Category Archives: Humorous, or at least not-so-serious

Getting my Cardio on

Male doctor sitting with female patient by window, side view

I once had a music teacher, a professional concert musician, who told me that her doctor was concerned that she didn’t work out, that he thought she needed some kind of physical, aerobic, activity.  Her response was, “Have you seen me play?”

He hadn’t.

“You should. You should see me perform.”

1-pianist

Olga Kern

He did, and promptly retracted his statement that she was not active enough. After seeing the fervor with which she played the most complicated, extended, and beautiful music, witnessing the amount of control she exhibited to transition from flashy virtuosity causing her to angrily rise from her bench, to quiet, sweetly melodic passages Continue reading →

The Landscaper Guy, Again, Part V

Groundhog Day 1

“What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered?” Phil, Ground Hog Day

Deja vu. I have written about this guy  four times before.  Four times. And I admit that to begin this post I copied and pasted part of my last writings about him, because he just keeps coming back and it’s all the same damn thing, over and over again . . .

I ran into him again.  But wait, please peruse the following to you can get the full picture. This has been going on for . . . years!   YEARS!

1.  The Landscaper  Guy — Not Digging Him  — I meet a man.

2.  The Landscaper Guy and the Female Chandler Bing — I give him a shot.  (I shouldn’t have.)

3.  The Landscaper Guy and A Phone Smarter Than Me — I shoot him down, and miss. I have to take better aim and shoot again.

4.  The Landscaper Guy, Freaking Part IV — I shoot him down, again.  He expresses concern about my single status.

Are we all caught up? If not, that’s okay because it’s always the same.

Fast forward to now.  It was very hot, and you know how they say to check in on older people in hot weather?  Well I had to get my Mom out of her sweltering house, so we went for ice cream  at an outdoor place.  As  I was looking at flavors, a man looked at me.

I smiled, because that’s what I do.

He said, “You look familiar.”

Groundhog Day 1

“What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered?” Phil, Ground Hog Day

I replied, “Well, I’m from here, so you know . . .”  It’s a smallish suburban town. You can’t swing a dick with running into someone you know.  (I’m paraphrasing from Sex and the City because Anthony the Wedding Planner cracked me up with that line. I like funny.  Note to men:  Many women enjoy humor.)

Groundhog Day 1

“What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered?” Phil, Ground Hog Day

 

And here’s where I can just cut and paste, because it’s all so familiar.

“You live on Maple Street, right?” He asked.

“Yes.” Oh geez. It was coming back to me, like a bad debt.

I should have known, the white t-shirt. He had on a white t-shirt . . . 

I walked away.  I was only there to check the flavors for my mom and report back to her. She was waiting in the car.  So that’s what I did.  I just walked away.

I hoped, I so hoped that he would be gone when I returned.

My hopes were dashed on the jagged rocks below.

Groundhog Day 1

“What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered?” Phil, Ground Hog Day

Oh he had gotten his ice cream and was getting into his car —  but his car  was parked right next the the place. Just my luck.

“Still don’t want to go out with a brother?”  He asked me.

Incredibly, he had asked me out again. As I mentioned before, this has been going on for years.  Check the dates of my posts. Years.

And still the answer was, is, and will always be, “No.”

Groundhog Day 1

“What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered?” Phil, Ground Hog Day

 

Though I clearly said “no” the man continued, just like he had many times before. As he sat in the driver’s seat he motioned to the empty space next to him, “I mean — ice cream.  You can sit right here. What’s wrong with getting some ice cream with me?  It doesn’t have to mean anything.”

(Except that it would mean that I wanted to get ice cream with him, which I did not.)

And again, I tell you, I tell him, “No.”  But like a call and response, I added, without conscious effort to do so, “But thanks anyway.”

(Why am I so polite?  Oh well. At least I didn’t attempt to give a reason this time.)

He shook his head as if to say, “What is wrong with this woman ( or bitch)?”  He seemed genuinely baffled that I declined to take him up on his offer.

I walked away, again, thinking, “Well, I guess I have another blog post to write.

Groundhog Day 1

“What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered?” Phil, Ground Hog Day

I was seconds from a clean get-away,  but the Landscaper Guy in the white T-shirt called after me,

“You’re still beautiful, though.”

Well shit.  I can’t argue with the brother.

The-Dark-Knight-The-Joker walking away

The Joker, in The Dark Knight

 

Just Me With . . . ice cream for two — Me and my Mom.

The High Powered Law Practice: Tricks of the Trade on How to Deal with Teens

So, it wasn't "LA Law" long ago, but a 80's pop culture reference is always nice.

So, it wasn’t “LA Law” long ago, but a 80’s pop culture reference is always nice.

Many moons ago I worked at a high-powered law office.   Long hours, doing anything and everything for the client, emphasis on family or work-life balance was actively discouraged,  there were glass ceilings, glass doors, and glass elevators, along with supervising attorneys or opposing counsel who were equal opportunity assholes.   Sometimes it seemed as though people took great pleasure in making junior associates’ work life miserable, and making sure they had no other life.   The money was good, though, so I can’t really complain.  Plus, I learned a lot.

