Online Dating — What am I looking for?

I’m single. I’m free.  I should be out there, right?  Wrong.  I have some real logistical problems in getting out what with all those people I made (the kids).  But this post isn’t about that.  Even if I could get out of the house, I just tiptoe around dating.  Except for my Transitional Man, the only men I’ve dated since my marriage ended have been guys I’ve known since college.  I think about branching out.   I create online profiles but don’t pay.  I don’t have a lot of extra money right now, but it  isn’t really about that either.  I check out guys’ profiles and  get messages but I never respond.   Why?   Am I afraid of meeting a stranger — is it a safety issue?  Nah.  I don’t mind talking to strangers.   Truth is,  I can’t even get through the “What are you looking for?” questions online — let alone in person.    I  don’t know what  I’m  looking for.  I’m not looking for  anything.   I know I’m not looking for a husband.    I can’t take care of another living thing.  I can’t imagine being anybody’s girlfriend.  I could go on a date, though, if I had time.   But in the meantime . . .  I guess I need to be single, free for a bit.    Doesn’t hurt to look, though . .  heh heh heh.

Fertile Myrtle — I have a lot of kids

TameraMowryHousley

Yes, I had twins, twice — back to back, plus a singleton.

Yup. Yup. Yup.   I can’t count how many times I’ve said this.  It never  gets old.  Sometimes I have to say it to myself just so that I believe it.

Olsen Twins

The husband and I had been happily child-free by choice for years,  but it was time to have some babies.  Because of  job issues, we wanted to have two in a row, God willing.

We had one, a boy.   According to  plan,  by the time our son was 11 months old I was pregnant again.  All was well until I had some spotting.  I was terrified.  Before my son I’d had a miscarriage and I was really afraid of having another.  I didn’t want to relive that pain of being told they can’t find a heartbeat.   I felt okay but because of the spotting my doctor sent me for an ultrasound immediately.    I went alone.  I was thrilled when they showed me the heartbeat!

And then . . . they showed me  another heartbeat!

It was twins!

Twins? Twins.   Two strong heartbeats.  The spotting stopped and  I had full-term fraternal baby girls.   The boy was just 19 months old when the girls were born.   I didn’t get my tubes tied on the table because it was a vaginal birth.    My husband didn’t get snipped, which he would never do anyway.  I wasn’t planning to have more children but I guess I wasn’t ready to make that an impossibility.  I did know  that after having gone through a twin pregnancy and childbirth I didn’t want to go through a separate procedure to get my tubes tied.  So, I didn’t.

When the girls were about six months old and the boy was two there was trouble in paradise:   my husband had an affair.

It was more of a fling that I found out about — immediately.  He voluntarily ended it.     It was a difficult time.   I did not take it well, but I had  three kids in diapers, two of which were nursing.    It was an incredibly challenging time, parenting-wise, having a toddler and twin babies.   Frankly,  I needed my husband’s help.

Months passed, and we hadn’t really reconciled.  We hadn’t really dealt with it, the demand of having three little ones took most of our focus.   My husband  was still sleeping in the guest room.   I was still nursing the babies, but less often.   They were getting some solid food.

Bree and husband

Then one night, I was feeling amorous.  Who am I kidding, I was so freaking horny out of my mind.  Bow-Chicka-Bow-Wow.  I should have known I was having some sort of major hormonal surge.  I just had to have sex.  Had to.    I told my husband that it didn’t mean anything it was just about the sex.  I simply required his services.  (I’m so romantic.)

We’d both been tested by this time . . .  so . . .

Calendar

A few weeks later I was missing something — but  I was still nursing,  my body was not yet my own, let alone my cycle.  Still,  something was up.   In addition to missing my period I had the signs.  Frequent urination, I was even nauseous and starting to show — strong and early — just like with the twins.  My best friend the gynecologist brought over a pregnancy test for me when my husband was out.  I couldn’t face the possibility on my own and couldn’t deal with my semi-estranged husband.

