7 Days of Sex

There’s this new show on The Lifetime Channel, called “7 Days of Sex. ” I admit that I’ve never seen the show, but the commercials suggest that the show is about married couples making daily or nightly sex a priority in their relationship to “save the marriage. ” You know, bring back the romance. Or, as Justin Timberlake set out to do, they are bringing sexy back.

Whatever.

How I Met Your Mother

The whole thing reminds me of a conversation I had with a co-worker at the law firm where I once worked. The man was a very bright, affable, verbose fellow who was a gifted orator. I’ll call him Barney. I call him Barney because his manner of speaking reminds me of Barney in the television show “How I Met Your Mother,” which I recently discovered on Netflix and use to stave off my bouts with the blues. Unlike the TV Barney, however, Law Firm Barney wasn’t a womanizer. To the contrary, he was happily married. A devout Catholic, he was already on baby number four. He was hired laterally from another firm, was a bit older than us, and I think we believed he was wiser. He was the sweetheart of the senior male partners, and very good with clients. During that time we all “suited up” but Barney was impeccably dressed at all times.

Like the TV Barney on “How I Met Your Mother” Law Firm Barney would often espouse pearls of wisdom upon us younger and less experienced attorneys. His teachings were not always about the law.

One day, as we sat in the firm’s cafeteria, he explained to us that he would never cheat on his wife because,

“The fucking you get ain’t worth the fucking you get.”

Okay Barney. That one pretty much speaks for itself.

Another bit of knowledge he dropped on us went like this:

Barney: “You know what men really want? “

The rest of us: “Tell us, Barney.”

Barney: “Wait for it . . .” Well actually, he didn’t say that, but the tone was the same.

What he did say with the same type of authority was,

“All men really want is: Sex On Demand.”

He continued, “That’s it. That’s all. If a man has that, he’s happy. We’re very simple creatures.”  (True story.)

Well, I gave this serious thought. I think I only had one child at the time.  But since well before I had become a mother I worried how motherhood would affect my figure, career, marriage, finances, sex life and general mojo. I wanted children, but I didn’t want to be “the mom” and all that that apparently implies. (Think of commercial moms hawking toilet paper and the dreaded mom jeans.) Obviously I had developed my own Madonna/Whore issues. I blame magazines and talk shows and pamphlets in the doctor’s offices. In an effort to gain readers and possibly drop some knowledge they, in my humble opinion, perpetuate the Madonna/Whore syndrome — or hell, they almost teach it.

I had already made a vow to myself that my husband and I would not be one of those couples who forgo physical intimacy for long periods of time because we had become parents.

So the knowledge that Law Firm Barney had dropped on us in the cafeteria was intriguing to me. I had been playing the role of trying to make my brooding husband happy for years. At the very least I tried not to make him mad. If, I thought, I adopted Barney’s philosophy, I would have a happy husband. Could it be that easy? Would it be that hard? (No pun intended, that’s another story altogether.)  See My Cheating Husband Was Packing Viagra.

And for me? Well, if I did this, this Sex On Demand thing, I would be more than a mother. I could be available in non-maternal ways. Willing. Always. (insert purring noises)  

Beyonce and Jay Z at the Grammys. Seems like Beyonce wants everyone to know she’s still sexy after becoming a mother. She’s a sexy mother . . . (shut your mouth)

So I made another vow to myself, without telling my husband. I vowed to provide “Sex On Demand.”

And I did. I stuck to my vow for a long time. A hell of a lot longer than a mere seven days, those wusses. (I got a respite when my doctor said I couldn’t do it because of pregnancy complications and birth — I actually requested a note, but I digress . . .)

My husband and I were “intimate” right up to the day he left me.  Actually, we were intimate on that day . . . but I shamefully digress  . . .

Now I’m about to drop some knowledge on all of you. Contrary to popular belief,

“A man who strays does not necessarily do so because he’s not getting any at home.  Au contraire.  A man could be getting it plenty at home and still get it elsewhere.” 

Boom!

Just Me With . . . Sex on Demand — a stupid idea for questionable yet good intentioned reasons that went very, very wrong.

I’m not married anymore. I’m not in a relationship right now. So the 7 Days of Sex show is not relevant to me at this time in my life. I don’t think I’ll watch. But whenever I’m next in a committed, serious, physical relationship, I will treat my body as my own. That’s bringing sexy back.