Piss, Puke, and Porn

This is not my house, but it’s similar to mine.

Piss, Puke and Porn.   Ahhh, my new house.   Just Me and the Kids  had been living in the very large marital home since the Husband moved out.  I couldn’t afford it.  I couldn’t take care of it.   But I have five big kids so it’s not like I could hole up in a one bedroom apartment. Plus,  the kids and I loved their schools and I did not want them to have to change, for academic and emotional reasons.   So, I bought this little house because I could make the bedrooms work and my kids could go to the same schools.   But the house was in deplorable condition (which is how I could afford it).   The people living there had owned the house for generations but had done no maintenance.   Plus, they were sick and poor.   The house looked like it should have been condemned.  Actually the back part of it was condemned and had to be demolished.

I couldn’t even tell the kids about the house because it looked so bad it would have been too traumatic for them.   We drove by it every day and the kids had no idea.   The prior owners rented it back from me for 6 months and I worked on the outside of it when the kids were in school so that it wouldn’t look so bad.

Meanwhile, the marital home finally sold.   I would have two weeks from the time the prior owners/renters left the new old house before I had to move  the kids and I there.   The prior owners were heavy smokers, and I say this with no judgment, just the facts — nasty.     I knew that I would be undertaking an extreme makeover but . . .

I get that it was a tough move for the prior owners.  Their family had lived there for over 60 years.   I stopped by on move out night and they asked if they could leave a couple of boxes to pick up the next day.   Sure, I said, because I’m nice that way.   But when I went over there the next day and could see what was left in broad daylight, it made me sick.

These people kept cats but did not take care of them.   They left me litter boxes with cat poop and no kitty litter.   The boxes merely had newspaper lining the bottom of the pan.   They also left used wet cat food cans.   This was late Spring, people.   Temps were in the 80’s and rising.  Also, there was cat poop that didn’t make the cat box at all.   They had apparently kept a cat locked up in what would become my room.   The cat had yacked numerous times and they hadn’t cleaned it up.   It took a paint scraper to get it up the big chunks and later a full sanding of the hardwood floors.  See, That Hoarders Smell   Not to mention the cat urine which had soaked into the floors and the wet cat food in there  — the smell was indescribable.

But the third floor attic bedroom was even worse.    A grown man (like in his 40’s)  and his girlfriend had lived up there — like hoarders.  The side of the attic which was used for “storage” had clothes and debris thrown over there, not in boxes, not in bags, and another cat had free rein up there.   Think about it.   The storage area was nothing but a big litter box.

Do you see the cat?

Anyway, after the move out there were some boxes and debris left there.  Well, okay, I thought, they said they’d leave some things and be back to get them.  But I had to inspect the property anyway and start to clean.   I had to.

This is what I found:   bags of trash, well, actually garbage, including used tissues and vintage porn with sticky pages,   more cat poop and litter boxes without litter,  an adult diaper (used), little green baggies (which I’m told was crack),   and, 2-liter soda bottles — a lot of them strewn about, in boxes, under debris, etc.   These soda bottles were not empty —  but no soda, either  —

I found approximately fifty 2 liter bottles of HUMAN PISS!

The Piss Collection

Part Of The Piss Collection

No wonder the house smelled so bad!   Understand that the bathroom was always in working order.  Understand that the guy who lived up there, though collecting disability, was not immobile —  he could walk,  climb stairs, etc.  and was not developmentally disabled to the point that he was incontinent.   In other words,  he was capable of carrying his lazy ass to the bathroom and knew that’s where people are supposed to urinate!    Understand also that  he had a girlfriend who must have allowed this!!!!  (What kind of woman would . . . ??????)   Let me say it again — 50 bottles of human piss — in my new house.   I knew I’d have to do major renovations, but piss  removal?

Thank goodness the kids weren’t with me when I made this discovery.  Even my therapist said she’d never heard of anything like this.  (This was before the show Hoarders was so popular.)    I stopped looking through stuff.  My daughters’ future bedroom was a toilet, literally.   And people, this was an attic bedroom – in June!   It was ten degrees hotter up there than outside.    It was nauseating.   Truly.  And I was going to move my kids in this house in a matter of days.  Looking back on it I still shudder.  Yeah, I’ve been through some crap . . . and piss.

Just Me With . . .  50 Bottles of Piss in My House, 50  Bottles of Piss . . .

For another urine story, see “Toilet or Kitchen Sink — Who Can Tell?

18 responses

  1. HOLY S*#@, that is some horrible f-ed up nonsense from that house. How awful. You’re a tough cookie to not have run out the door screaming!

  2. OMG. I wish so badly that I knew the people from Extreme Homemakeover so that I could sic them on that house!!! Claude haff mercay, how many different ways can the Universe crap and pee on you??

    Ok. Breathing… (Hope you are too.) May the recovery of the home, with all of its many um… challenges… open up your life to new beauty, new possibilities and a completely stunning overhaul in every respect! (And good LAWD, please protect this woman and her family from diseases!!)

  3. Wow, horrible, if you didn’t have enough to worry about already

  4. [...]   Thank God it wasn’t the remains of a human.  Remember, this is the 150 year old house of Piss, Puke, and Porn — it could have been [...]

  5. Late to the party . . . They probably did that very thing to the house they moved into. Unreal.

    1. I know. I sometimes wonder what their new place looks (or smells) like. But now they are renting and the owner might find out and put a stop to it. If not, I feel sorry for their neighbors.

  6. [...] and another girl in her twenties. I’ve previously referred to the grown son as PissMan, read  Piss, Puke, and Porn, and you will know why.   PissMan lived there with his girlfriend, I’ll call her Diane, a [...]

  7. [...]   Although at least one of the prior owners wasn’t even using the toilet regularly, see Piss Puke and Porn,  . . .  that toilet was more than nasty.  It was a bio-hazard. This picture was taken almost a [...]

  8. [...] cat just relieved itself on all the stuff up there — clothes, cardboard boxes, etc.   See Piss, Puke and Porn.   I needed this room to be a bedroom for two of my kids.  It had to be completely [...]

  9. [...] was in the midst of a nasty divorce and remodeling a nasty house.  (See Piss, Puke, and Porn).    I was learning how to do so many construction type things by myself.   I went almost daily [...]

  10. [...] I noted in Piss, Puke and Porn after I bought  my new old house I allowed the prior owners to rent it back from me for a number [...]

  11. [...] about the crap I’ve had to deal with in my new house, well not crap, piss, actually, see Piss, Puke and Porn, but my old house had been a fixer upper, too.   There were a lot of jobs that didn’t get [...]

  12. [...] moving from this  big house to my new little project where Piss Man and his GF were living  (See Piss, Puke and Porn).    So I basically decreased our belongings by — my guess — around two/thirds . . [...]

  13. Disgusting! I don’t see how people can live like that. Too bad you didn’t have some sort of agreement that they had to remove all of their own crap. And piss.

    1. They came back and carried the stuff outside. I actually called the state board of health but there was nothing they could do since the family have already moved outside. I kept their security deposit for obvious reasons, plus I had to pay to have the stuff hauled away — ugh. It sat outside in hot weather for days. Ugh.

  14. [...] with kitchen surprises.   I’m okay with bugs, I’ve dealt with some nasty stuff, see Piss, Puke and Porn, but open cabinets — scare [...]

  15. […] it’s Just Me With  . . . my five kids in our little fixer (Ex-Hoarders) home.   See Piss, Puke,  and Porn.  I keep a land line there because I have children,  not all of whom have cell phones, and it is […]

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