I’ve left that particular practice behind, but now I’m dealing with teens.  Demanding, self-focused, pompous, teens.    I’m outnumbered.  Most of them weigh more than I do.  Some are taller than I am.   At times they behave as if  I couldn’t possibly offer anything of value while simultaneously requesting everything I have to give them.  Recently it occurred to me that some of the tricks of the trade I learned in my high-powered white shoe law practice can be transferred to how I deal with these large, smelly, mouthy people I grew in my womb and propelled from my hoo-ha (except for the ones that were surgically removed).

Sometimes, it seems, these once cute and cuddly balls of smiles and coos are quite simply, the enemy, trying to break me down.

But Mommy, Esquire, is used to dealing with the enemy, the big boys, the man.  These children don’t scare me.  I have life and legal experience behind me.   Here are a few tricks of the trade I learned from my law practice that I use on my children.

1.   Stand up.

To Kill A Mockingbird

To Kill A Mockingbird

When dealing with a difficult opposing counsel, client, or supervising attorney, it helps to stand up, even when on the phone.   It’s a power stance and works even if your opposition is taller than you are.

How I Met Your Mother, "The Chain of Screaming"

How I Met Your Mother, “The Chain of Screaming”

Once a senior partner stormed into my office to yell at me about an expense form.   This partner had a reputation of screaming at young associates for ridiculous things in order to break them down, hoping to draw tears.   He usually got them.   I was just waiting my turn, but I have a strict policy against crying at work.  It is one of my few rules.   Do NOT cry at work . . . but I digress.   Remember “How I Met Your Mother” the  Chain of Screaming episode?   When being yelled at is just part of the job?   Well, that stuff happens.  But when my number came up I was busy.  I didn’t have time for his crap.   So when he found me in my office sitting behind my desk and started to ream me out . . .

I stood up.

Marshall stood up to his boss, on "How I Met Your Mother"

Marshall stood up to his boss, on “How I Met Your Mother”

He was not expecting this physical display of strength from a first year, female associate. He actually sputtered like a truck with an empty gas tank going up a hill.    (I admit I was slightly taller than he, but still . . . )  I listened to his rapidly dying rant,  and while still standing I calmly explained why I had submitted the perfectly valid expense form, and he left — quietly.   He never yelled at me again.

It was a beautiful thing.    A beautiful thing.

I’ve tried the standing thing with my teens as well.  It works.  My son is seven inches taller than me, which I expected to happen.  But I have a daughter who is model tall — she’s got four inches on me, and I’m not short.   Still,  when any of them come at me with ridiculousness,  I stand up.  It unnerves them.

I will not have them standing over me.  I will not.

2.   Create a Paper Trail.

The Rainmaker

The Rainmaker

No matter what was said, what was agreed upon, whose “word” was given,  or whether there was a handshake,  it doesn’t count unless it has been memorialized in writing.    Opposing lawyers can amicably agree on the smallest or the largest of issues, but they always follow it up with a letter, “Thank you for meeting with me today.  The purpose of this letter is to confirm your agreement to produce  ABC documents to be by X date.”    Is it repetitious?  Sure.  But it’s better to have it in writing if there is a sudden memory loss down the line.

Works the same with kids.   It could be something simple like telling them what you expect, but also writing on a whiteboard an instruction, like,  “Empty the Dishwasher.”   Or it could be a matter of more importance like, “Curfew is at 11pm.”

Or an issue of public policy like, “I will not bail you out of jail or raise your child.

Equally effective is to request something in writing from the kid.   Then later, when the child inevitably forgets what he or she said, you can whip out the document and gently “refresh his or her recollection” of what actually transpired.

Me:  You’re late.

Kid:  You never said . . .

Me:   Yes, yes, I did.  I told you.  Then I texted you,  and you responded.

(Slowly pull out smart phone, begin to scroll.  Pause for effect.)  

Kid:  . . .

Mom:  Shall I  print it?

3.  Some conversations should be had “behind closed doors.”

As an associate, nothing caused more fear than to be summoned into a partner’s office and told to “close the door.”    The partners knew what they were doing.  They were creating a power balance, or, more accurately,  they were reminding the associate that he or she is not in a position of power.   And the associate?   A sitting duck.

Philadelphia

Philadelphia

So, as a parent, I find it effective to summon a teen into a room, tell him or her to close the door, and invite him or her to sit down.  (And if you can pull off Denzel’s facial expression above, you’ve got it made.)  Pause, always pause before you begin to speak.  (I learned from depositions that the pauses are not reflected on the record, but they make people uncomfortable and the witness will have a tendency to fill the silence with golden nuggets of information.)  The teen might start to explain something you didn’t even ask about,  at the very least he or she will listen to what you have to say, and may be thankful that  he or she made it out alive.   Bonus, if you have more than one kid, the others will become deeply concerned that they will be next, and may be more likely to evaluate their recent behavior and/or any (written) lists of things to do.

In conclusion, end the meeting with, “Let’s keep this between us.”

Just Me With . . . lessons from a law firm. 

My Kids Think I’m An Alcoholic

Drunk Bree on Desperate Housewives

Drunk Bree on Desperate Housewives

Yes, my children think that I’m an alcoholic.  It came up one night when my girls were in my bedroom.  I try to keep my bedroom nice, as a retreat for me.  I didn’t realize that it would attract my female offspring.  They keep their rooms like hoarders-in-training but come to my room to relax.  It’s just not fair . . . but I digress . . .