Like so many women before me I engaged in the peeing on the stick ritual.   It was positive.  Right away, no faint line.  It screamed PREGNANT!   Of course.

I couldn’t tell my husband.  We were barely talking.    My pregnancy symptoms worsened, and they were heightened just like with my twin pregnancy.  That’s the thing about pregnancy, it just keeps going, even if you don’t tell anybody.

Then we got a very strange phone call.    My mother-in-law called and told us she had dreamed of fish — twice.   Well, there  is an old  African-American wives tale:   when you dream of fish, someone  in the family  is pregnant.  She’d had this dream before, and it was accurate last time.   Shortly after my mother-in-law dreamt of fish my sister-in-law announced she was (accidentally) pregnant.   But this time, no one else in the family was reasonably likely to be pregnant so . . . she was checking on us.   After all, she had dreamed of fish —- TWICE!!!!  

 

Twice.

When I finally told my husband I was pregnant and described how I’d been feeling,  he laughed and said, “I bet it’s twins.”

(What a prince.)

I retorted, “No, that doesn’t happen.”

I don’t necessarily believe any of those old superstitions,  but  my mother-in-law’s call, my husband’s teasing,  my overwhelming pregnancy symptoms which were  so similar to my last twin pregnancy,  along with the scientific fact that pregnant women have no patience and suddenly become very superstitious — well I just had to know.

I begged my doctor for an ultrasound.   There was no real medical reason for it, really.  I wasn’t spotting or having pain and it was early on.   Still, for peace of mind and to ease my anxiety I just needed to know that  it was not twins.  I needed to know.   Plus,  it was time to tell folks that I was pregnant — and I wanted to assure them that it was just one baby this time.

My doctor prescribed the test.

When I went  to the ultrasound (again by myself)  the technician asked me why I was having the scan.   I told her “to rule out twins”  — since I  had just had twins.   “Oh.”   She made small talk and asked me how old my kids were (2,1, and 1).  But once she started the scan she got very quiet.  Small talk was over.  Even though the pregnancy wasn’t planned, I didn’t want to lose the baby.   I didn’t want to relive the heartbreak of not being able to find  a heartbeat.   Deja vu.

Again, I was terrified.   The technician left the room without saying a word.  This was unnerving.  I was so scared, pregnant, emotional and laying on that table in the room alone, without a clue as to what was going on.

A few minutes later, the technician came back  — with her boss.

I asked them, “Is there a heartbeat?”

“Oh yes, there’s a heartbeat,” said the boss lady.

Phew.

Then they showed me the screen. “Here,”  she pointed, and . . . “here,”  she pointed again.   Deja Vu .   There were two strong heartbeats — again

After I dressed,  with  mind reeling or alternatively in complete denial, I called  my semi-estranged husband from the exam room and left him  a voicemail, “Yeah, it’s twins.”

Months later,  I gave birth to full-term fraternal twin girls — again.   This time I had to have a C-Section and at my request,  they performed a tubal ligation while I was still on the table.   No more babies, and that’s alright with me.

So there you have it.  This is how I ended up with five children in about three and a half years.

Because of the circumstances of their conception,   I sometimes refer to that second set  of twins (behind their backs of course) as “Oops and Uh-oh.

Oh yeah, and  my first-born  Singleton Boy?   He started out as twins.   My hormone levels had been high, I was measuring large, and  was sent for an ultrasound after my doctor said, “You might have an army in there!”   By the time I had the test done, it showed that his twin had been “absorbed”  in utero early in the pregnancy. I didn’t think much about it — at the time.      Sometimes I call the boy “Jeffery Dahmer” though,  (you know, because he ate his twin and all).  Ha! 

I had conceived twins three times in a row, like a boss.

Just Me With  . . .  almost twins, twins and twins.

I asked my doctor why this kept happening.  She simply said, “I don’t know.”

 

See also:  Five Kids, One  Table, Rope, Six Chairs, and a Plan — How to deal with lots of little kids.

