would calmly respond,  “The carpet is fine, but one of your workers played with my panties and that kinda of ruined it for me.   So, no, I can’t recommend your company to anyone.”  Ha!  Oh, the stutters I would get from the unknowing telemarketer!!!     But really, what kind of company would keep me on the call list after I’d complained in writing?

This is a national carpet company — and to this day when I hear their ads with their catchy jingle, I sing a little ditty — “They’ll install carpet and feel up your panties — today.”

Just Me With . . . panties that get more action than I do.

The Perfect Man — or so I thought.

My Electrical Challenges

My Electrical Challenges —  or My Heart

I was in the midst of a nasty divorce and remodeling a nasty house.  (See Piss, Puke, and Porn).   I was learning how to do so many construction type things by myself.   I went almost daily to the Home Improvement Store.

Sometimes I bought what I needed.

Sometimes I’d just stare at items and plan my next project.

Sometimes . . . I would just stare.

I had decided I would learn about electrical work (dangerous, I know).  My thinking was that carpentry is all good but it requires a fair amount of strength – man strength  that  I just don’t have, and I’d often need help for those projects anyway, same with plumbing.  I was looking to learn how to do things I can do my own damn self.  So electrical work– nothing big– more like just being able to trouble shoot and maybe one day being able to replace a receptacle or put in a light fixture — could be a skill I could use by myself.  It doesn’t take a whole lot of strength, and it  seemed like something about which I could at least try to develop a working knowledge.    So I bought a book and was standing in the electrical aisle — you know, just looking.

(As an aside, if you like the work boots kinda guy, it’s fun to  look at the home improvement store customers early in the morning during the week if you can get there.  Weekends, not so much, unless you want to ogle  married guys with their wives and kids in tow.)

Anyway,  a nice gentleman working there asked if he could help me.   He was okay cute, well-spoken, friendly — impressed when I told him about my projects but not condescending.   The conversation turned personal and I found out he was divorced with grown kids (he must have married young), and he owned his home.  I told him I was getting divorced too, hence  my move to the fixer home (my Hoarders dump).

Ahmed Hassan, Former Host of DIY and HGTV’s “Yard Crashers” I miss him, what were they thinking in replacing him?

I started to think:   Well, this is The Perfect Man.  Based on his store discount alone I could justify falling for him.   Plus — bonus, he actually had skills, electrical skills, construction skills —  and a nice smile.  This man could teach me things.   (I was still mid-divorce nastiness, not dating but trying to be open to it.)  I started to fantasize about power tools and having someone to hold the other end of the tape measure.  Ahhh    “Maybe I should go out with this guy,”  I thought.  “What can it hurt?”   So when he finally got around to asking if he could give me his number (very gentlemanly I thought), I just said,  “Sure.”  At the time, this was a huge step for me.   Though my husband and I had been separated for a while, I did not feel very single yet and was not ready to be “out there.”    (Sadly, some of that has not changed.)  Anyway,  he got some paper, scribbled his name and number and handed it to me.

His name?  —- SAME FREAKIN’ NAME AS MY ESTRANGED HUSBAND!!!!

What the . . .  ?

I kept his number for a while, but I couldn’t bring myself to call.   I knew I’d never be able to say his name.  Never.  Ever.

My Home Improvement Store Guy Fantasy was over.

Just Me With . . .  the digits of a guy with the same name as my husband.