One night when they were lounging in my room one daughter told me she thinks I’m  an alcoholic.

“What?  Why?”  I asked, completely shocked.

“Well, a recovering alcoholic,” she clarified, and further explained,  “I’ve never seen you drink.'”  She pointed out that she’d seen my sisters and my best friend drink but, “You never do, Mommy.”

“Even Daddy drinks,” she added.   I must have made a face of some sort because she quickly said, “But not too much.”

She went on, “But Mommy you never drink so I figured  — you can’t.   And you never have alcohol in the house.  What grown up never has alcohol in the house?”

Well damn.   The kid has it all figured out.  Her sisters chimed in and agreed.  “Oh yeah, I thought that, too,” said one.  “Me too,” said another.  The one I call “The Quirky One” just smiled.

But I’m not an alcoholic!” I protested.

Recovering alcoholic, mom,”  she corrected me.

Crap.

Sooo.  My kids think I’m an alcoholic because I don’t drink.  Yup,  It’s very difficult to prove that you are not a recovering alcoholic if someone thinks you are.

Am I going to have to throw a few back at the dinner table just to show my kids I’m not a drunk? Bring a six-pack to the High School Football game maybe?  Down a Bloody Mary at breakfast?

Damn kids don’t know my life.

The truth is, except for the college years I’ve never been much of a drinker.   My ex-husband was absolutely and totally against drinking, see My High School Self and The Night I Became Cinderella.   I didn’t make my own decisions about it,  Instead, I followed his lead since he had very strong opinions that theoretically made sense.  He had come from a family that had been plagued by substance abuse.  Most of his siblings have had issues, serious issues.  Even his mother, her first  and second husbands, and his estranged father reportedly had bouts with addiction.    He’d seen some bad things caused by alcohol or drugs and feared the propensity for addiction might be hereditary.  I’d seen the effects on his family and vowed never to expose my own children to that lifestyle.   So he and I were going to be different.   I didn’t drink, except at college where I drank behind his back with my college friends whom he never really liked.    After we were married we only kept alcohol in the house for holidays.  Bottles of hard alcohol collected dust on top of the cabinets until they were wiped clean and set out at Christmas.   We were definitely  not a “wine with dinner” family.  My husband and I  shared a few drinks over the years, but by and large I completely missed the  typical partying or bar hopping of  youth and the happy hours of the young professionals.  Then came the pregnancy and breastfeeding years where I had to abstain anyway  —  so it’s been years since I’ve been any kind of drinker.

No matter,  after double-digit years of marriage and five children my husband left me.   I  could do whatever I damn well pleased.

Unfortunately, at the time that meant taking anti-depressants.

Fact: You’re not supposed to drink when taking anti-depressants.   So, I didn’t.   I follow directions, you see.  I’m  obedient like that.  No drinks for me while I was on the meds.

No matter, after a very difficult “discontinuation period”  (aka “withdrawal”),  I’m off the anti-depressants. Technically, or should I say, medically,  I can drink now.  Hooray, hooray!

But I still don’t drink.

First, I’m a complete lightweight.    After not drinking for years, I can’t hold my liquor.   Half a drink and I’m  tipsy, and not in a good way.

Second, since I roll solo most of the time, I’m always my own designated driver so . . . can’t drink.

Third,  now is not the time to start having alcohol at home, not with a house full of teenagers.

And fourth,  I’m the custodial parent of five children.  I’ve got responsibilities, I can’t sit at the local bar with friends every night.  That ship has sailed.   I missed it.  Damn it.

The gang hanging out at Mclaren's on "How I Met Your Mother"

The gang hanging out at Mclaren’s on “How I Met Your Mother”

So yeah, I’m free to do what I want now — except that I’m not, not exactly, not really.   Story of my life . . .  but I digress . . .

But this is what kills me — my formerly anti-social, teetotaler, judgmental ex-husband is now the life of the party.    After years of telling me that  drinking was wrong, that he was afraid of addiction, that he didn’t think kids should be exposed to alcohol — now  he drinks and to our kids, he’s the normal one  . . .   but me? Me?

Hello, I’m Mommy and I’m  an alcoholic.

Just Me With . . . a drink in my hand.   It’s coffee. 

It begs the question:  If my girls think that because they’ve never seen me drink I must be an alcoholic, what do they think about the fact that they’ve never seen me date?   I mean, their Dad has found love and remarried.  I, on the other hand, have not.  I abstain, or so it may seem.  The girls probably think I don’t occasionally enjoy the company of a man (or keep one in the house)  because I’m either:  (1) still heartbroken about their Dad,  or (2)  have herpes.

Humph.  Offensive, either way.

Related:  Getting Off The Meds

My Cheating Husband Was Packing Viagra

The Viagra Bathtubs on the Beach

The Viagra Bathtubs on the Beach

Although my husband and I were regularly engaging in “the physical act of love” (channeling Ross from Friends), whenever he wanted, and I mean, I really mean — whenever he wanted, see Sex On Demand,  let’s  just say that such activities did not require a huge time commitment.

I had suggested that my husband talk to his doctor about it, but he declined.  No, he would not.  No.

