Many moons ago I worked at a high-powered law office. Long hours, doing anything and everything for the client, emphasis on family or work-life balance was actively discouraged, there were glass ceilings, glass doors, and glass elevators, along with supervising attorneys or opposing counsel who were equal opportunity assholes. Sometimes it seemed as though people took great pleasure in making junior associates’ work life miserable, and making sure they had no other life. The money was good, though, so I can’t really complain. Plus, I learned a lot.
I’ve left that particular practice behind, but now I’m dealing with teens. Demanding, self-focused, pompous, teens. I’m outnumbered. Most of them weigh more than I do. Some are taller than I am. At times they behave as if I couldn’t possibly offer anything of value while simultaneously requesting everything I have to give them. Recently it occurred to me that some of the tricks of the trade I learned in my high-powered white shoe law practice can be transferred to how I deal with these large, smelly, mouthy people I grew in my womb and propelled from my hoo-ha (except for the ones that were surgically removed).
Sometimes, it seems, these once cute and cuddly balls of smiles and coos are quite simply, the enemy, trying to break me down.
But Mommy, Esquire, is used to dealing with the enemy, the big boys, the man. These children don’t scare me. I have life and legal experience behind me. Here are a few tricks of the trade I learned from my law practice that I use on my children.
1. Stand up.
When dealing with a difficult opposing counsel, client, or supervising attorney, it helps to stand up, even when on the phone. It’s a power stance and works even if your opposition is taller than you are.
Once a senior partner stormed into my office to yell at me about an expense form. This partner had a reputation of screaming at young associates for ridiculous things in order to break them down, hoping to draw tears. He usually got them. I was just waiting my turn, but I have a strict policy against crying at work. It is one of my few rules. Do NOT cry at work . . . but I digress. Remember “How I Met Your Mother” the Chain of Screaming episode? When being yelled at is just part of the job? Well, that stuff happens. But when my number came up I was busy. I didn’t have time for his crap. So when he found me in my office sitting behind my desk and started to ream me out . . .
I stood up.
He was not expecting this physical display of strength from a first year, female associate. He actually sputtered like a truck with an empty gas tank going up a hill. (I admit I was slightly taller than he, but still . . . ) I listened to his rapidly dying rant, and while still standing I calmly explained why I had submitted the perfectly valid expense form, and he left — quietly. He never yelled at me again.
It was a beautiful thing. A beautiful thing.
I’ve tried the standing thing with my teens as well. It works. My son is seven inches taller than me, which I expected to happen. But I have a daughter who is model tall — she’s got four inches on me, and I’m not short. Still, when any of them come at me with ridiculousness, I stand up. It unnerves them.
I will not have them standing over me. I will not.
2. Create a Paper Trail.
No matter what was said, what was agreed upon, whose “word” was given, or whether there was a handshake, it doesn’t count unless it has been memorialized in writing. Opposing lawyers can amicably agree on the smallest or the largest of issues, but they always follow it up with a letter, “Thank you for meeting with me today. The purpose of this letter is to confirm your agreement to produce ABC documents to be by X date.” Is it repetitious? Sure. But it’s better to have it in writing if there is a sudden memory loss down the line.
Works the same with kids. It could be something simple like telling them what you expect, but also writing on a whiteboard an instruction, like, “Empty the Dishwasher.” Or it could be a matter of more importance like, “Curfew is at 11pm.”
Or an issue of public policy like, “I will not bail you out of jail or raise your child.”
Equally effective is to request something in writing from the kid. Then later, when the child inevitably forgets what he or she said, you can whip out the document and gently “refresh his or her recollection” of what actually transpired.
Me: You’re late.
Kid: You never said . . .
Me: Yes, yes, I did. I told you. Then I texted you, and you responded.
(Slowly pull out smart phone, begin to scroll. Pause for effect.)
Kid: . . .
Mom: Shall I print it?
3. Some conversations should be had “behind closed doors.”
As an associate, nothing caused more fear than to be summoned into a partner’s office and told to “close the door.” The partners knew what they were doing. They were creating a power balance, or, more accurately, they were reminding the associate that he or she is not in a position of power. And the associate? A sitting duck.
So, as a parent, I find it effective to summon a teen into a room, tell him or her to close the door, and invite him or her to sit down. (And if you can pull off Denzel’s facial expression above, you’ve got it made.) Pause, always pause before you begin to speak. (I learned from depositions that the pauses are not reflected on the record, but they make people uncomfortable and the witness will have a tendency to fill the silence with golden nuggets of information.) The teen might start to explain something you didn’t even ask about, at the very least he or she will listen to what you have to say, and may be thankful that he or she made it out alive. Bonus, if you have more than one kid, the others will become deeply concerned that they will be next, and may be more likely to evaluate their recent behavior and/or any (written) lists of things to do.
In conclusion, end the meeting with, “Let’s keep this between us.”
Just Me With . . . lessons from a law firm.
I’m printing this and committing it to memory. I am currently dealing with two teenagers who have an absentee father, so I am 100% bad guy, 100% of the time. And even if I wasn’t, every single word that comes out of my mouth these days seems to be met with an exhausted sigh or eyeroll (or both), and I find myself more often than not being “that mother” who’s always yelling at her kids.
Oh, I hear ya. It’s especially tough when there’s not another adult in the house who will agree with what we’ve said or who doesn’t treat us like we are the village idiot. That’s what I struggle with with my kids. I know I’m being reasonable — even accommodating — but the kids don’t have a reality check by seeing my wisdom appreciated by another person. So, a simple request like — “start your laundry now so it’s done before you need to go” is met with “What? Why?” And then I become that Mom who says, “Because I said so!” Do you watch Grey’s Anatomy? Well, whoever writes it often has the characters say, “You don’t get to tell me blah blah blah” and I’ve found that effective with my teens. “You don’t get to talk to me like that.” “You don’t get to tell me what to do.” Also, I’ve found it effective to ask them to repeat something, a lawyer trick as well. I say, “I’m sorry, WHAT did you say?”
Thanks so much for the comment. Feel free to share what works with you (or doesn’t).
Thank you for posting this. As a young associate, who works from home, I often find myself feeling like a teenager getting scolded when my Managing Partner calls about something I did wrong or he MAGICALLY failed to explain. I will stand up whenever he calls and hopefully I won’t result into the “nodding head doll” like I also do leaving me to feel like crap and think of all the witty stuff I should have said. Thank you.
You are welcome. Standing up really helped me.
that is total genius. Do you think it works with five-year-olds too?!
I’m not sure anything works on five year olds. Ha! But I recall doing the opposite when they were little — instead of standing, getting down to their level and singing instructions or rules rather than writing it down. They can’t help but sing it back. Jingle parenting.
Long silences work too.
[Big Boss Man] :: Blah BLAH BLAH blah… bleh-bleh-bleh… blah blah BLAH!
[Wee Girlie Employee, looking at Boss Man straight in the eyes] :: ~~~ silence ~~~~
[Wait of about 12-15 seconds]
[Big Boss Man wriggles uncomfortably]
[Wee Girlie Employee, still looking at Boss Man straight in the eyes] :: Blah… blah… blah. [Resopnse delivered in a quiet voice]
The first time I tried it I overheard Big Boss Man remark to another Big Boss Man, ‘She’s got nerves of steel, that one.’ They never tried that on me again.
I LOVE that! Silence is powerful. I had a co-worker once in a similar situation. Big Boss Man was yelling — spittle everywhere. She waited and quietly said, “Are you alright?” He stopped.
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