The Adultery Diet

Anyone remember that scene from Sex and The City where Miranda, after the birth of little Brady, discovers that she can fit into her skinny jeans?

(And by the way, for you people who don’t know, the original “skinny jeans” do not refer to a particular cut of denim pants.  They refer to those old jeans that women keep in their closet in hopes that losing enough weight to be able to wear them again.)

Well,  Miranda shows up at the club looking great in her skinny jeans and Charlotte asks how she lost the weight:

Miranda: Well, I got pregnant, became a single mother, and stopped having any time to eat.
Samantha: Oh, that’s a diet I won’t be trying.

 

There’s also another weight loss regimen that women don’t rush to try.  I call it,

The Adultery Diet

Simply put, it is when a married woman suddenly drops the pounds, without the assistance of  a gym membership or  Jenny Craig.  No, it’s none of that pesky diet and exercise stuff.   Rather, a woman is on The Adultery Diet when her husband is having an affair and it is making her sick.

There’s just something about finding out or suspecting that your man is screwing somebody else that really kills the appetite.

This revelation may or may not end in separation or divorce, that’s not really relevant to this diet, it’s just a sick, sinking feeling that suddenly makes food intolerable, hence the weight loss.

I bet we’ve all seen the signs.

In walks a female friend you haven’t seen in a while.  Her clothes are literally falling off of her.  Unfortunately, her eyes are sunken, red, swollen and downcast, and she’s unnaturally quiet.  She’ll explain, perhaps, that she’s had a bit of a cold.   In her mind, however, she’s screaming, “Oh my God, this is not happening. What am I going to do?  How could he? ”  And then, she simply doesn’t eat, while continuing her daily responsibilities. She functions, but  just knowing that there are some very uncomfortable silences, discussions and possibly life changing decisions that will have to be made in the near future  — well, it just doesn’t make her want a sandwich. In fact, the mere thought of the situation makes her food taste bland and causes nausea.

Then there’s the time alone — while it is quite possible her mate is not spending time alone — well, it can make a girl literally sick to her stomach. Pounds melt away, baby weight — gone, along with muscle.  Suddenly skinny jeans fit and she needs to tighten her belts.

He has to work late. Again.  I fed the kids; they’re good. Everybody is fine. Everything is fine, except that it’s not.  So I’m just gonna sit here in the dark on the kitchen floor while my life falls apart.  I’m not hungry.  I really don’t feel well.

And the coolness of the kitchen floor is somehow so comforting . . . but I digress.

This Adultery Diet is usually available to married or cohabitating women — because there is something about living with someone who is sleeping with someone else that is particularly offensive to the palate.

So if you are surprised by a sudden weight loss of a friend, don’t just tell her how wonderful she looks and ask about her dress size, her diet,  or whether she’s working out.  Ask about her marriage.  Ask if she needs —   anything.

Don’t ask me how I know.

Just Me With . . .  a weight loss regimen no one wants to try.

Just found this pic of Demi Moore:

Demi Moore post-divorce from a cheating husband.

Message to Demi: Give me a call.  We should talk.

See also:  On Angelina Jolie —  At Least No One Will Say She “Got Fat”

and

Confessions of a Skinny Mom

11 responses

  1. No, that kind of stress makes me eat. I always envied the woman who did not eat and lost weight when she was stressed. I ate!

    I do relate to having a baby and no time to eat and losing pounds fast.

  2. Yes, screw the adultery diet. I, too, have skinny jeans, and I haven’t been able to wear them in nearly 6 years. I’ll find a better diet than this one, though.

  3. I’ve gone from a size 10 to a size 6 in less than six months on “The Divorce Diet”. After reading this post, I’ll take that imposed on me over “The Adultery Diet” any damn day.

    P.S. That episode of SATC is one of my FAVORITES! Samantha’s reaction is just priceless.

    1. Oh yeah, hugs. I went from “The Adultery Diet” to “The Divorce Diet” and ended up in the “hospital” — all fodder for other posts, if I have the guts to talk about it. Thanks for reading, commenting and for the support.

      Yes, that episode is one of my all time favorites, too. Skinny Jeans and the post-it break-up night out — complete with an almost fight and an almost arrest . . . classic.

  4. I too lost dramatic amounts of weight on the Divorce diet. And am keeping it off with the “turbulent second marriage diet” coupled with the “crazy ex who won’t pay child support” management plan. Stress just kills my appetite, and causes major digestive troubles besides. My BMI hasn’t been above 18 in four years. That said I completely agree with you that empathizing and not complimenting a woman on weight loss under these circumstances is essential. Just be her friend and remind her that this too shall pass.

    1. Well said. I’m sorry for your troubles but I understand. I still have digestive issues as a result of all the stress and loss of appetite, etc. But I’m no longer dangerously thin. Thanks for the comment– and take care of yourself.

  5. Oh man, can I relate…

    When I discovered what was going on in my marriage, I lost 30 pounds in three months. Unfortunately, the adultery diet is fickle — and the pounds eventually came back…

    But yeah, not even worth it…
    ;)

  6. Such a great point – don’t ask about her dress size, ask about her marriage. I will remember this! I love how you touched on something so real and sensitive with a touch of humor too.

  7. [...] danced around it on my Angela Jolie Post, my Adultery Diet Post and I described some of the effects of it with Almost F*cked to Death and the Twilight Zone [...]

  8. [...] See Related Posts:  “Confessions of a Skinny B*tch” and “The Adultery Diet“ [...]

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