Fast forward to after my husband “broke up with me”  and moved out, taking surprisingly few possessions, saying he’d come back for the rest.   As I discussed in  When I Needed A Helping Hand,  I didn’t want him to keep coming back to get his stuff so I decided I’d pack it up for him–not to help him, but to help me.  Like mothers often say to children — “in or out,”  he had chosen “out,” despite my begging, and I mean, I really mean — begging him to reconsider.  So, I thought I’d help the process along if for no other reason than to keep him from prolonging it.

One night, after the kids were in bed, behind my closed bedroom door, my sister, a friend, and I packed up his shit.   At one point I pulled out one of his suitcases he’d used for his last trip, an island vacation which I’d recently discovered he’d taken with a lady friend.  See My Worst Super Bowl, Remembered.   I intended to use the suitcase to pack some of his things.

The suitcase, I noticed,  still sported the airport  tags.

Lovely.

It also contained some papers,  which I read.

The papers turned out to be  receipts for my husband’s prescription for Viagra,  well actually Levitra, a “sister” (or should I say bro)  erectile dysfunction drug .  The prescription had been filled  in the week prior to my husband’s  romantic island vacation with his sweetie.

What the  . . . hell? 

I read it, showed it to my sister and friend.   They both said, if I recall correctly, “Ew.

There it was, in my hand, evidence that my husband had pursued the best that  modern western medicine had to offer in order to  enhance  his sexual relationship with another woman, the woman he was not leaving me for, or so he said,  though they had secured an apartment together and that’s where all his things were no doubt going.

Lucky girl . . .   she got his stuff, and his stuff on steroids . . .

Looking back, I  remembered I’d previously discovered (and suppressed) facts in support of this information — facts that suddenly made sense.

His doctor had called the house to confirm an appointment.

I had wondered:  Why?  Why? When we were going through this god-awful thing, was my husband making doctor’s appointments?   I was the one who was sick, wasn’t eating or wasn’t sleeping and was constantly crying — why was he going to the doctor?

The pharmacy had called to tell him his prescription was ready.

I had wondered:  What is he taking?  He’s not sick!  He’s a mean son-of-a-bitch, certainly —  but he’s not sick!

Later, after his stuff was packed and gone, at some point in my post-separation cleaning frenzy –I’m the polar opposite of a hoarder, when I’m upset I throw everything out — I’d  found a letter from the insurance company, dated right after the romantic trip time, stating that yes, based on his doctor’s recommendation, the  unnamed medication in question would indeed be covered by insurance.

I had wondered: What?   Had he paid the full price for the Viagra in order to get it before the trip because insurance hadn’t kicked in yet?   

According to the dates and bank receipts which showed a $200 plus expenditure at the pharmacy on the eve of the island trip, yes, yes, he had.

Ouch.  But it all made sense now.

I wanted to scream, “Did he tell his doctor that he needed this medication for use with his girlfriend and NOT his wife?  DID THE DOCTOR KNOW THAT LITTLE FACT?????” 

Not that it mattered.

I tried not to think of his chemically enhanced love-making to this woman.  She brought him newness and adoration, he brought  . . .  drugs.

Inserting this again because my husband and his sweetie literally had  Viagra on the Beach.

Inserting this again because my husband and his sweetie literally had Viagra on the Beach.

I packed his crap a little faster after this  discovery, as I recall.   Just a little bit faster.

And I think I washed my hands.

Just Me With . . . a medical discovery.   

After everything was packed I called a friend  When I Needed A Helping Hand.

I Almost Crossed One Off Of “My Bucket List Of Men To Do”

The Village People.  There are all types of men out there.

The Village People. There are all types of men out there.

A while back I wrote a Bucket List of Men to Do.  On it, I included an Too Old For Me Rich Guy saying, “At this point in life this is my only route if I want to be photographed as the pretty young thing on someone’s arm.

Dick Van Dyke and his bride

Dick Van Dyke and his bride

This past weekend, I thought about checking that one off my list.

I had been invited to a graduation party of a former student.  The student’s family is wealthy.   Not surprisingly,  it appeared that their friends are similarly well off.    As per usual I attended alone.  As per usual, it appeared as though I was the only woman attending alone, except, of course, for the widowed grandmothers.  As per usual, I was the only woman of color, and as per usual I knew hardly anyone there.    The point is, I kind of stuck out like a sore thumb.   Well, maybe not sore, more like a bare thumb, among French manicured pinkies.  But these are really good people, we go back a long way, and I was happy to have been invited.   Sometimes I just tire of going solo — all the time — but I digress . . .

I got my food and took an empty seat among strangers, though the host did eventually join us.  He  introduced me, explaining that I was his son’s music teacher.

Thurston Howell, III from Gilligan's Island.   My would-be suitor was older than Mr. Howell, but  he'll do.

Thurston Howell, III from Gilligan’s Island. My would-be suitor was older than Mr. Howell, but he’ll do.

Well, an older gentlemen seated across from me was simply fascinated, almost smitten.  Now I don’t discuss the specifics of age but considering my wealth of life experience, a man significantly older than me has got to be  pretty darn — experienced.   Nay, old.  But this man, by his dress, demeanor and comfort level led me to assume that he had means.   I seriously doubt that this dude needed to check his balance before going grocery shopping.

