The Rage Inside Me

I am angry.  That is how my depression manifests itself these days.  I’m off the floor.  I don’t cry.  But  I have no patience for anyone and I’m pushing people away.  That’s my m.o.    I’m blinded by rage and can’t see anything but thankless obligation.  Suppressing myself for the common good.  That is what I do, that is what mothers must do.    Therein lies my rage.  It’s not pretty.  It’s not good.  Since I can’t let it out, it gets turned inward.  And it waits.  Customer service people and drivers beware.

No, I don’t bash my Ex in front of my kids, yes, I show support for his choices.  Because I have no choice.    blah blah blah     And, I count my blessings for having healthy kids, living parents, a roof over my head, and an Ex who pays court-ordered child support.   Yes, I know the drill.  Those will tell me to put on my big girl panties, pray, etc.   Yes, I know the drill.  I’m not an idiot.   I’m not a Stepford Ex-Wife either —   though I play one in real life during every waking hour.  I don’t drink.  I never utter a profanity in front of my kids.  I’m a good girl.

But just under the surface, is my rage, this  is where my poor choices, failed career, and misspent youth doing the right things  fester, while I watch, drive, stand in the rain,  in support of everyone else or dry the tears and say the “right” things when someone comes to me crying because of something someone else did, or accept being ignored when it is not “my day.”   I listen to crap to keep the peace and I bite my tongue while people pity me for not meeting my or their expectations.   I say thank you when my mothering gets praised when I’ve never felt so alone.  Yet I know that children are fickle creatures and will gravitate toward those who fulfill their needs and cling to those who fail them.   I’m honored to have certain people in my life, yet curse myself for having needed them so badly.  And I know that there are people suffering horribly from unspeakable disease, trauma and disaster, so how dare I be angry about anything?   Yes,  yes, I know,  I know the drill.  So again, thou shall not have feelings . . .

So I’m angry.  And the perfect empowered, pump wearing, summer house, happily c0-parenting with one child, dinner party, career-minded, alumni event and conference attending, people can shake their heads and waggle their tongues, all because I have feelings and dare to get pissed.   And, that’s why I’m pissed.  I have feelings.   I do the “right” things for my family —  my broken home, but it is not and never has been enough for me and . . .  I’m . . .  pissed.   I’m doing for my children, and I hope they do well and  I hope to assist them to gain the tools necessary to do whatever they want to do — live their life, achieve what they want . . . happiness.  But this  —-   this,  is my life now and it  . . . makes . . .  me  . . . mad.    And I do not like it.

I realize I may get negative nastiness from this.  Get in line,  and take a number — Bash Me in Aisle Two, Use Me in Aisle One.   These are, apparently, what I am here for,  my true calling.

And this, my friend, is the voice of depression.

Just Me With . .  . rage

3 responses

  1. You know what. You are entitled to feel the rage. What you need is an outlet to get it out. A release. So you can move forward and away from it. As long as you keep it bottled up you can never move forward on the inside, which is where it counts. No bashing, no using….just understanding.

  2. I feel exactly the same way, but do not call it depression. I told someone the other day that I am always last in line for any kind of support because I am “so much better off than__________” or so they say.

    1. Really. Yeah, I get the “you were always too good for him anyway” doesn’t change the crap I have and continue to endure though.

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