Wedding Leftovers — What To Do With The Dress?

A  married woman tends to keep three major things from her wedding:  The Rings, The Dress, The Photo Album.   Well, I’m not married anymore.    Since there are kids I suppose I have to keep the wedding album.   The Rings?  Well, I recently sold them.  Didn’t get much.  Told myself I would buy something for myself — not for the house, not for the family or kids –with whatever I could get for them.  It felt empowering.  Bought  myself an  iPod.   Now the dress.  When I moved to a much smaller home, I didn’t feel like making room for the box that holds my dress.  Right now it is at my parents’ house.   I couldn’t get a local consignment shop to take the veil so it went to Goodwill.   The shoes finally got thrown out.  They were stained satin, unwearable.  I was only keeping them for sentimental reasons.  I’m devoid of sentiment these days, so they are gone.   But that danged dress!   It’s a little harder to get rid of.  I looked good in that dress.   I was wed long enough ago that the dress is completely out of style, but it’s not old enough that it  could be worn as vintage.   Even if it was wearable,  I guess I’m just superstitious enough that I wouldn’t want someone I know wearing my wedding dress since the marriage ended in divorce.   So what to do with it?   Halloween?  Perhaps.  I keep thinking I’ll have one of those parties for women when you wear a wedding or bridesmaid dress just for fun.  Yeah, that’ll  happen — not!  My daughters want to play with it.  Maybe I’ll let them — before I get rid of it.   But I think I kinda don’t want to see it, ever again.  Donating it to a theatre company?  Possible.  Burn it in the fire pit I built with my own bare hands in the yard of the  house I now own  by myself (well, with the bank)?  hmmmm.  I just don’t know.   Seems so wasteful,  maybe like the wedding, maybe like the marriage.   (yeah yeah I know, I got the kids out of the marriage — but for the kids, though, what a freakin waste) .    I looked damn good in that dress— a lifetime ago . . .

Divorced Ladies:   What have you done with  your wedding gown?

Just Me With . . . a big old white dress.
See Also: Wedding Album, Time to Reduce it, Perhaps by Fire

Facebook Mutual Friend with the Ex’s Girlfriend — Part Two

So if you read my earlier post, “Facebook Mutual Friend With The Ex’s Girlfriend — Part One” you know that sitting at Starbucks I found out for sure that my Transitional Man –the first man I had dated since my separation — who I’d met by a chance encounter on the street, had also dated my Ex-Husband’s Girlfriend.

When I told him he was freaked out. I do believe he stuttered a bit, “Wha Wha What?” This dude is an ambitious, self-assured lawyer. The fact that he was at a loss for words is no less than extraordinary.

“Yes,” I said, “My husband is living with her.”

“Living with her?” He was astonished.

“Yup.” I was still getting used to it.

Now here’s where I tread lightly. I don’t want to bad mouth the Girlfriend . After all, she is not the woman my Ex left me for (that relationship didn’t work out, surprise, surprise) and though she has done some things that have overstepped for sure, I don’t want to use this post as any kind of venting situation. So I will condense and dilute his comments.

Actually, I didn’t ask him anything about her. He just started talking. It felt like he wanted to be my source of information. First he assured me that they had not slept together. (I find that quite hard to believe, he buys his condoms in bulk).

Then he said something very interesting. He said he didn’t think she’d be very “kid friendly.” Next, he made a most caring comment– he said, “It must be so hard to have another person around your kids who you don’t know and you have no control over.” He added, “I guess you end up just having to trust your Ex and that’s gotta be hard.”

God Bless my Transitional Man — he hit the nail right on the head. Then he repeated that the Girlfriend wasn’t the kid type and volunteered some additional information I won’t repeat. It was somewhat worrisome since he described her as not kid friendly and expressed sympathy at my situation.

Hmmm.

In any event, my Transitional Man turned out to be very sensitive and thoughtful. By the way, he has no kids, never married — so this was particularly insightful. I really appreciated that.