I didn’t catch his name.  But let’s call him Jack.  Jack was quite complimentary, noting that he  certainly would  have stuck with his music lessons if he had a teacher who looked like me. “Wow,” he said, and inquired as to whether I had any openings . . . heh heh heh.  “I don’t know how the boy could learn anything with you as his teacher.”

I tell you, I almost giggled.  This flirtation from an older gentlemen of means made me —  me, a grown-ass woman of feminist sensibilities —  positively girlish!  I’m not sure, but I think I may have flipped my hair.

I took the comments in kind and did not pursue the matter, but . . .

Damn.

Let the record reflect that I object to the way younger women romantically involved with  older rich men are maligned, called gold diggers and such.  It’s offensive.

But hey, Gold Diggers, I get it now.  (Shhhhhhh)

(Photo by Michael Loccisano/Getty Images)

(Photo by Michael Loccisano/Getty Images)

Just Me With . . .  giggles.    I really wanted him to buy me something shiny.    I’m just saying . . . 

Laughter Is The Best Medicine

One Day At A Time


RIP Bonnie Franklin

I’m just trying to make it “One Day At A Time” like divorced TV mom Annie Romano, except that I have two Barbaras and two Julies, and a boy.

Damn kids.

Let me set the scene. As per usual I was unsuccessful in getting certain tasks completed before the kids came back from a visit with their dad. As per usual none of the kids gave the requested heads up text to let me know they were on their way before they came. (I didn’t know what time they were coming home, only that they’d be home earlier than the required drop off time because one of the kids had a rehearsal.)

So the kids walked in to me in the middle of various projects — hanging a shelf, bagging their clothes they refused to wash, my private journal open on the kitchen table and Sex and The City blaring on all three TVs. (It’s one of my secret single behaviors to turn on all the TVs while cleaning so as I’m walking around the house I can still hear and glance at whatever is on. Don’t judge.) I was startled and felt like I got caught doing something wrong.

Turns out, I apparently had done something wrong.

My cleaning and organizing efforts were rewarded with a fit of rage from the Anxious child. Her twin, the Angry child was — guess what? Angry. As per usual, she did not enjoy her visit with her dad and brought her frustration home to me. The other kids just breezed in, dropped their stuff where they felt like it and perched various places in the house to eat the fast food their dad sent them home with. Someone got the Angry child’s order wrong and she was angry about that, too, no surprise. Somehow this anger was directed toward me.

It is always stressful when the kids get home. They’d only been gone for twenty-eight hours but the whole visitation process: getting them ready and out of the door when they’d rather not go, their behavior when they return, my guilt over how I choose spend my time when they are gone (not getting enough done, not having any fun) is always difficult. See Weekends Off.

After the tirade from the Anxious and Angry twins and my frustrated response, I still had to drive the oldest to rehearsal and get some dinner for myself.

During the drive I tried some relaxation techniques I’ve been reading about. I took deep breaths. I sat in my car for a bit to calm down. And, in an uncharacteristic move, when I returned I decided to sit down and watch something funny. Normally I would hide from my ill-tempered children or launch into a series of chores and attempt to get them to do the same. But instead I loaded the DVD player with my new favorite guilty pleasure, Pitch Perfect. Don’t judge. Okay, go ahead and judge. And yes, we own it.

Pitch Perfect

The girls joined me. When he returned from his rehearsal, the Arrogant one — the boy, retired to his boudoir as per usual. To his credit, he was doing a massive amount of homework that he saved for when he got back from the visit. His choice, his stress.

What people say about humor and music is true. Watching Pitch Perfect made me feel better. Miraculously, both the Anxious child and her twin, the Angry child, calmed down.

But when I got up to go into the kitchen to get a drink, however, I was met with a surprise.

Someone had opened every single cabinet and drawer in the kitchen.

It’s not just a matter of neatness, leaving cabinets open has scared the bejesus out of me way back to The Sixth Sense!

Do you remember the abused ghost wife and the open cabinets in The Sixth Sense?

The Sixth Sense Cabinets

I stopped dead in my tracks. I was already emotionally fragile.

I WAS TRYING TO CALM DOWN!!!!!

But those people I made, those people I grew in my belly like mold, those people know that having all the cabinets and drawers open frightens me!

It probably goes back to Poltergeist as well.

Poltergeist Cleared Tables

In Poltergeist someone or something cleared the table and pulled out the chairs.

Then someone or something stacked the chairs.

Then someone or something stacked the chairs.

I just don’t do well with kitchen surprises. I’m okay with bugs, I’ve dealt with some nasty stuff, see Piss, Puke and Porn, but open cabinets — scare me.

I froze in my steps, mouth agape. When I could finally move I gingerly walked the five steps back into the family room and cried to my four female spawn,

“WHO DID THAT? You know that scares me!”

Then I collapsed on the floor and laughed so hard I cried. I didn’t go back in my kitchen until I got a confession out of the Quirky one and ordered her to go in there and close everything up.

Oh, those people I made all had a good laugh about it. Great big belly laughs. I was a hysterical mess on the floor, but unlike some of my past days, it was in a good way.

Damn kids.

I guess the experts are right that laughter helps with depression and anxiety.

But does it have to be at my expense? Does it?

I just looked at my girl, the Quirky one — the Offender, and said,

“You used to be one of the ones that I liked.”

Just Me With . . . a weird phobia, an unexpectedly devious Quirky child and a good laugh — on the floor.

