I had an unfortunate conversation with an old friend the other night. Well, the whole conversation wasn’t unfortunate, but she said something that kind of got under my skin. She said, “Online dating? I wouldn’t do it.” She was emphatic, a bit superior. She added, “I don’t need that to meet men. I can meet men on my own.” I pointed out that she has a man, so how does she know? She responded, “Even if I didn’t have him, I still would never do it. I prefer to meet men the regular way.”
It helps to have context here. She is currently living with a man, he’s “the one.” They say they are going to get married, but since they aren’t going to have kids, for them there’s no hurry. Her man is an old college friend. She didn’t date him when we were in college. They didn’t get together until many years later, when he revealed to her he always had a thing for her. (Yeah, romantic crap, blah, blah, blah.) Prior to that she’d had long-term relationships and had gone a significant period of time with no men at all. She’s very attractive. Beautiful skin, face, smile, sculpted arms and a belly that would make women half her age jealous. She can rock a sleeveless belly shirt like no one else. Scary smart and a brilliant conversationalist. She can engage a lamp-post in witty repartee. Consequently, she can meet men, easily. And she’s damn picky about them, too.
Me? I am now single. I don’t feel like talking about my appearance, but “I clean up good.”
Also, I guess it’s relevant that she and I are old enough that when we were young enough there wasn’t really online dating, and “personals” were primarily for the freaks or desperate. Still, she was single and at times unattached during the emergence of the online thing. I wasn’t.
Actually, I was seriously put off my the tone of her comments. I mean, I’m attractive, and I mean shit — I play in a band (sometimes) for goodness sake! The fact that I would consider the online thing doesn’t make me desperate. So I told her, “I get hit on, too. It’s just that the guys that I see in my daily doings aren’t the guys for me.” See Landscaper series I, II and III and the Fake Boyfriend story. She didn’t get it. Whatever.
Online dating is not for the desperate or freaks, but I guess some people will never understand that — because they don’t have to. They don’t have to because they are in a relationship, not because they are pretty enough to meet men “the regular way.” And I’m not even doing online dating now, having decided not to (for now) for specific personal reasons (blog post coming), but not because I think online dating is for the unfortunates. And there are plenty, plenty of dating disasters that did not begin with an online profile.
Her comments bothered me, though. Was I being overly sensitive? Was it Just Me With a little paranoia?
Hell, I might create yet another dating profile now . . . just, well just . . . because . . . humph.
Just Me With . . . a bit of an attitude.
Just Me With . . . 
I think you are entitled to feel peeved by hottie-gf’s ‘tude though I can’t possibly see myself “doing” online dating either for a number of reasons. (I can’t really see myself dating although there was that fabulously handsome guy in the coffee shop yesterday who flirtatiously introduced himself… He’s probably on par with your landscaper-dude once we pass the niceties.) The thing about online dating that bugs me is the market approach. I just don’t think one should look for romantic prospects in the same way one fills a job opening or buys a house or a (used, er… pre-owned) car. There has to be a better way…
I think you should be a bit. Online dating beats trying to meet a man in a bar any day of the week. I like it but that’s easy for me to say. I see how often it works out as I work in the industry. I have meet great people online in many ways. Dating Sites, Twitter, and facebook just to name a few. Ahh well easy for her to say that. pfft@her any how!!! Do what makes you happy and do NOT worry about her opinion. 😉
No, you were not being paranoid. She is insulting you and all the people who are intelligent, reasonable, and online meeting men. Okay, so there are some untelligent, unreasonable people dating online.
I would not have done it because my friend, also a teacher, slept with every man she talked to once that would allow her to drive 600 miles for a meeting. She is nuts, anyway, but this slimy stuff was not for me.
Then, another teacher friend whose mother is a PhD and works in Board of Edcation married a guy she met online. I could not get to Match.com fast enough. The first guy I met was a doll, just my type–educated, erudite sense of humor, confident, but not smart-ass, tolerant of my sassiness, liked my sassiness…lol. I found all that out over the internet. He did not disappoint in person.
When I say “date,” I am old enough to not mean a sexual liason, a hookup. I mean that I go out on dates. Online it’s either feast or famine. I had four dates in one week with three different men. No, did not sleep with either. As long as I am not in a committed relationship, I have the right to go on a date. Two of the men were first time dates….well, one asked me out again. The other guy was a guy I had dated earlier and we just had lunch.
I like the marketing approach. I do want to know if a guy is at least as tall as I. Can he actually write a complete sentence? In what industry does he work? I probably will not be interested in a long haul trucker or someone who works on a garbage truck. If he has not finished high school, he will always feel inferior to me. Plus, it would be hard to have a deep conversation.