Though he may have been exaggerating his stance for my benefit, it was clear that he was not impressed by my Ex’s choice. Again, I’m not going to repeat all the things he said, but after describing The Girlfriend as “harsh” he said,

“I don’t get it. Going from you to her is [a huge step down].” He compared us to two celebrities but in retrospect the comparison was unfair so I won’t repeat that part. But suffice it to say it was comparing someone currently popular to someone who was, at the time, considered villainous. I’ll still take it as a compliment since he had “experience” with both of us.

Just Me With . . . a Smile on My Face.

Postscript. Not only did my Ex marry the Girlfriend, but they have procreated. So much for her not being the kid type . . .

And the Transitional Man has also married and I believe has children. I mean I could check Facebook and find out, but I’m not going there.

Grocery Store Support

I forgot to feed the dogs.  Actually,  I forgot I didn’t have food for them.  My kids are now old enough where I can make a food run if one of the older kids is home and at least one of the younger ones is asleep and/or they aren’t fighting.   As I sat in my car  at the grocery store parking lot I spotted a recently reacquainted friend of mine.   Her husband died a few years ago.  She has a son.  She struggles with severe depression and like me, she  weaned herself off anti-depressants and is trying to manage it all without medication.   She looked so alone.  She left before I could say hello.  Truth is, I didn’t think I felt up to talking;  hell,  maybe she didn’t either.  It was strangely comforting to see her from a distance, though.   Once in the store I did talk to a new acquaintance who has  recently separated from her unfaithful husband.  She has three children.    We shared that we weren’t quite getting everything done and felt overwhelmed.    More importantly,  we both admitted that we are so afraid our children, especially our girls, will make the same mistakes we did — that they won’t know how they should be treated  — after all, we didn’t.    There it was, our worst fear laid out right  by the frozen foods.   I think we both teared up a bit (not uncommon for me).   It’s good when women can support each other, whenever, however.   Still,  I can’t remember her name — just one of the many things that slip my mind.   I did remember to buy the dog food, though.

 

Just Me With . . .  dog food.

Facebook Mutual Friend with the Ex’s Girlfriend? – Part One

A Chance Meeting

My ex-husband and I had been separated for a while but the divorce was not yet final. We had married young and been married for a long time. The break up was difficult and not my idea. Drama ensued. Eventually friends told me I needed to get out, go out with someone – anyone — not to find a boyfriend or husband or any real relationship, but as a first step to moving on and feeling single instead of just, well — jilted. See, The Best Advice I Never Took

On an extremely rare holiday downtown shopping trip with my sisters, I had a chance meeting with a guy while looking for a parking spot. We had asked him if we could take his spot as he was about to pull out. He was reasonably attractive and had a law school sticker on his car. So I (also a lawyer) thought, “I’m going to be forward and strike up a conversation.” I found out that he was an associate with the very same law firm I had worked for in a previous life. (This was an amazing coincidence since he is Black also and there have been very few Black attorneys employed at this firm.) He was friendly, seemed nice and let’s face it – good on paper. I asked for his card. Oh, and did I mention that he appeared to be at least 10 years younger than me?

How Stella Got Her Groove Back

It took me two whole months to get the nerve to email him. When I did, he remembered me right away. It was just the ego boost I needed. We went out. Long story short, I knew him in the Biblical sense (in hindsight, probably too quickly). I wasn’t emotionally equipped to build a relationship and didn’t know how to date. Plus, I had no time what with all those people I had made over the years (the kids). And, I was still a wreck. It was a struggle to maintain the face of normalcy for extended periods of time. I couldn’t or wouldn’t do the fun activities he suggested we do –so it kind of became a very short-lived — arrangement.

But I had met my secret goal: I had been with a man, not my husband, who had not ever known me as someone’s wife. It didn’t hurt my self-esteem either, that after five kids and a nervous breakdown, I was able to snag, albeit briefly, a younger man who would have been “a catch” for any woman. It was just what I needed at the time. So when it fizzled with him, it was okay. He’d been my — my Transitional Man.