Given my mood, it was a bold move on the Quirky One’s part. I have to respect her risk-taking.

The mother throws holy water on her offending child in Hairspray.

The mother throws holy water on her offending child in Hairspray.

Shout out to Merbear who inspired me to write something positive about my girls. Well, I don’t know if it was positive, damn kids.

Other Kitchen Surprises:

A Rat In My House and Toilet or Kitchen Sink — Who Can Tell?

It Wasn’t The Shoes — Looking Sexy Without Heels

Lena

Golden Globe Winner Lena Dunham Being Helped To The Stage To Accept Her Award

I admit, I’ve been a bit obsessed with footwear lately, and not in a good way.

I’ve researched Chinese foot binding, have had a running commentary in my head about women’s fashion and how across cultures and continents women’s fashion has served to decrease our mobility.  I’ve been thinking that  even despite recent “equality” and participation in sports we expect each other to be “bad-ass” with the constraints of clothing that limit or alter our movement.  In the old days we weren’t supposed to do anything but now we’re supposed to do everything — in heels.

Raising children has got me thinking as well.  I’ve seen them all take their first toddler steps, learn to run, to play, and to compete in sports, but I realize that soon, though my boy will continue in this path, my girls will likely do the same tasks as my son —  while standing on their toes.  When they are older and allowed to, they may choose to re-learn how to walk in heels that are getting ridiculously high.   I acknowledge that men’s ties and jackets, especially in Summer, are uncomfortable, but they usually don’t cause actual pain like some women’s fashions can.  And even if men are hot and bothered, they can still walk and stand — even in grass or sand.  (Rhyme unintended.)

Lena Dunham's Shoes

As reported by Fashionista.com, here are the shoes Lena wore under her dress.

When writer, director, producer and actress Lena Dunham won her Golden Globe, she literally hobbled up to the stage, needing help like an elderly lady.  This woman is taking Hollywood by storm, but on her big night, she was unsteady.  Hugh Jackman, on the other hand, had the flu — but he could walk.

The thing is, Lena’s shoes didn’t even show, yet she chose to wear what, six-inch designer heels?  See Fashionista.com.  The fascination we have (and I’m not completely immune) with shoes is beyond the scope of this post, especially since, as I’ve said, I’m obsessed . . .  but let me offer a true shoe story.

The night before the Golden Globes I attended a fundraising event.  It was a dressy affair.  As a volunteer organizer, I knew I’d be on my feet the whole evening.  I also knew that parking was a problem and I’d likely have to walk blocks across a college campus to get to the affair’s location.   So, I made a bold decision.

I did not wear dress shoes.

Instead, my shoes were clog like, the kind normally worn with jeans.   Still honoring  “cocktail attire” I  wore dress black pants and a sequined top.     Since, however, the pants were dressy they were longer than they needed to be (I’m assuming to compensate for the heels that women usually wear).  My feet and  my comfortable shoes were practically covered. And if my shoes did peek out, since they, too, were black they did not make a statement.  No bows, no ribbons, no sequins, no sparkles, no spikes, no red bottoms, no color  — no — nothing — on the shoes.

I deliberately chose not to call attention to my feet.

Are you thinking I went the old lady route?  Are you gasping in horror?  Are you laughing at my fashion faux-pas?

Well, I was no old lady.  Au contraire,  I was —  sexy.   I brought the attention north, you see. My top was the statement.   It had spaghetti straps and silver sequined triangles draped over the breasts which  accentuated “the girls” and my shoulders quite nicely.  The blouse had a slightly see-through bodice with a sequined edge going all the way around the  bottom hem.  I’d just had my hair highlighted and wore it out with in waves of loose curls.  I wore full makeup, including great lipstick/gloss and left my eye-glasses at home.  Shiny earrings hung from the lobes but I left the neck naked — again to accentuate “the girls.”

A funny thing happened.   I was complimented more than I had been in  — in — I can’t even remember.   Men and women told me I was “beautiful,” “elegant,” “lovely” . . . repeatedly. (Quite nice for my ego.)  Drinks were flowing at this event and I received a few  slightly inappropriate compliments and appraisals from married men.  Since this was a fundraiser for high-schoolers they were there to perform and serve the adults.  It bears mentioning that I even got a direct compliment from a 16-year-old girl along with looks of approval from her brethren —  me, somebody’s mother!   I told my son how his teacher, an attractive, recently divorced man who barely acknowledges me normally, stopped me to tell me (repeatedly) how beautiful I looked.  After a moment of silence my son’s response was, “I’m sick of you.”  Ha! — high praise for a mom in teen boy world.

All this, and it had nothing to do with the shoes.

Except that, because my feet did not hurt, I felt good.  I danced and  I didn’t have to take my shoes off to do so.  And even though I was on my feet for six hours, I still felt good.  You see, when you feel good, it’s easier to look good —  sexy.   I didn’t need the Barbie feet.  I didn’t need the clack, clack, clack of the stilettos. (And yes, I own some.)   But without them I could confidently cross the room without worrying about slipping, falling or hurting.  I could even do stairs, all while being “elegant.”  It was liberating, yet I still felt very, very feminine.

By all reports and stolen glances I must have looked damned good . . .

And it wasn’t the shoes.  (Or was it?)

