I Was “The Nanny” When my Ex-Husband Got Married

My Ex-Husband remarried recently.   We had been married many, many years, had  five children together, a prolonged separation, and the nasty divorce was final only a few months ago.  The announcement of the pending nuptials was made to the children and then to me just last month.  Then things seemed to take on a life of their own.  And someway, somehow, I was  relegated to the Nanny in this whole wedding scenario, a Nanny who is not treated very well, unpaid, and forced to work and/or be on-call on  her days off.

—  Have the children ready and send them out  no later than  x o’clock am  on Friday  because they have hair and nails  appointments at y.

—  So and so will pick the children up  in time to get to wedding  [unnamed location] by x time, they will be brought back around y time by different so and so’s.

—  They’ll be brought home  “sometime in the  evening” because it is an evening wedding [no time provided]

—  Make sure they don’t mess up their hair and nails before the wedding

— Make sure they don’t mess up their hair and nails before the wedding, and again

–Make sure they don’t mess up their hair and nails before the wedding.

In the weeks preceding the above I was hit with:

We want to take x child shopping for  wedding clothes on x date (even though it was not during the visitation times),

We didn’t find anything so we’ll be back tomorrow  to take the child out again (even though it was not during visitation times), he said you don’t have any plans.

Well, well, well.

I had decided that since it is their father’s wedding, the children should of course be allowed to attend  (even though the wedding did not fall on a “Daddy” day).    Accordingly,   I would be flexible and allow some inconveniences.  Because, how often is he going to get married?

( Seriously, I’m taking wagers). 

However, that said, and although it is true that I no longer love him, and I have no jealous or romantic feelings about his getting married, etc.,  it turns out that my being an indirect participant in the wedding festivities by providing my assistance with the children and scheduling was a little too much to take.

The day before the wedding was grooming day.  I had to have the kids up and out at a very early hour for Summer.  I had no idea what time they would return.  On the wedding day itself, though the children were not going to dress for the wedding at home, they still had to be showered and ready to go by a certain time.   This responsibility fell on me  . . . and it pissed me off.  The children did not rush to get ready.   I had to ride them about it.

“C’mon, get up, start your showers.”

“You cannot be late, please get in the shower.”

“You cannot wait until the last minute, PLEASE, get ready.”


Then they were picked up by the Ex’s  relatives, at least one of whom has  disrespected me in ways she doesn’t even know I know about and in other ways she does.    This  person was sent to my house to fetch my children.  She’s never been to my home before and under any other circumstances would not be welcome.

I was never actually given a location for the wedding and had to specifically ask for the  time of the wedding and a time frame in which I would expect the children home.   Not an unreasonable request, one that shouldn’t have had to have been made.  I mean I did need to make sure I was home or near home when the kids got there.

I was to have the children ready for the Captain and the Baroness’ party and put them to bed afterward.

That night, though some of the children have phones, I was texted by the Ex himself to tell me the children were on their way home (no time frame provided, and still since I was not given the location of the wedding, their being on their way home didn’t mean much).  When I didn’t respond to my Ex’s text in a timely manner I got a subsequent text asking me to  confirm my receipt of his original text.  Upon confirmation, I received a “Thank you.”    I guess that meant his responsibility for the children was now over.   The Nanny (that would be me) was going to be home, the evil half sisters (actually only one of them is evil)  could drop them off and leave.

Well, well, well.

And as the children came in,  dropped their bags of clothes, shoe boxes, flowers all over the  house, it was up to me to make them clean up after themselves or do it for them.   And when one of  my children presented me with a box of leftover boutonniere roses, it was up to me to respond with the appropriate thank you.  (Ugh)  Adding insult to injury,  another child asked me why I didn’t come.   I responded, a bit too matter of factly, “To my Ex-Husband’s Wedding?” And another, older child, added simply, “It’s self-explanatory.”  I’m sure I was so much more useful to them in the capacity to which I was  assigned anyway.  The children were exhausted, they left half of their mess strewn around our little house and they went off to bed.

It was so nice for the bride and groom that  the nanny could repeatedly present the children on a timely basis to be made up so beautifully for the wedding day and that the nanny could stand by and be available to receive the children  when their appearance for and celebration of  the happy occasion was over.

Well, well, well.

As it turned out, it didn’t feel so nice for me. I am human.

This is what led to my not having such a good day on the day after the wedding.  No I didn’t feel like having a big blow out party or night out on the town on his wedding day, but I unwittingly facilitated everyone else having a grand old time while I rushed around and then waited around.  This, after the tears, complaints, uncomfortable silences and tantrums from the kids  in the six weeks from announcement of the wedding to the wedding itself.   All things I had to deal with.

In the end, though,  the kids were fine.  But the whole ordeal was taxing on me, from worrying about them generally ,and dealing with their initial ambivalence and despair “I don’t want to go to the wedding at all,”  cried one child,   to changes in schedules, and  being ordered about without common courtesy.  and having to literally clean up after the affair.

It shouldn’t have been like this.    Damn.   My Ex and his Bride  have not proven to be the most sensitive people (this is the man who sent his kids home to tell me he was getting married ON MOTHER’S DAY).  So I don’t expect much, but damn.

Hindsight.  Should I have said that he must take the children for the whole weekend?   Perhaps.   But he never has them for the whole weekend and it was not even his weekend.  Who would have taken care of them while the bride and groom honeymooned or were consummating  their marriage or when they simply weren’t needed?  The evil half-sister?    Some other random relative the kids don’t know (but I do) ?  I was convinced that if I’d said, “Well you take the kids for the whole thing” it would have been harder on the kids.   Maybe I was wrong.    And had we switched weekends and days around, which is not our norm, it would have interfered with some activities the kids and I already have planned for later in the Summer.

