Tag Archives: mutual friends

Facebook Mutual Friend with the Ex’s Girlfriend — Part Two

So if you read my earlier post, “Facebook Mutual Friend With The Ex’s Girlfriend — Part One”  you know that sitting at Starbucks I found out for sure that my Transitional Man –the first man I had dated since my separation — who I’d met by a chance encounter on the street,  had also dated my Ex-Husband’s Girlfriend.

When I told him he was freaked out.  I do believe he stuttered a bit, “Wha Wha What?”  This dude is an ambitious, self-assured lawyer.  The fact that he was at a loss for words is no less than extraordinary.

“Yes,” I said, “My  husband is living with her.”

“Living with her?”   He was astonished.

“Yup.”  I was still getting used to it.

Now here’s where I tread lightly.  I don’t want to bad mouth the Girlfriend .  After all, she is not the woman my Ex left me for (that relationship didn’t work out, surprise, surprise) and though she has done some things that have overstepped for sure,  I don’t want to use this post as any kind of venting situation.   So I will condense and dilute his comments.

Actually, I didn’t ask him anything about her.   He just started talking.   It felt like he wanted to be my source of information.   First he assured me that they had not slept together.  (I find that quite hard to believe,  he buys his condoms in bulk).    Then he said something very interesting.  He said  he didn’t think she’d be very “kid friendly.”  Next, he made a most caring comment–   he said, “It must be so hard to have another person around your kids who you don’t know and you have no control over.”  He added,  “I guess you end up just having to trust your Ex and that’s gotta be hard.”   God Bless my Transitional Man — he hit it right on the head.  Then he repeated that the Girlfriend wasn’t the kid type and volunteered some additional information I won’t repeat.   It was somewhat worrisome  since he described her as not kid friendly and expressed sympathy at my situation.    Hmmm.

In any event, my Transitional Man turned out to be very sensitive and  thoughtful  (By the way, he has no kids, never married — so this was particularly insightful) .    I really appreciated that.

Though he may have been exaggerating his stance for my benefit, it was clear that he was not impressed by my Ex’s choice.   Again, I’m not going to repeat all the things he said, but this — this — was simply a gem:   After describing The Girlfriend as “harsh” he said,

“I don’t get it.   Going from  you to her is like going from

Alicia Keys . . . .

 to  . . . .

Omarosa

(You know, the villainous  reality show  contestant from The Apprentice, the one  people loved to hate).

Just Me With . . . a Smile on My Face.

Postscript.  Not only did my Ex marry the Girlfriend, but they have procreated.  So much for her not being the kid type . . .

Facebook Mutual Friend with the Ex’s Girlfriend? – Part One

A Chance Meeting

My ex-husband and I had been separated for a while but the divorce was not yet final. We had married young and been married for a long time.  The break up was difficult and not my idea.  Drama ensued.  Eventually friends told me I needed to get out, go out with someone – anyone — not to find a boyfriend or husband or any real relationship, but as a first step to moving on and feeling single instead of just, well — jilted.   See, The Best Advice I Never Took

On an extremely rare holiday downtown shopping trip with my sisters, I had a chance meeting with a guy while looking for a parking spot.  We had asked him if we could take his spot as he was about to pull out.   He was reasonably attractive and had a law school sticker on his car.  So I (also a lawyer) thought, “ I’m going to be forward  and strike up a conversation.”  I found out that he was an associate with the very same law firm I had worked for in a previous life.  (This was an amazing coincidence since he is African-American also and there have been very few attorneys of color employed at this firm.)   He was friendly, seemed nice and let’s face it – good on paper.  I asked for his card.  Oh, and did I mention that he appeared to be at least 10 years younger than me?

How Stella Got Her Groove Back

It took me two whole months to get the nerve to email him.    When I did, he remembered me right away.  It was just the ego boost I needed.  We went out.  Long story short, I knew him in the Biblical sense (in hindsight, probably too quickly) .  I wasn’t emotionally equipped to build a relationship and didn’t know how to date.  Plus, I had no time what with all those people I had made over the years (the kids).  And, I was still a wreck.  It was a struggle to maintain the face of normalcy for extended periods of time.  I couldn’t or wouldn’t do the fun activities he suggested we do –so it kind of became a very short-lived  — arrangement.

But I had met my secret goal:  I had been with a man, not my husband, who had not ever known me as someone’s wife.   It didn’t hurt my self-esteem either, that after five kids and a nervous breakdown, I was able to snag, albeit briefly, a younger man who would have been “a catch” for any woman.   It was what I needed at the time.  So when it fizzled with him, it was okay.   He’d been my —  my Transitional Man.

Fast forward a couple of years.  The Ex announces he has a girlfriend now (he’d had them before but this time he was bringing one around the kids).  So I did what every woman with a computer and internet access would do – I electronically stalked — I mean — researched her.  First stop? – Facebook.   Success.  I now knew what she looked like, what her hobbies and interests were, and that she was 10 years younger than  me.  Seeing her picture didn’t bother me.  But as I scrolled down I saw something that did bother me.  We had one mutual friend.  ONE MUTUAL FRIEND. Not my Ex, of course not.  I’m not his friend on Facebook or anywhere else.  No, our mutual friend was my Transitional Man!!!   Aha!  That’s why her page yielded so much information.   You see, most of the Girlfriend’s entries were accessible to me because I was a “Friend of a Friend.”   Hmm.   But then I realized that the”Friend of the Friend” stuff works both ways.  Most of my settings were already “Friends Only”  (I had a stalking issue I’ll blog about later) but just to be safe I took down pictures and personal information.  It wasn’t long before the Girlfriend changed her settings to “Friends Only ” — meaning she’d probably looked at my page and discovered our Mutual Friend as well.

The real issue, however, remained  — One Mutual Friend.  I told myself that since The Girlfriend  and my Transitional Man graduated college the same year maybe they knew each other from some professional group, even though she’s not a lawyer.  The voice in my head was screaming WHAT IF THE GIRLFRIEND WENT OUT WITH MY TRANSITIONAL MAN TOO?    I mean, that would just be wrong on so many levels.

I tried to dismiss the thought from my consciousness.  How unfair and sick would that be?  My chance, movie-like meeting with my good on paper Transitional Man—and maybe he’d been with The Girlfriend, too?–  Ew.  That would be way too much exchange of DNA in a small world with not nearly enough degrees of separation.  In short, it was just freaking me the hell out.  And this is not a small town, mind you.  We live in a large metropolitan area.  What the hell?   Yet I could find no common ground – school, work, etc. between the Girlfriend and my Transitional Man that would administratively explain their Facebook friendship.  I resigned myself to leave the question unanswered.  Transitional Man  and I sometimes exchanged Facebook pleasantries (I “liked” his new “in a relationship” status) but I did not think it appropriate to approach him and ask.

A few months later (and after Transitional Man’s relationship status was back to being single), I got a text out of the blue from him about some law stuff.   We chatted and had the “let’s catch up” conversation.   I agreed to have coffee with him. (I hadn’t seen him since our last “date”). Since Transitional Man initiated the meeting, however, I thought it now appropriate  to ask him ever so casually, while sipping over-priced coffee at Starbucks, about how he knows his Facebook friend —  the Girlfriend.

Just Me With a Question: So, how do you know [the Girlfriend’s name]?

Transitional Man’s Answer:  Oh.  Yeah, I’m not that good friends with her but I’m really good friends with her cousin.

(Wait for it . . . wait for it . . .)

And  [Ex-Husband’s  New Girlfriend] and I went out a couple of years ago.

In case it is in any way unclear:    My Transitional Man had dated my Ex–Husband’s New Girlfriend.

Just Me With  . . .  A Heart Attack — (Oops there it is.)

I thought Transitional Man was going to have a heart attack too  . . .  See Facebook Mutual Friend Part Two

Postscript:  By the way, The Ex and the New Girlfriend are married now.

Postscript:  The Transitional Man is married now.

Postscript:  I am single.  I am quite contentedly single.

See also:  Happy Birthday to My Ex-Husband’s Ex-Girlfriend