What are his favorite things to do? …snuggling, cuddling, dinning [sic] out, fishing, ridding [sic] my bike, kissing, walking on a beach at sunset, cuddling on the beach, going to the mountains, traveling all over the US…snicker…sure, going to casinos, going to bars, pda, dressing up in a tux or wearing jeans, Nascar, football,
What is his screen name?…Bubba, Footballallthetime, Bubba8, Harleyjohn, bubbaharley, coondogbubba, Lover69, Godandmylady, RollTide, Longjohnson, MrSmoothie, Waitforyoudarling, Justlikeme, Mrright, Kissmebaby, Lonesomebubba, LonesomeinDixie, Justacountryboy, Lookingforlove, Meetperfection, Letmeshootyouinthewoods…get the idea?
If a profile is full of cliches, forget it. If he cannot spell “dining” and continues with the same type mistakes, I am just not interested. If he is vulgar in his title, has football, Harley, or Bubba in his title, no way.
Where could you find those things about a perfectly normal looking man except online.
Women are divorced from the presence of testosterone and hope when they read online profiles. You really get to see things in a man that are irritating. Gee, I have written a whole blog post.
No, I am not afraid because I have good judgment, plus I take their driver’s license number and car type and email it to a friend or send it to voice mail, telling her where we are, and where I met him online. Guys know I do this. One said, “You are serious, aren’t you?” I told him he might kill me, but he would be caught…lol. Then, when I am home safe, I email my friend that I am locked in the house.
Your friend may be drop dead gorgeous, but she is thinking online dating is the realm of the desperate. I just never met anyone at work or in a small town.
Attitude is good. Keep it.
yea there’s actually a new site that makes it less “desperate” to join. most other sites you have to pay – which makes you feel desperate.
The free ones are good but then there’s like no quality standard.
This one I came across actually rewards you for going on casual dates. I wonder if your friend would go on a site like this one where she’s the prize. Would that change her perception?
Actually would be an interesting blog topic – would you go on more dates if you got rewarded with giftcards?
oh yea, the site called http://www.giftcarddates.com – curious what your thoughts are.
Thank you! No online dating is NOT for the desperate. When we get into the phase of life where we don’t have natural community connections it gets damned near impossible to meet datable people, especially as single parents who are wrapping our schedules around kids. I knew the man for me was out there somewhere doing the same thing, making it highly unlikely that our paths would ever cross.
I tried several different dating sites. I met some seriously creepy, lying, men on the free sites. They lied about stupid things, like their height. Cuz, you know, even though I THINK I’ve known myself to be 5’10” ever since I was 16 years old… I MUST be mistaken. That usnt REALLY the top of his head because he is over 6′ tall. Yah. Mkay.
But the ones that really pissed me off lied about that trivial truth that they were MARRIED. Not just on paper, but actually sharing a bed, a mortgage and children, married! I will eventually write a book about those dates from hell so that I can at least make some money from my suffering.
I met some really nice guys on Eharmony who just weren’t for me, and a mixed bag on Match.com. I went on haitus from it for a while and decided to go back two years ago because between parenting a teenager and working, the only men I would meet in natural context were clients. (I’m a therapist, so… No.) I don’t keep “normal people” hours so I’m not available when most other adults are. I was trying to decide between Eharmony and Match when I got notice of a message on E. If you aren’t a full member, you can’t see who it’s from. I was curious, but unsure. Then I got another message from the same user. Ok, ok, OK already!! I rejoined just to see who this persistent man was.
It was this guy who didn’t have the patience for the whole guided communication thing, but somehow he seemed sweet and not crazy so I agreed to call him at a specified day and time. I didn’t want to. I didn’t feel like it. I was still ambivalent about being “back in the swim.” I called when I said I would, but I called to tell him I wasn’t up for talking. He did something silly but sweet and cute on hello and I was hooked! Instantly hooked.
Short version? He’s just right for me. I’m just right for him. We’re living together and engaged, learning how to have an adult to adult relationship together, learning how to have healthy conflicts and blending our families while avoiding misdemeanors and felonies. (Just keeping it real. What we have is very, very good, and, it takes a lot of work to do it well.) I love this man like I’ve loved no other and we are fully committed to creating a successful relationship and life together.
How “desperate” is that?
Justmewith, you are an amazing catch. I’m guessing you don’t feel that way sometimes, but look at the evidence: sharp as a tack smart, witty, persevering, principled, creative, caring, dedicated, and talented. I’m willing bet you more than “clean up well.” Somewhere out there there is at LEAST one just right for you man who is trying to figure out who and where you are. May you find each other by whatever means, SOON! You deserve to be loved and cherished and to have a partner who will share life’s load with you with fidelity, laughter, love and grace.
Wow! What a great story! I’m so happy for you. And you should write that book. And thank you so much for the words of encouragement, I needed to hear that.
I’m glad for your success online dating. I haven’t had success with it. Far too many knuckleheads online trolling for sex. My experience has been guys sending me genital pictures after we talked a few weeks before they met me in person. I don’t have the patience to go through all the frogs before I find the halfway decent prince.
To me, online dating is like playing the lottery. The odds are small that you will actually meet someone worthwhile and while it does happen, you have to put so much time and effort going through the online trolls to maybe perhaps get to a possible prize.
Just no patience for all of that.