Just Me With . . . a true, shoe story.

For a fictional shoe story, see my Dressed for Success at The Indie Chicks.

For an earlier decision to call attention to the girls, see The Summer of Cleavage.

If Lena Dunham had worn sneakers under that long dress (and had it hemmed accordingly), we  wouldn’t have been the wiser and she could have taken the stage under her own considerable, impressive power.

Oh well, enough about her shoes.  It ain’t about the shoes all the time.   Congratulations Lena Dunham, Best Actress in a Comedy Series!   Much respect.

Time Management, Procrastination, Holiday Shopping and Moving

I have a theory.  Some tasks will take as much or as little time as you put aside to do them.  I apply this theory to two things:  packing for a move and Holiday shopping.

Packing for a Move

When Carrie Was Preparing to Move, Sex and The City

The Early Packer: 

If a person is planning a move, he or she can start packing six months before.    When the move date arrives, packing will be almost complete, boxes will be labeled and stacked and moving will commence.  You’ll get out on the date you are supposed to, you’ll move in on the date you’re allowed to.

The Last Minute Move:

Dealing with the same move out date, a person can start three weeks,  2 weeks or days before and the move will be the same.  You’ll get out, you’ll get in.  It might not be as pretty, might add serious stress, but if you have to get out by a certain date, you have to get out by a certain date. Stuff will get thrown on a truck, in your car, in the trash, on the curb, but you’ll be out.  And when you arrive at the new digs you get to open boxes and bags and see what you actually brought with you.

In either scenario,  there are always things that you simply cannot pack too early — the everyday items you need to function.  Consequently, some last-minute packing is inevitable.   Yes, plan and organize.  Throw stuff out so you have less to pack and move, but don’t force a six month packing plan, unless you actually enjoy packing and want to pack for six months.  If not, it’ll get done, because it has to.  You won’t have the luxury of making agonizing decisions about what to keep, what to move.  You won’t live with boxes before you move and after you move.  You won’t have time to purchase endless containers and organizing materials.  You’ll probably have a lot less to organize and you may take less crap with you.  Of course, you may also discover that you threw a bunch of trash into a box and moved it, but you will have still moved.

Holiday Shopping

The Early Shopper:

We all know someone who gets all their shopping done by Thanksgiving and they seem so smug and relaxed.  Often, we see or hear of that same person shopping in December, catching a sale, exchanging one gift for another for a better deal or because the recipient bought it for him/herself before Christmas.   My point is that starting early doesn’t necessarily mean you are done.

Starting early does mean you’ll likely shop longer.    If you start in August, you will shop from August to December 24th.  Even if you think you’re finished, there will be a sale, or you’ll find something perfect for someone or you’ll remember someone you should buy a gift for, or you’ll shop for yourself, etc.  So you’ll still be shopping one way or another until December 24th.   It that’s your thing, go for it.  But the retail establishments know that the sooner you start, the more you buy, this is why Black Friday sales now start before Thanksgiving and stores open at midnight.  Cha-Ching!!

The “Last Minute” Shopper:

If you start the second week of December, it’ll still be done by December 24th.  It has to, so why stretch it out? Sales and mark downs?   Guess what, except for the ridiculous black Friday sale items you may have trouble finding and may not need, the “Holiday” sales go on right up to and often after Christmas day.  If you are indeed looking for that perfect gift that you think may be gone if you wait too long?  Well go buy  it, but don’t spend six months shopping for it, unless that’s your thing.

Christmas will come, whether you are ready or not. 

So why spend months spending? 

Why not just get what you got?

Am I preaching procrastination?

Maybe.  I’ll get back to you later, heh heh heh.  I’m not a procrastinator by nature on other things.  I was never the type of student to pull an all-nighter, I believe in daily preparedness.  However, I don’t want to pack for six months the next time I move or travel.   I don’t want to shop for six months.

It’s not so much as waiting until the last minute; rather, it’s choosing the best time to start and establishing a limited time frame in which to accomplish the tasks at hand.  (That sounds better, no?)

This is where I think all those Hoarders and Clean House type shows have it together.   They give people three days to get it all done.  What do you think would happen if you gave those people six months to clean their houses?    The clean up crew would come back every day for six months waiting for the home owner to decide whether the plastic flowers she received as a gift in 1981 have a place in her home.   No, sometimes things just have to get done.  Make a decision.  Done.

Starting early isn’t always the answer.

I probably won’t begin Christmas shopping until December 1st.   In the meantime I can do some preliminary planning,  make lists, budget, and I’ll figure out the last day I can order something online for it to arrive on time without paying extra shipping.

Then I will shop.  No, I will buy.  I won’t have the luxury to shop.  I’m traveling for Christmas so I’ll have to be finished by December 21st anyway.  It’s like a move out date.

It’ll get done.  It has to.

I’m okay with that.

Just Me With . . .  a strategy deeply rooted in procrastination and efficiency.  

Caveat:   Do not apply this theory to academics or work or personal life.  It could result in  — bad things.

Phew!  I actually started this in 2011 but I got busy with the holidays and never finished.  Ha!

Other holiday related posts:

Blowing Off the Holidays — Just say no.

Keeping It Simple At Christmas — People don’t always need the bells and whistles.