All in all, at the time I was concerned about trying to keep the whole thing as drama-free as possible and keeping the children from being dragged around any more than necessary.  Plus, I didn’t want to force  technicalities  just to  flex my muscles or to purposefully, spitefully inconvenience the bride and groom.  I didn’t want to play the “you don’t have a right to take the kids” card — it just would have made everything nasty.

Perhaps, however,  I should have been more concerned about myself.   Well, lesson learned.

The next time he gets married . . . things will be different.  Ha!

Consequently,  I have been in a complete funk ever since  the wedding.  I provided assistance and patience and in return, I was a recipient of their rudeness.   I know I allowed it, but it still pisses me off.   Note to self:  develop more backbone (despite years of being accommodating to him).   See My High School Self.

I  feel like I should get something for my trouble, my stress, my time, my child counseling — all the things I suffered as a result of the Ex’s decision to remarry in a hurry.

No, I don’t want a “Thank you.”


I’ll take a check.

Wait, no I won’t.   Cold, hard, cash.     It’s the least they could do. 

Just Me With . . .  nothing to show for any of this crap, but leftover dying wedding flower boutonnieres in a sugar jar.

19 responses

  1. I don’t know why I’m ever surprised when I hear stuff like this..but damn! How effing RUDE.

    I do commend you for being the “bigger” person and allowing your kids the opportunity to be a part of the wedding without any drama. I know my time is coming up for that soon. Im sure I will be treated the same and be just as pissed as you.
    Hugs to you xoxo

    1. Thanks. I tried to do what I thought was best. I didn’t count on it leaving me feeling so . . . bleh. Oh well. Whatever. bleh. Thanks for your supportive comment, though. It helps. I hope when the time comes for you, you have a better experience.

  2. rukhshiixoxo89 | Reply

    I hope everything works out for you

  3. When you ex remarries and your cooperation with the kids is expected …just a tough couple of days all around. You deserve to vent. UGH! BIG hug!

  4. This sucks. Sounds like your ex was really only thinking about himself, which on the one hand is understandable – it *is* his wedding day, but it doesn’t mean that he gets to be a total insensitive jerk about it.

    Sorry you’re still feeling off. You’ll get your groove back soon and be even more fabulous than ever! *hugs*

    1. Thanks. I’m feeling better.

  5. […] Well, I made it until it was an acceptable time  to leave.  I walked out with another couple.   Liz  gave me a centerpiece to take home.  Beautiful flowers, but hard to carry home —   ALONE.   Damn thing fell over as I drove, I had no one to hold it for me or drive while I held it.  Another pang of loneliness hit me.   It was pretty. I like flowers,  but I didn’t need a souvenir from a wedding.  No. (You might recall that my kids brought me back leftover flowers from my ex-husband’s wedding.  See The Nanny.) […]

  6. […] when my now ex-husband got married again, I was just The Nanny. Share this:TwitterEmailLike this:LikeBe the first to like […]

  7. […] Postscript:  I Was The Nanny When My Ex-Husband Got Married […]

  8. […] I Was The Nanny When My Ex-Husband Got Married. […]

  9. […] also, I Was The Nanny When My Ex-Husband Got Married  and My Very Own Personal Olympic […]

  10. I think I would have not been able to rise above it as much as you and would have definitely included some things along the line of ” well even though it’s not your parenting time, in the best interests of the children I’m going to be cooperative though really considering the time necessary in planning a wedding one could have planned it on your parenting time instead of mine but I’m not surprised by the inconsiderateness of you or the woman who would sleep with another woman’s husband

    1. Ha! Well said. My Ex-husband and his bride gave themselves only six weeks to plan their wedding. Obviously I wasn’t consulted, but I was certainly inconvenienced. Sigh. I do have to say,though, that his bride was not the one who he was sleeping with when he left me. That’s another women entirely. See Happy Birthday to My Ex-Husband’s Ex-Girlfriend, http://wp.me/p1sXPw-Wb

  11. Years after you post, I read this (linked over from an article about kitchens). We don’t know each other, so this can’t be very meaningful, but for what it’s worth: you are a great mom. I just want to bear witness to it. To tell you that I see it – your greatness at putting the kids first. It’s unfair that you were the only great parent your kids had on this day – it might have felt a little more just if you responded to the rudeness with rudeness, except then what would your kids have been left with? You did the right thing. He didn’t. He should have risen to your level of kindness and integrity and he didn’t, but at least your kids had one parent operating on that higher plane. You had a backbone – you had a backbone for those precious kids when your ex’s back broke under the pressure to look out for himself, when the new step-mom couldn’t handle the pressure of being considerate of of you. You are the strong one – the victorious one in this story. I’m sorry we don’t live in a world that will reward you for it. All that and the best I can offer is an internet stranger’s respect. Well done. Very. Well. Done.

    1. Thank you so, so much. Internet strangers are who have kept me going. Your words mean so much, and the fact that you took the time to share them with me warms my heart. I thank you.

  12. Good job standing up for the kids. Love, a fellow divorced Mom. My theory is we put up with the crap for the kids’s sake for one Ex’s wedding.

  13. You’re a good person. Stay that way. It’s easier to be nasty in a situation like this and you did the difficult. I see it’s been years since this article. I’m curious to know how everything turned out with you. Take care.

    1. Thank you! Yes, I may do some updates.

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