Fast forward a couple of years. The Ex announces he has a girlfriend now (he’d had them before but this time he was bringing one around the kids). So I did what every woman with a computer and Internet access would do – I electronically stalked — I mean — researched her. First stop? – Facebook. Success. I now knew what she looked like, what her hobbies and interests were, and that she was 10 years younger than me. Seeing her picture didn’t bother me. But as I scrolled down I saw something that did bother me. We had one mutual friend. ONE MUTUAL FRIEND. Not my Ex, of course not. I’m not his friend on Facebook or anywhere else. No, our mutual friend was my Transitional Man!!! Aha! That’s why her page yielded so much information. You see, most of the Girlfriend’s entries were accessible to me because I was a “Friend of a Friend.” Hmm. But then I realized that the”Friend of the Friend” stuff works both ways. Most of my settings were already “Friends Only” (I had a stalking issue I’ll blog about later) but just to be safe I took down pictures and personal information. It wasn’t long before the Girlfriend changed her settings to “Friends Only ” — meaning she’d probably looked at my page and discovered our Mutual Friend as well.

The real issue, however, remained — One Mutual Friend. I told myself that since The Girlfriend and my Transitional Man graduated college the same year maybe they knew each other from some professional group, even though she’s not a lawyer. The voice in my head was screaming WHAT IF THE GIRLFRIEND WENT OUT WITH MY TRANSITIONAL MAN TOO? I mean, that would just be wrong on so many levels.

I tried to dismiss the thought from my consciousness. How unfair and sick would that be? My chance, movie-like meet cute with my good on paper Transitional Man—and maybe he’d been with The Girlfriend, too?– Ew. That would be way too much exchange of DNA in a small world with not nearly enough degrees of separation. In short, it was just freaking me the hell out. And this is not a small town, mind you. We live in a large metropolitan area. What the hell? Yet I could find no common ground – school, work, etc. between the Girlfriend and my Transitional Man that would administratively explain their Facebook friendship. I resigned myself to leave the question unanswered. Transitional Man and I sometimes exchanged Facebook pleasantries (I “liked” his new “in a relationship” status) but I did not think it appropriate to approach him and ask.

A few months later (and after Transitional Man’s relationship status was back to being single), I got a text out of the blue from him about some law stuff. We chatted and had the “let’s catch up” conversation. I agreed to have coffee with him. (I hadn’t seen him since our last “date”). Since Transitional Man initiated the meeting, however, I thought it now appropriate to ask him ever so casually, while sipping over-priced coffee at Starbucks, about how he knows his Facebook friend — the Girlfriend.

Just Me With a Question: So, how do you know [the Girlfriend’s name]?

Transitional Man’s Answer: Oh. Yeah, I’m not that good friends with her but I’m really good friends with her cousin.

(Wait for it . . . wait for it . . .)

And we went out a couple of years ago.

In case it is in any way unclear: My Transitional Man had indeed dated my Ex–Husband’s New Girlfriend.

Just Me With . . . A Heart Attack — (Oops there it is.)

I thought Transitional Man was going to have a heart attack too . . . See Facebook Mutual Friend Part Two

Postscript: By the way, The Ex and the New Girlfriend are married now.

Postscript: The Transitional Man is married now.

Postscript: I am single. I am quite contentedly single.

See also: Happy Birthday to My Ex-Husband’s Ex-Girlfriend

Just Me With My First Blog Post!

Well, I hope this isn’t a mistake. The first post is supposed to be the grabber, the one to establish your niche in cyberworld. Am I a dating blogger? breakup blogger? mommyblogger? a singlemommy blogger? a DIY blogger? Truth be told I haven’t written what I want to be my first official blog yet. But my page looked so . . . unfinished ( I really hate that ) so this little ditty is my first official, if not well advised, blog. Sigh. Sometimes it seems I do so many things butt backward (notice the effort not to swear on my first post?). Ha!