I Don’t Love Him

Phoebe and Rachel on Friends

Picture two women talking:

Friend 1: “It must be hard, because I’m sure in some small way, some part of you will always love him.”

Friend 2: “Of course, he’s a part of me, and part of me will always love him.”


Friend 1: “It must be hard, because I’m sure in some small way, some part of you will always love him.”

Friend 2: “No, I don’t love him anymore.” She pauses, thinking, considering, furrowing the brow, squinting her eyes and rolling eyes upward — to the left, to the right — for answers possibly hidden there, and then, with renewed authority states, “Yup, I’m sure. I don’t love him at all, not one little bit. But I would LOVE another cup of coffee, though.”

Can this be true? This is so NOT Lifetime Movie, women’s magazines, or romance novels. We’re supposed to look into his eyes, brush back his hair and softly declare, “I will always love you.” And then walk away, carrying that love with us, forever.

Uh, no.

I once got into this debate with my Stalker about whether once you love someone, you always will. No surprise where he came out on the subject. He could never let go of anything, including my phone number . . . but I digress . . . The Stalker truly believed that once you love, you love for life. Kinda like herpes. Sure the love may change or diminish and you can fall in love with someone else but the original love remains, according to The Stalker. He was adamant about this. He told me I will always love my Ex-husband.

I didn’t slap him, but I wanted to.

Sure, I believe that the love stays for some people in some instances. There are some loves that people carry with them for life, long after the relationship is over. But I do not believe that it is a hard and fast rule — or a “Love Sentence” — if you will. heh heh heh

Whitney’s “I Will Always Love You” Powerful, just not always true.

“I will always love him.We didn’t work out, we won’t work out, we can’t even be friends, but . . . I will always love him.”


Sounds like when a random person dies and people automatically say, whether they knew the dude or not, “He’s in a better place.” Depending on your beliefs, he may be in “a better place.” But, if you believe in the better place there have to be some jokers who simply don’t make the cut and go to — the other place. Assuming and stating that random dude is in “a better place” might take the edge off the finality of death, but it ain’t always true. Similarly, saying you’ll always love someone might take the edge off of the death of a relationship, a failed romance, but it ain’t always true.

Then there’s the — Once you’ve had a child with someone you’ll always love him/her. Again, no. Not all the time. You had sex which created a life, not necessary a life-long love for each other. People may love and cherish the memories, the good times, and have lingering, hell even deep, respect for the person you made babies with — but required life-long love? Uh, no. Not in my case. Not for many. And you know what? It’s okay. People we love are not like cars or apartments or pets. I can say I really loved my first dog and I always will. But romantic love for people is far more complex, and fluid.

I loved — intensely. I married, I procreated. A lot of stuff happened, and now I can say, resolutely, “I don’t love him anymore.” And he had better not have any loving feelings for me. That would cheapen the meaning of love. I had what could be described as an epic romance just by the sheer length of it, but now? It’s over. If I didn’t share children with him I would happily never see him again. If he died suddenly I would grieve for the children having to deal with the death of their father — or as I would for anyone taken seemingly too soon, but that’s not love.

Because I don’t love him. And that’s okay. In fact that’s better.

I’m sure many of you have had someone in your life whom you feel you will always love a little bit — or even a lot. I happen not to feel that way about my ex-husband. It didn’t happen immediately. But it happened.

Still, the years spent together, the children born, the tears cried, the laughter shared, the good memories made — are all unaffected by the declaration that —

“I don’t love him, not even one little bit.”

Is there anyone else out there who is not afraid to step up to the Altar of Ended Relationships and confess:

I don’t love him/her anymore!


Just Me With . . . a call NOT to love.

Related: Why Did You Get Divorced? — The Dreaded Question

25 responses

  1. rukhshiixoxo89 | Reply

    Hey, great blog.
    I guess you could help me with this, check out my blog and let me know what you can. Thanks a lot


    1. So true. Honesty and evretyhing recognized.

  2. Leafy_seadragon | Reply

    I’m with you on this one. A very very long time ago I was with someone that I loved utterly. I still think about him now and I’m sure if I saw him again I would find that I still love him. But my ex-husband? No. I care about him, I wish him well even with all of the arguing, sniping, backstabbing and hurt. I care that he is happier now, settled, positive and over his problems. But it is simply caring, not love. And it is really because it benefits our children.
    I can’t even say it’s a sisterly type of love that i feel and now I’m thinking about it I’m wondering if I am being cold in feeling like this? I was married to this man for 11 years, I had three children by him. Lived in three different countries in that time and went through Iraq 2003, pregnant with my youngest child. He and I have been through so much. But I don’t think it was together. I think now the dust is settling, the divorce and finances are dealt with, the majority of the negative feelings have gone. But reading this has made me realise that there aren’t really any feelings left at all. I guess that means I’ve got closure at last?

