I’ve made a conscious decision not to attempt online dating right now, or any kind of dating. It’s not that I’m afraid of getting hurt or afraid of the crazies. It’s just that, well, I hate all the boxes I have to check that define me. It becomes an exercise in self-examination (humiliation) that is just no fun. As in “How did this happen to me!!!!!”
I’m not so good on paper online. I have been married before; it ended in divorce. Of course, that’s not uncommon, but I have a whole bunch of children (five, yes, five children) from that marriage, who live with me. My career and net worth are, at least at present, not what they had the potential to be, for many reasons, some of which are related to the fact that I was married, had a lot of children in a very short period of time, got dumped and flipped out.
I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be so good in person, either. I’ve got nothing to talk about. The course of my life and accomplishments have in no small part been influenced by my prior relationship, which, I know, is not appropriate casual dating conversation. For the last few years I have been dealing with the end of that relationship, recovery from that relationship, and depression. Again, not topics of casual coffee talk with a stranger. And talking about kids is also a dating no-no. Plus, I don’t have a list of exciting hobbies and activities I’d like to discuss and share with a potential mate, except for the music stuff which I don’t feel the need to bring a man into. And no, I don’t go to the gym, unless, of course, you count the physical therapy I’m still attending to recover from the injuries I received from the dangerous and stupid combination of starting an exercise regimen and fighting with my daughter (she won, by the way). My Aching Back. So I’m not a lot of fun in person, I fear. Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot to offer, but I don’t have the energy or inclination or time to peddle my potential to a stranger.
I realize how negative I sound. I’m depressed. I should be dating Eeyore. Now Eeyore and I, yeah, we could hang out . . . but I digress.
Eeyore
Regardless of all the reasons not to do it, I could put myself out there anyway and pretend to be a good date. But here’s part two of the problem. What (oh I’m sorry) Who would I get in response to my online profiles? I’d get guys who are attracted to what I appear to be on paper online. Well, that’s just scary. I’m a little scary. I know that. Damn, I wouldn’t even respond to my own profile. Still, when I create these profiles (and never pay), I do get poked or pinged or prodded or winked at or whatever from men –men who apparently can tolerate the boxes that I’ve checked (oh the boxes, I check too many and too few). When I see these connections, I just want to scratch my head and say, “Dude, really, you’re into this?” I mean, I can barely tolerate the boxes I check. And if he checks the same boxes? Oh what a motley crew we would make.
My checked boxes may accurately describe my situation, but they don’t define me. Really, they don’t.
Wait, do they?
Do they? !!!!! (Singing: “Excuse me, while I start to cry . . . ” Playing air guitar.)
Hendrix
Perhaps it comes down to the fact that I don’t want someone to share this current on paper online profile life with, I’d like some company in a very different life that I have yet to create, or failed to create in the past (Shut up, Eeyore). So, no, I’m not ready online or otherwise to force a dating life. I need to take care of me, manage or overcome this depression, work to get out of this financial hole my divorce left me in. Yada yada yada . . .
That is the reasoned, socially correct conclusion.
That’s not me, either.
To be continued . . .
Just Me With . . . a decision not to force a dating situation.
See, Undateable, Part II.
Just Me With . . . 
Hon, I totally understand where you’re coming from. I was there. Well, kind of still am there, but I’m getting better. And you will too!
Thanks, sweetie.
I dont see what’s wrong with deciding not to date. Sometimes we have to spend time with ourselves to figure out who we are. This idea that all single people have to constantly be on the lookout for the next “right one” is ludicrous.
Sincerely,
Not dating either and fine with it.
I’m fine with it, too, except for what I’ll talk about in part two.
Okay here the thing…
Five years ago the Bio left me preggers with no place to live. It wasn’t until a year later that I realized I had hit rock bottom and that this was where I need to do a personal assault on myself image of me and kick my own ass. It took me two years to do that. TWO YEARS!!! My point? There is no rush. There is nothing that says you have to date or when you have to start. I bounced around dating sites forever and date inappropriate men because that was my pattern.
Honestly, I remember writing a post just like this one a couple years ago…don’t date if you don’t feel it fits in the current game plan. Heal yourself physically and emotionally and whatever else needs to be healed. BUT you will find someone when the time is ready. Heck I did and if I did then anyone can.
Hugs to you!
I gotta say, these are some of the wisest words ever written about dating in the wake of post-divorce fallout: “Who would I get in response to my online profiles? I’d get guys who are attracted to what I appear to be on paper online. Well, that’s just scary. I’m a little scary. I know that. Damn, I wouldn’t even respond to my own profile.”
My own situation when I divorced was quite different from yours–but I remember about a year after the separation, underemployed, racking up credit card debt just to make monthly expenses, and with a stagnant dissertation draining what little emotional energy I had left. It all of a sudden dawned on me that I was wasting my time with deeply flawed men who were likely the only kind I would attract given the shortcomings I listed above. Not a magic formula by any means, but it’s not entirely a coincidence that I met my current husband, a terrific guy and eventually a terrific father, a few weeks after I ditched the crummy guys and started making progress on the other deficiencies in my life.
There’s nothing wrong with not dating (except for the lack of sex, which I guess is kind of a biggie).
Thanks for the kind words and for sharing your story. I find it so uplifting to hear of women meeting someone they can love after having had really hard times. Intellectually, I know there is no rush. I’ll talk about my other issues in part two. Thanks again.
I don’t know you at all — saw your blog feed on off of “Every Day I Write The Book”.
I can tell you’re a smart and empathetic person. Take your time. You are healthier than you probably feel. Sincerely.
Thank you. I hope you’re right.
[…] I’ve established that I’m not ready to date, or at least I’m not ready to make a sport or hobby out of it. UnDateable, Part I. […]
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I’d date you. Give me the word and I will purchase my ticket and get the next flight from Heathrow.
Muah!