The Annual Christmas Party — At Least I Wasn’t Insulted This Year —  Unfortunate comment.

All I Want for Christmas is My Kids — Splitting the babies after divorce.

A Good Neighbor, An Accidental Friend, and a Christmas Surprise —  You never know the impact people have on each other.

Craigslist Angels — One Man’s Trash Is Another Man’s Treasure  — Giving Away Christmas Decorations Can Be A Very Good Thing.

My First Grown Up Thanksgiving — Kind Of  — Thanksgiving at my house, without my kids.

 

Referring to Fifty Shades of Grey as “Mommy Porn”? Stop it!

Fifty Shades of Grey

You know those posts, reviews, rants or raves about a topic the author knows nothing about?

Well, this is one of them.

Actually this is only inspired by something I know nothing about, “Fifty shades of Grey.”

I haven’t read it, all I know is what I happen to see written or said about it in passing.  I know that it’s very popular it’s been critiqued for it’s literary value or lack thereof.  Reportedly, it is very  sexually explicit  . . . and adventurous?  Is that right?

Whatever.  I haven’t read it only because it doesn’t interest me — not my cup or tea right now.

My problem, however, is that I’ve heard it described as “Mommy Porn.

“Mommy” Porn?  Seriously?

I take offense.   People need to stop inserting the word Mommy in front of an otherwise serious,  established or even, dare I say, “respected” genre in an attempt to diminish or qualify its meaning. In other words, don’t use the word “Mommy” if the topic has nothing to do with mothering!

Porn is Porn.  I don’t know if Fifty Shades is actually Porn.   But I know it’s not “Mommy Porn.”

What does “Mommy Porn”  even mean?  Does it mean that mothers are aroused, as opposed to women who don’t have children?  (Because, guess what, not all women have children — shhhhh!!!!)

This woman is reading. I don’t know whether she has given birth. Is this “Mommy Reading”?

Whether or not Porn is enjoyed by “Mommies” as opposed to “Women”  is  a distinction without meaning.  I’m no porn historian, but I think that I can confidently say that historically,  mainstream porn was directed toward heterosexual men —  largely pictures of naked ladies or depictions of male conquests.  Then someone figured out that women might enjoy porn more or differently  with some tweaking (heh heh heh).  Hence, the birth of erotica or “Porn for Her”  — Porn that is engineered specifically for the arousal of women or hetero or lesbian couples — i.e. for WOMEN!   Does it matter whether the women have given birth?  Uh, no.

I can live with identifying  pornography created for a particular gender or sexual preference  when it’s descriptive —  i.e. gay porn which features gay sex meant to arouse gay people.  Duh.

But what is Mommy Porn?  Mommies having sex with each other with their babies in the next room?

I don’t think that’s what’s they mean.

Is  Fifty Shades of Grey referred to as  “Mommy Porn”  because it’s  sold in Target?

Because it has no pictures?   By the way,  I was in Target yesterday and paged through it.  No naked men.   hmmph

Do the people who use the phrase “Mommy Porn” believe that there is a genre of work that appeals only to the prurient interests of  women who have given birth?  Is a mother’s sexual appetite or fantasy different from  a woman who has not had a child?  Well, that’s just stupid.  Hence my rant.

Yes, yes, I know, I’m being too literal.  It just irks me.

If there was a true thing as “Mommy Porn” — something that turns only mothers on, wouldn’t it be something that gave, especially a mother of a newborn, maybe six hours of uninterrupted sleep?  Now wouldn’t that be a turn on?

Or for the mother of  older children — having a day where her children don’t ask for or expect a damn thing from her all while doing whatever she said without so much as an eye roll?  hmmmm  oooohh  ahhhhhh  

“And the child left the room silently, robotically picking up the toys strewn about the floor,  and quietly closed the door behind him. Hearing the screen door downstairs slam shut she knew she was left alone, and was expected to do . . . nothing. The child knew, instinctively,  that “Mommy” needed to be alone.  She was left to lay in her bed, taking in the smell of the freshly laundered linen. Her eyes strayed to the clock.  No, she had nothing to do, no reason to get out of bed, yet she wondered if   her package would arrive today.  Would the UPS man need a cold drink or a place to rest between deliveries?  The last time he came had been unplanned, unexpected . . . unbelievable . . . ” 

. . .  but I digress . . .

What was I saying?

Oh yeah.  I don’t know what the “Mommy Porn” people mean; I think they just mean that it’s sexually explicit material that “real”  women — who they think would not  enjoy “real” porn  — read.

Once again, “I call bullsh*t.”

No one knows what’s on our computers, phones, or in our underwear drawers or our shoe boxes.  We don’t have to go to Target for the real deal.  And guess what, given how our minds work,  we can concoct full fledged porn scenarios in our minds while  grocery shopping — without assistance from a book, magazine, DVD or battery operated device.

So please don’t call  Fifty Shades of Grey “Mommy Porn.”  It’s an insult to Porn and Mommies.  It’s a book about sex.  And even acknowledging that it’s largely women who are eating these books up, so be it.   If it turns women on, their reproductive history has nothing to do with it.

Don’t even get me started on Mommy Blogs or Mommy Wars.

Just stop it . . .  Daddy.

Just Me With . . .  a little attitude.   Next I’ll discuss the timely and important topic of  using bears to sell toilet paper.