    1. Closure is good. Yes, I think there is a real difference between memories and lingering love. It’s not being cold to have stopped loving someone. It is what it is.

  3. I have great loves in my past that somehow simply didn’t work out…. my ex-wife? I never even think of her…not sure why I loved her in the first place… time is a great friend and healer…

    My great loves were all very intimate…very outspoken about how they loved the love I provided to them… do I miss them? yes… do i love them? yes… dammit…


    1. I get it. So yes, some loves stay, some do not. And that’s okay. (My stalker was/is wrong — and crazy)

  4. First of all > “Kinda like Herpes.” < BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    Okay, I'm with you. I don't love my ex. Not one little bit. I don't love him because he's the father of my children. I don't love him because I miss something we hadn't had for years anyway. I, like you, could happily never see him again if it weren't for our boys. C'est la vie. That was him.

    There were others before him. Greater loves. There are days I think I do still love them. I definitely miss them. Perhaps no… I love the memory of them. Yes, that's it.

  5. I am SO with you! I don’t love my ex. I don’t hate my ex. My apathy toward him resonates in amplification through the silence.

    1. Well said. Well said. I’m in a kind of recovery from years of crap but the love is gone and so is the heartbreak.

  6. I don’t think you will continue to love someone after the relationship is over. I will always have fond memories of (most of) my time with my ex; he will always be connected to me through our children, but I don’t love him anymore. That part of my life (and my emotions) is over. That said, I don’t hate him, either….he’s simply someone that I have to deal with because of the children. If it weren’t for our girls, he wouldn’t be a part of my life at all…

    1. That’s what people are saying. I have just been around some crazies in my time who profess never ending love for people who treated them badly and are out of their lives. Those folks may still have that love but they shouldn’t put that on the rest of us. You don’t HAVE to keep loving someone. I have to learn to tolerate a group of people who will always think that I will always love my Ex no matter what. That’s their imagination, not my reality.

  7. I had entered the “not loving” phase before I said I wanted a divorce. There was not one cell in my body that cared one bit about him. No, I don’t love him and did not for a year before we divorced. I did not like him for years before I got the divorce, and dislike him more intensely now, years later for the damage he has inflicted on our children.

    1. I hear ya. Boy do I understand.

  8. Once I let myself recognize his lies for what they were, I didn’t love my Ex anymore. And as with Parsimony above, this was before I left him. in the intervening weeks, he became my enemy. He was my captor, my arch nemesis. And the only way I could get out was to stay silent and obey until the opportune moment arose.
    I stopped loving him the moment I realized that he’d been controlling me with what he dazzled me into believing was love. And when I realized the circumstances and I began to feel like the last survivor in a zombie thriller, I began hating him.
    When I loved him, I loved a facade. I loved a man who didn’t exist. When he let the mask drop and I saw him as he truly was, any soft feelings for him were lost. For me, it was about survival.

    1. Damn girl. Damn. I’m just seeing mine for what he is, was, and will be. I’m out, but I need to work on a strategy to deal with him going forward. He won’t make it easy. But I’ll try so hard not to make it easy for him to resume his manipulation in a different way. I feel like a prisoner of war, or a prisoner who had been in solitary confinement for years who was left for dead, wakes up in a strange country not speaking the language . . . anyway, you get my drift. I’m just now opening my eyes.

  9. […] that said, and although it is true that I no longer love him, and I have no jealous or romantic feelings about his getting married, etc.,  it turns out that my […]

  10. Amen. I care for the former husband in a manner of “he’s here for J and that makes me happy for her”….otherwise I wouldn’t care to have any contact what so ever. I had definitely fallen out of love long before he even realized I had caught on to his BS.

  11. I’m not quite here, but damn, I wish I was. I love the perspective – thanks for sharing it on my blog.

    1. Thanks. I’m not over the situation that the failed relationship left me in. I’m still struggling with that, but I don’t love him. Plus, I don’t have to anymore. Keep writing, I look forward to hearing how you cope with the wedding and such.

  12. […] No, my lack of love for you cannot be explained by alleging  that I  have  lingering feelings for my Ex-Husband.  I don’t love him either. […]

  13. […] And for how I feel about him now?  I Don’t Love Him. […]

  14. Still Scared ( but getting angry) | Reply

    yup, don’t love him anymore. Don’t care about him. Wish he would go AWAY and stop trying to play games with my kids’ emotions. Yeah, no, cannot still love my abuser. I know some can but not me, when I woke up and realized all that he had done and continues to do, like stalk me on line…( most recent) nope! Not there!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: